He was trying to compensate for the fact that he didn’t love her.
The thought almost choked her.
‘Now what’s wrong?’ His voice rough, he laid his fork down.
‘Nothing.’ She fastened the bracelet around her wrist and gave him a brilliant smile. ‘What could possibly be wrong?’
‘You’re holding back. For once there is plenty going on in your head that isn’t coming out of your mouth, and that makes me uneasy.’ After a moment’s hesitation, he reached across the table to take her hand. ‘You’re still not yourself, Holly. I feel as though I can never quite reach you.’
‘We’re together every night.’
‘Physically, yes. We have incredible sex and then you turn your back on me and say good night.’
Colour flaming in her cheeks, Holly studied the remains of the chicken on her plate.
She could feel the hot sunshine on the back of her neck, the whisper of a breeze playing with her hair and the blaze of heat in his eyes as he watched her.
‘I’m trying to—we’re different.’ Staring miserably at the glittering diamonds, she wondered absently whether the extravagance of the gift was inversely related to his feelings for her. The emptier his heart, the bigger the diamonds? ‘I’m very demonstrative by nature, and you’re—not. All the worst moments in our relationship have been when I’ve shown my feelings. You back off. You shut down like a nuclear reactor detecting a leak. Nothing must escape.’
Casper frowned and his grip tightened on her hand. ‘So you’re protecting me?’
‘No.’ Finally she lifted her eyes and looked at him. ‘I’m protecting myself.’
CHAPTER NINE
DETERMINED to keep busy, Holly threw herself into her public engagements and wrote as many personal replies as she could to the many letters and cards she received. She discovered that if she kept herself busy she didn’t think so much and that was a good thing because her thoughts frightened her.
She didn’t want to think what might happen if Casper didn’t love their baby.
And, since that couldn’t immediately be resolved, she pushed the thought away.
When the baby was born, she’d worry. Until then, she’d hope.
And in the meantime she fussed in the nursery, as if being born into perfect surroundings might somehow compensate for deficiencies in other areas of the baby’s life.
She was sitting in the hand-carved rocking chair, reading a book about childbirth one morning, when one of the palace staff told her she had a personal visitor.
Not expecting anyone, Holly put the book down and walked through to the beautiful living-room with the windows overlooking the sparkling Mediterranean.
Eddie stood there, looking awkward and out of place.
‘Eddie?’ Shocked to see him, Holly walked quickly across the room. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘What sort of a question is that? We were friends once.’ He gave a twisted smile. ‘Or can’t you have friends now you’re a royal?’
‘Of course I can have friends.’ Holly blushed, feeling really awkward and uncomfortable and not sure why. ‘But obviously I wasn’t expecting to see you and—how are you?’
‘OK. Doing well, actually. The job’s turning out well.’
‘Good. I’m pleased for you.’ And she was, she realised, picking over her feelings carefully. She wasn’t angry with him. If anything, she was grateful. If he hadn’t broken their engagement, she might well have married him, and that would have been the biggest mistake of her life—because she knew now that she didn’t love him and she never had.
Loving Casper had taught her what love was, and it wasn’t what she’d felt for Eddie.
‘I was owed some holiday.’ Thrusting his hands into his pockets, he walked over to the windows. ‘I’m spending a week in the Italian lakes, but I thought I’d call in here on the way. Booked myself a room at the posh hotel on the beach. Stunning view. Can’t imagine Lake Como being any prettier than this.’ He took a deep breath, rubbed a hand over the back of his neck and turned to face her. ‘I came here to apologise, actually. For going to the press. I—It was a rotten thing to do.’
‘It’s OK. You were upset.’ Touched that he’d bothered to apologise, Holly smiled. ‘People do funny things when they’re upset.’
‘I didn’t mean to make things difficult for you.’ Eddie shrugged sheepishly. ‘Well, I suppose I did. I was angry and jealous and—’ he cleared his throat ‘—I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see me to be honest. But I needed to say sorry. I’ve been feeling guilty.’