‘I’ve decided that I can’t do this any more.’
His hands tightened on her shoulders. ‘I feel the same way.’
‘Oh.’ Even though she’d already come to that conclusion herself, it still hurt to hear him say it. ‘Well—in that case you’ll be relieved to know that I contacted my old hospital in London and they’ve said that I can have my job back. I’m going to leave in the New Year.’
‘Leave?’ His tone was sharp, as if she’d said something surprising. ‘Why would you leave?’
‘Because I can’t work alongside you any more! It’s just too hard.’ Her voice betrayed her and he muttered something under his breath and pulled her against him.
‘Don’t cry,’ he said hoarsely. ‘Please don’t cry, angel. I promised myself that this Christmas I wasn’t going to make you cry.’
‘You haven’t. It isn’t you, it’s me.’ Her voice was muffled against his chest and she knew she ought to pull away but she couldn’t bring herself to. If this was going to be the last time he held her then she wanted to make the most of it. ‘I just want too much. And seeing you with Patrick’s children was—it made it all worse. I’m going to leave, Daniel, then maybe both of us can get on with our lives.’
He eased her away from him gently and took her face in his hands. ‘Before you say anything else, can I give you my Secret Santa?’
Stella looked up at him, depressed that he could still be thinking about the trivia of Christmas when their relationship was ending for the final time. ‘Fine,’ she croaked, ‘give me my Secret Santa. Thank you.’ Braced for the usual box of chocolates or bottle of wine, she was surprised when he dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out a tiny parcel. She frowned. It was definitely too small for chocolates. ‘What is it?’
‘Open it, and you’ll find out.’
‘I might save it until I get home.’
‘Stella, open it.’
Too emotionally drained to argue, Stella slid her finger into the wrapping and pulled out a small silver box. Still frowning, she flipped it open and stared in stunned silence at the beautiful diamond ring sparkling against a bed of midnight-blue velvet.
‘Say something,’ Daniel muttered, and Stella gulped back a gasp of shock.
‘There’s no way that cost £5.’
With a soft laugh, Daniel took the box from her numb fingers, removed the ring and took her hand. ‘Will you marry me?’ His own hands sure and confident, he slid the ring onto her finger and lifted her hand to his lips. ‘I can’t carry on like this, either. I love you, sweetheart. I want to be with you. Always.’
He was proposing?
Stella’s legs shook and she felt suddenly dizzy. ‘Daniel…’ Then she remembered that he’d done this to her once before and the emotional trauma caused from plunging from high to low in such a short space of time was still with her. ‘You—No. No, I can’t. You know I can’t. You gave me a ring once before. Nothing has changed.’ How could she say yes after what had happened last time?
‘Everything has changed. You said you thought I’d be a good father.’
‘Yes, but what I didn’t understand was that you don’t want to be a father. Until we spent that time with Patrick’s children, I didn’t really understand what your childhood had been like. I couldn’t understand why a man like you wouldn’t want marriage and a family. But during those four days I learned a lot about you.’ Her voice cracked. ‘I do understand and I ache for you and I’m angry with your parents for being so selfish and putting their own feelings before yours, and for not having any idea of the impact their behaviour had on you.’
‘I don’t want to talk about my parents. Stella, I’m asking you to marry me.’
‘I know you are.’ Stella pulled away from him and forced herself to do the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life. Refusing him. Removing his ring from her finger. ‘And this time I’m saying no. Which is what I should have said the first time. I won’t marry you. I know you, Daniel. I know what you want and what you don’t want. And you don’t want this.’
‘You love me.’
‘Oh, yes.’ She smiled through her tears, no longer trying to hold them back. ‘I do love you. And I believe that you love me, but that isn’t a good enough reason for you to do something you don’t want to do. That just leads to resentment. I’m not one of those women who just think, He’ll be fine once he’s married and he’ll fall in love with a child if we have one. What if you don’t, Daniel? What if all you feel is resentment? Resentment isn’t a good foundation for a marriage.’
‘Stella, look at me.’ His voice hoarse, Daniel reached out a hand and caught her chin, turning her face to his. ‘Look at me and listen. You say that looking after Patrick’s children taught you something about me. Well, looking after those children taught me something about myself, too. It wasn’t that I didn’t want children—it was just that I was terrified of failing them. Of getting it wrong. Of messing them up.’
‘Daniel, I know that. I—’
‘Let me finish.’ His hands cupped her face, his eyes holding hers. ‘I won’t blame you if you won’t take a chance on me again, but at least let me tell you what I’m thinking. This time it’s different, Stella. When I proposed to you two years ago, I was in love with you. I wanted you. I thought I could get over my phobia about marriage and children—and then Patrick’s wife walked out. At Christmas, leaving a trail of emotional devastation behind her. Up until that point I’d always believed it would have been better if my parents had just divorced. And then I realised that staying and going can be equally agonising for the children.’ His tone was suddenly harsh. ‘And I thought to myself, I never want to hurt a child like that. I won’t do it. And that’s why I broke it off. Not because I didn’t love you, but because I wasn’t sure I could be the man you wanted me to be. I didn’t think I could give you what you wanted.’
‘I know that too, and—’
‘I was terrified by the responsibility of parenting. I suppose in my head I’d spun this image of a perfect happy family. I was afraid I could never match that image.’