First Time in Forever (Puffin Island 1)

Reaching out, she stroked the curls away from Lizzy’s face and bent to kiss her.

Lizzy wasn’t alone, and she was going to do her best to protect her. A few weeks earlier the responsibility had almost sent her running. Not now. Now, the fierceness, the desire to protect came not from duty but from somewhere deep inside. A place she hadn’t accessed for a long time. And finally she knew what she had to do.

Ryan was in the kitchen with his back to her, staring out of the window to the garden. He turned when he heard her walk in. “The storm flattened some of the plants.”

“I’ll deal with it tomorrow.” She looked at those broad shoulders, at his handsome face, at the man she loved. “Thank you for what you did. Coming to see us. Bringing us home. All this—” She glanced at the surfaces, covered in gifts and donations of food. “I’m grateful.”

“I didn’t do it for your gratitude.” His eyes darkened. “I missed you.”

Her heart bumped against her chest. “Ryan—we can’t do this—”

“I know that. You’re exhausted.”

“I don’t mean now. I mean ever. Whatever there was between us, it has to stop.”

There was a long, pulsing silence. “Because you don’t want a relationship?”

It was a fair question. She hadn’t thought anyone would break through the layers of protection she’d woven around herself, but Ryan Cooper had managed it.

“Because you don’t. And it isn’t fair to Lizzy.”

Those dark brows met in a frown. “What’s between us has nothing to do with Lizzy.”

“How can it have nothing to do with Lizzy? She’s part of my life, Ryan. She was asking for you just now. She wanted you to read to her.”

“You should have called me. I would have been happy to read to her.”

“This time.” Her mouth felt as if she’d swallowed sand. “She’s growing too attached to you. She asks for you all the time. Every other word is Ryan. In the hospital she was crying for you—”

A muscle flickered in his cheek. “You should have called me—”

“Why? You don’t want that level of attachment. She’s starting to expect things, and you don’t want anyone to expect things from you. You’ve told me that often enough.”

“So you’re going to tell her I won’t read her a story? Is that fair?”

The words goaded her temper. She thought back to the hospital, with Lizzy sick and missing him. “What’s not fair is you telling her you love her. Behaving as if she’s important in your life.”

“She’s a sweet kid, and—”

“Yes, she’s a sweet kid, but we both know you’re not interested in kids, Ryan, no matter how sweet they are. You’ve made that perfectly clear, and I respect that, but then you confuse everything by saying you love her!”

“You’re overreacting. She was sick. She needed reassurance and I gave it. It’s as simple as that.”

“It’s not simple. Thanks to you, it’s complicated! And she didn’t need lies! What happens when she’s well, Ryan? Have you thought about that?”

“We’ll handle that when she’s well.”

“I’ll be the one who has to handle it. I’ll be the one who will have to answer questions about where you are and why you don’t want to spend time with her. I’ll be the one who has to handle a child who feels miserable and let down, who has expectations that are never met.” Her voice rose. “We both know this relationship of ours is just for fun, but that isn’t how she sees it. What’s going to happen when you’ve had enough of teaching her knots and taking her to see the puffins? She’s a child. She doesn’t understand the complexity of adult relationships. Children need consistency. They need to know where they stand. Love can’t be given and then withdrawn. It doesn’t come and go like the tide. I appreciate you bringing us home. It was kind of you, but now it’s over.”

But instead of walking away, Ryan strode across the room and took her face in his hands. “And what about us?” His eyes demanded all the answers she wasn’t voicing. “You’ve talked a lot about Lizzy, but what about us?”

Dreams flitted into her head, and she pushed them brutally aside.

“There is no us.” She fought the temptation to slide her arms around his neck and bring her mouth to his. “I love living here. I never thought I’d feel this way about living on a small island surrounded by water, but I do. I know we can’t stay in this cottage forever, but whatever we do, I don’t want to leave the island. I want us to stay. I want to build a life here. I don’t want things to feel awkward between us.” She stared up at him, rocked by the emotion in his eyes.

“So, you’re ending this because of Lizzy. What about you?”

What about her? Despite having protected herself fiercely, she’d managed to fall in love twice. First with Lizzy and then with him.