First Time in Forever (Puffin Island 1)

“There already is.” He crossed the room to her and took her face in his hands. “There’s been an ‘us’ from the first day you opened the door to me. There was an ‘us’ when you trusted me with your secret, when you asked me to teach you to swim, when you let me take you out in a boat and when you let me take you to bed. There was an ‘us’ when I came to the hospital, and when you told me you didn’t want me in your life. If there hadn’t been an ‘us,’ you wouldn’t have felt the need to say that.”

“I said it because Lizzy fell in love with you. I’m protecting her feelings.”

“And what about you?” His voice was soft, his gaze holding hers. “What about your feelings?”

“How I feel doesn’t matter. I can’t let it matter. There’s too much at stake.” She felt as if she were teetering on the edge of a crumbling cliff with everything secure about to disintegrate beneath her feet.

“Do you know what I think, Emily Donovan?” His voice was husky and warm. “I think you’re using Lizzy as an excuse. I think the reason you can’t let it matter isn’t because you’re afraid for Lizzy, but because you’re afraid for yourself. I think what’s at stake isn’t Lizzy’s heart, but your own. You’re scared. You’ve gone through life avoiding anything that threatens your emotions and that included picking men who wouldn’t make you feel deeply.”

She swallowed hard. “What does that say about me?”

“That you were scared. Love scares you, so you stayed in the shallow end of the relationship pool, picking guys who could never put your heart in danger. But I taught you to swim, Emily.” He ran his thumb gently over her cheek. “I taught you how to kick and stay afloat. I taught you what to do when a riptide grabs you. It’s important to make good decisions, but you don’t have to let fear hold you back, sweetheart.”

The endearment ripped at her. “Are we talking about love or swimming?”

“Both. Loving Lizzy has been hard for you, and I think it’s scary for you to admit you love me, too.”

Her heart skipped a beat. The fact that he knew left her feeling raw and exposed, like a sea creature left stranded on the beach when the tide retreated. “Aren’t you a little sure of yourself?”

His mouth tilted into a crooked smile. “Honey, I wasn’t sure at all. I was upset that you’d pushed me away. I thought you weren’t interested. It was Agnes who made me see the truth. You associate love with being hurt, and you’re afraid I’ll hurt you. You’re protecting yourself.”

Why would she deny the truth? If she was honest, maybe he’d respect her wishes and stay away, instead of making things harder. “Yes.”

“You’ve lived your life doing that, caring for yourself, protecting yourself. You learned how to heal yourself, nurture yourself, and part of the way you did that was to cut out the things that threatened you. Children. Love.”

“It worked better for me that way. But Lizzy is my family now. I had no choice about that, but now I wouldn’t have it any other way. Skylar was right that sometimes the worst things can turn out to be the best. When the time is right, I’m going to formally adopt her.”

“It never crossed my mind you’d do anything else. What would you say if I told you what I want is to spend the rest of my life trying to stop anything from hurting you and Lizzy? What would you say if I told you I want you both in my life?”

She took a few unsettled breaths, trying to listen to her head and not her heart. Trying to use reason and not emotion. “You value your independence. The ability to come and go as you please. You told me you didn’t plan on giving that up anytime soon. This relationship can’t be a revolving door, Ryan. You can’t come and go as it suits you.” Because she didn’t trust emotion not to defeat reason, she pulled away from him and started to walk across the room, but he caught her arm and hauled her back to him.

“Damn it, Emily, I don’t want a revolving door. I want to walk through it and stay. I want to lock it and throw away the key. I’m telling you I want to be with you. Both of you. I’m telling you I love you.”

At first the words floated on the surface of her brain without penetrating. Then she assumed she’d misheard. “I— What?” She wondered if wishful thinking had conjured the words in her head. Had he really said that aloud?

“I love you.”

“No, you don’t. You love your freedom. You love being able to go with the wind and the tide.”

“Yes. But there comes a time when what feels right is to drop anchor and stay a while in the same

place. For me, that time is now.”

She looked at him and saw her feelings mirrored in his eyes. “Ryan—”

“If this new, fledgling family of yours is looking for extra members, I thought I might apply. I can give you my résumé if you like, but you’ll find I’m well qualified in certain aspects of child care including, but not limited to, rescuing soft toys from dangerous circumstances.”

In all her life she’d never known a feeling like this one. She didn’t know how to express everything in her head and her heart.

“I—Ryan—I don’t know what to say.”

“I want you to say yes to my question.”

“Did you ask me a question?”

“Not yet, but I’m about to.” He pulled his hand out of his pocket and handed her a box. “Will you marry me?”

Emotion swelled inside her, and her eyes filled. She opened the box and stared down at the sparkling diamond through eyes misted with tears.