She watched a nurse pass and then turned back to him, her heart thumping against her chest. ‘What are you saying?’
He ran a hand over the back of his neck and looked vaguely uncomfortable. It occurred to her that it was the first time she’d ever seen Josh out of his depth. ‘I don’t know really.’ He gave a casual shrug, his gaze slightly wary. ‘I suppose I’m saying that if you’re awake at night thinking about me and I’m awake at night thinking about you then we may as well give it a go. This whole relationship thing.’
If she hadn’t been hurting so badly, she would have laughed at the expression on his face. He looked so uncomfortable. As if he wanted to reach out and grab the words and drag them back into his mouth.
But at least he’d said them, and for some reason she felt a lump building in her throat. ‘I realise that’s a very flattering offer, coming from you.’ She managed a smile. ‘But it isn’t enough, Josh. You don’t just try a relationship on for size and see how it works when there’s a child involved.’
He sucked in a breath. ‘I know you’re looking for guarantees, but the truth is those just don’t exist for anyone. This is the real world, Kat. All people can do is their best. Who knows what’s round the corner? All I know is that you should grab the moment and live.’
Which was what he did, of course. He drove his fast cars, strove to catch the biggest wave on his surfboard and raced his boat. He was a man who lived life to the full, every moment of every day. Whereas she—she swallowed as she scrutinised her own life—tried to make her life as predictable and safe as possible. Tried to control every minute.
‘I like my life the way it is.’
‘Do you? Do you really? You’re missing out, Kat,’ he said roughly, ‘and what’s more, Archie is missing out, too. By trying to protect him from everything, you’re robbing him of experiences that might enrich his life. I don’t pretend to know anything about parenting, but how’s he ever going to learn to cope with problems if you make sure he never has any?’
‘As you say, you don’t know anything about parenting.’ She stepped away, her voice cold. ‘And Archie has a very happy life. If I get involved with you and it all goes wrong, as it inevitably will—’
‘Why inevitably?’ His voice was harsh and she looked at him with exasperation.
‘Oh, come on, Josh! We both know children aren’t on your agenda.’
‘Maybe they are.’ His eyes glittered strangely, ‘Maybe I’ve just never really thought about the whole children thing before now.’
She stared at him. ‘You’re saying you want children?’
‘I don’t know what the hell I’m saying!’ He stabbed his fingers through his hair and let out a long breath. ‘I just know that this wasn’t a one-night stand for me.’
‘Well, I can’t expose Archie to hurt while you’re making up your mind what you really want,’ she snapped, ‘so it’s obviously best for everyone if we don’t get involved.’
He caught her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. ‘We’re involved, Kat,’ he growled, his tone hovering between anger and frustration. ‘We’re already involved. Think about that next time you’re lying awake at night unable to sleep.’
He stared down into her eyes and then, with a soft curse, his hands dropped to his sides and he strode away from her into the department.
* * *
The rest of the week was a nightmare.
Kat was exhausted from a combination of lack of sleep and work pressure and her concentration had never been worse. Her head was filled with nothing but Josh and it didn’t help that whatever she was doing, wherever she was standing, he was always right there next to her.
What was she going to do? she wondered helplessly a week after their date. How was she ever going to get him out of her mind? Was she going to have to leave Cornwall?
But then she thought of her cottage by the beach and how happy Archie was, and she knew that wasn’t an option. She couldn’t leave a place that they both loved so much.
And she couldn’t leave Josh.
Tears pricked her eyes as she tried to concentrate on the X-ray she was studying. Even though she couldn’t be with him in the way she wanted, she knew that she’d rather live with him on the edges of her life than absent from it.
She was just tired, she told herself firmly, yanking the X-ray out of the light-box and returning it to its brown protective cover. Tomorrow was her day off and she was going to catch up on some sleep. Maybe then she’d be more rational.
No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t forget what Josh had said about Archie. Was he right? Was Archie really missing out, too? In trying to protect him, was she depriving her son of experiences that would enrich his life?
She just didn’t know. All she knew was that her mind felt tangled and confused and her eyes ached from lack of sleep.
When she eventually finished her shift she virtually dragged herself to Mary’s to collect Archie and then drove home.
‘In the morning, do you think you could watch children’s television until I wake up?’ She unlocked the door and let them both into the house. ‘Mummy’s a bit tired.’
Archie dropped his swimming bag on the floor and frowned at her. ‘Are you sad? You look sad.’