I glanced back at her, but she didn’t look my way. So I walked out the door and kept going.
Nine
Once upon a time, I’d loved my jobs—both of them. Some people weren’t cut out to deal with the public and their demands all day long, but I liked problem solving and making someone smile. Being helpful made me happy.
So did working on my miniatures. I’m sure more than a few of my friends at the gym would’ve given me the side-eye if they knew I spent much of my free time painting tiny pianos and outfitting rooms for small houses that lined my bedroom like some kind of dollhouse graveyard. All waiting to go to the right little girl who would treasure them.
I had hope my business might take off someday. Sure, it was on the old-fashioned side. But some vintage things were coming back, right? And there was nothing like a little girl bonding with her mother over a doll tea party with miniscule cups and saucers.
My vision blurred as I stared at the new client intake form in front of me. At least I’d bonded with my own mother over that. Maybe I was just trying to resurrect my dead past.
Wallowing in what could no longer be.
“Hey, girl. We’re still on for tonight, right?”
I glanced up at Jenna and wished I could disappear through the floor. To try to smooth things over, I’d had lunch with JC and Emerson a couple times this week, and we’d gone out to dinner one other night. I felt bad about asking Emerson to leave after what had happened with my dad, but I’d just needed a moment to think. Going to lunch and dinner with the guys was part of our regular life. Usual. I’d hoped if I remembered the way things used to be, maybe I could let this new side of things go.
Except all I’d been able to think about was that we hadn’t gone back to JC’s place. We hadn’t kissed or touched or made love—
Fucked. It was just fucking, no matter what Emerson had called it. Just mindless banging.
Exactly what I’d signed up for and wanted, until coming home late Saturday had caused my fantasy world to collide with my real life. The one where I spent more nights than not sitting next to my pop on the couch, stitching tiny pillows and cushions for houses no one would probably ever buy since my inventory far exceeded my sales.
I pushed my hair out of my face. “I’m not sure I can make it.” The words left my mouth without conscious forethought. But it was the truth. I needed to go home and hide until this desire to crash through the walls of my comfort zone subsided.
Doing that would take me further away from my father. And I couldn’t leave him alone. Not yet, anyway. It wasn’t that I expected to live with him forever, but it was still too soon to consider what my adult life outside of my father’s reins might look like.
After Mama, I was all he had left.
Jenna frowned and inched up on her tiptoes to lean over the high counter. She was about the same height as me, and neither of us made it much over five feet tall. “Why not? Carly’s been waiting for it all week. The girl doesn’t get out much. Don’t deny her some fun.”
“Oh, I’m not saying you guys shouldn’t go.” I gave her my best perky smile. I had a whole array of them, and most were even genuine.
But I had my bad days like anyone else, especially when Emerson seemed more remote than usual. I just didn’t let him see.
I would never try to guilt anyone into spending more time with me or opening up. I’d rather keep smiling until my face cracked.
“Yeah, but girls’ night out is better with more. You gotta come,” Jenna insisted.
“How is it girls’ night out if guys are coming too?”
“We’re still going out, aren’t we? And you know the guys will probably wander off and do their own thing.” She wrinkled her freckled nose. The expression made her resemble a disgruntled blond Kewpie doll. “Drink and act like jackasses while pretending they’re cool.”
I had to laugh. “Who’re you bringing? Did you get a boyfriend when I wasn’t looking?”
“No. I’m not really in the boyfriend market.”
Hmm. Maybe that was a smart philosophy. I’d told myself the same, but a couple of intimate nights with Emerson and JC had started to change my thinking. The problem was that I knew them so well that adding sex to our relationship had quickly escalated things to the next level, at least in my mind.
Getting a nice, stable boyfriend would be a positive step, and if we moved slowly enough, my life wouldn’t have to change too fast. We could move in safe, manageable steps. Not that I could be satisfied with one boyfriend.
Nope, when I finally climbed on that bus, I had to take up two whole rows.
I toyed with my pen. “So you’re just trying to keep things casual.”
“I have to. My classes take up all the time work doesn’t. So I go out on the occasional date, share a pizza with a dude, and call it good.” She tilted her head and her shiny gold cross necklace tumbled over her turtleneck sweater. “It’s more fun when you keep it light.”
I could beg to differ there, but I wouldn’t. I’d probably started getting too attached too fast. I’d loved Emerson for so long that it wasn’t any surprise that getting naked with him would speed that along. JC too. I adored them both. There were things I didn’t always understand about them—why Emerson would close himself off so much, especially in recent months, and why JC acted as if he didn’t care about anything when it was obviously so untrue—but I was sure there was stuff about me they’d never guess at either.