‘One day I’d love to have children of my own, but it isn’t something I usually admit to out loud. When people ask about your aspirations, they want to hear about your career. Wanting a family isn’t a valid life choice. And I’m happy and interested in my job, but I don’t want it to be all there is in my life.’
‘Why did you choose archaeology?’
‘I suppose I’m fascinated by the way people lived in the past. It tells us a lot about where we come from. Maybe it’s because I don’t know where I come from that it always interested me.’
There was a long silence. ‘You know nothing about your mother?’
‘Very little. I like to think she loved me, but she wasn’t able to care for me. We assume she was a teenager. What I always wonder is why no one helped her. She obviously didn’t feel she could even tell anyone she was pregnant. I think about that more than anything and I feel horrible that there wasn’t anyone special in her life she could trust. She must have been so lonely and frightened.’
‘Have you tried to trace her?’
‘The police tried to trace her at the time but they had no success. They thought she was probably from somewhere outside London.’ It was something she hadn’t discussed with anyone before and she wondered why she was doing so now, with him. Maybe because he, too, had been abandoned by his mother, even though the circumstances were different. Or maybe because his honesty made him surprisingly easy to talk to. He didn’t sugar coat his views on life, nor did he lie. After the brutal shock of discovering how wrong she’d been about David Ashurst, it was a relief to be with someone who was exactly who he seemed to be. And although she’d accused Nik of arrogance, part of her could understand how watching her with Chloe might have unsettled him. That moment had highlighted their basic differences and the truth was that his extreme reaction to her ‘baby moment’ had been driven more by his reluctance to mislead her, than arrogance.
It was obvious that his issues with love and marriage had been cemented early in life.
What psychological damage had his mother caused when she’d walked out leaving her young son watching from the hallway?
What message had that sent to him? That relationships didn’t last? If a mother could leave her child, what did that say to a young boy about the enduring quality of love?
He’d been let down by the one person he should have been able to depend on, his childhood rocked by insecurity and lack of trust. Everything that had followed had cemented his belief that relationships were a transitory thing with no substance.
‘We’re not so different, you and I, Nik Zervakis.’ She spoke softly. ‘We’re each a product of our pasts, except that it sent us in different directions. You ceased to believe true love existed, whereas I was determined to find it. It’s why we’re both bad at relationships.’
‘I’m not bad at relationships.’
‘You don’t have relationships, Nik. You have sex.’
‘Sex is a type of relationship.’
‘Not really. It’s superficial.’
‘Why are we talking about me? Tell me why you think you’re bad at relationships.’
‘Because I care too much. I try too hard.’
‘You want the fairy tale.’
‘Not really. When you describe it that way it makes it sound silly and unachievable and I don’t think what I want is unrealistic.’
‘What do you want?’
There was a faint splash from beyond the open doors as a tiny bird skimmed across the pool.
‘I want to be special to someone.’ She spoke softly, saying the words aloud for the first time in her life. ‘Not just special. I’m going to tell you something, and if you laugh you will be sorry—’
‘I promise not to laugh.’
‘I want to be someone’s favourite person.’
There was a long silence and then his arms tightened. ‘I’m sure you’re special to a lot of people.’
‘Not really.’ She felt the hot sting of tears and was relieved it was dark. ‘My life has been like a car park. People come and go. No one stays around for long. I have friends. Good friends, but it’s not the same as being someone’s favourite person. I want to be someone’s dream come true. I want to be the person they call when they’re happy or sad. The one they want to wake up next to and grow old with.’ She wondered why she was telling him this, when his ambitions were diametrically opposed to hers. ‘You think I’m crazy.’
‘That isn’t what I think.’ His voice was husky and she turned her head to look at him but his features were indistinct in the darkness.
‘Thank you for listening.’ She felt sleep descend and suppressed a yawn. ‘I know you don’t think love exists, but I hope that one day you find a favourite person.’
‘In bed, you are definitely my favourite person. Does that count?’ He pulled the sheet up over her body, but didn’t release her. ‘Now get some sleep.’