Suddenly Last Summer (O'Neil Brothers 3)

“Why didn’t you come straight to the house?”

“Because there are things I have to say. Just to you, not to everyone.”

He eased away from her, his blue gaze suddenly sharp. “Do you want to go to Heron Lodge? We can dry off.”

“No. This is fine.” She gave a nervous laugh as water dripped through the trees onto her neck. “Most of our relationship has been conducted in this forest.”

“Relationship?” His tone was guarded. Cautious. “I didn’t think we had a relationship.”

“Neither did I, but then I realized I was kidding myself. We’ve been in a relationship since the moment we first met. It was always there—the chemistry, the connection—all of it, but it frightened me so badly I wouldn’t even consider it.”

He breathed in deeply. “Élise—”

“Ever since Pascal I have never allowed my emotions to be involved. I did not trust myself because with me everything is always exaggerated. I love with all of me, my whole heart, not just a little bit—” she clasped her fists to her chest “—and I could not risk that again so always now I make decisions with my head. And then suddenly last summer everything changed.”

“It changed for me, too.”

“I told myself it was nothing because you hardly ever came home so my feelings were easy to control, but I thought about you all the time.”

“I thought about you, too. I thought you were like me. I couldn’t understand why Jackson was so protective.”

“So then you discovered I was not like you and you should have driven back to Boston at supersonic speed, but instead you kept coming back here and then you told me you loved me and it was a very big shock because I did not at all expect it.”

“I

was shocked, too, which is why I didn’t handle that part well.”

“The fault was not with you, it was with me. I was very afraid. I did not want to fall in love and I didn’t want you to fall in love with me. I would not do anything that would harm your family or make things difficult. I love them so very much, but it’s true that having them here for me made it easier for me to hide. I had love in my life, and that was enough for me. I told myself I didn’t need romantic love.”

“Élise—”

“I went back to Paris because I knew I had to face all the things I have been avoiding for so long. And then you came.”

“I couldn’t bear the thought of you facing that alone.”

“It meant a lot to me that you came.” She locked her hand in the front of his shirt, now soaked. “You were the one who made me look again at the photographs and think of everything differently. After you left I sat there and went through them all, every single one, and I could see that you were right. The evidence was right there for me to see. My mother loved me very much, and she knew I loved her. I will always regret that I didn’t say those words to her more often, but I believe that you are right and she did know it. And I sat there after you left and I remembered how strong she was, living her life fearlessly even when it was hard, always finding fun in life, and I knew she would not be proud of me hiding away and being afraid all the time. She would not be pleased that one very bad decision stopped me from living my life fully.”

“Sweetheart—”

“I spent a lot of time thinking about how it is between us, how amazing and how I feel when I am with you and I realized that I have been a great big idiot. So I got on a plane and came back here and I have just one question to ask you and you will answer me honestly because it is very important.” Her heart was bumping and her hands were shaking. “In Paris you said that telling me you loved me was a mistake. Is that because you wish you hadn’t told me, or because you don’t love me? Because you also said that love wasn’t something that could be switched on and off.”

“The mistake wasn’t loving you, it was telling you. I upset you. Scared you. Forced you to leave a place you see as home and people you think of as family. That’s the reason it was a mistake. You had a life here you loved, and I shook that up.”

“It needed to be shaken up. I did love it, but it wasn’t a whole life. You were right when you said I was hiding.”

“After what you went through no one would ever blame you for hiding.”

“But I don’t want to hide any longer. That’s what I wanted to tell you. That’s why I came back. To say I’m ready to start living properly and to say that—I love you.” Saying it was so terrifying she almost choked on the words. “I really do love you, and if you still think you love me then maybe we could both try not to panic about this and perhaps see each other or something. Have a relationship that is as much indoors as outdoors. I can come to Boston sometimes and you can come here more often.”

He didn’t speak. Instead, he stared at her. Rain darkened his hair and clumped his lashes together and she waited, not breathing, the only sound the soft patter of rain on the trees around her.

Why didn’t he say something?

Had she scared him to death?

She knew a moment of panic and then, just as she’d convinced herself she’d got it all wrong and misunderstood his feelings, he dragged her against him and brought his mouth down on hers.

“I don’t think I love you, I know.” He spoke the words against her mouth. “But I wasn’t at all sure you loved me.”