Family For Beginners

“She knows she can talk to me!” He was bruised, insulted by the suggestion that he’d been a less than perfect father and she felt him withdraw even though neither of them had moved physically. And all her instincts made her want to reach out, and say something that would bring the warmth back into their relationship.

She hated confrontation. It made her palms sweat and her heart race. She was eight years old again and standing in front of her aunt. She wanted to say whatever needed to be said to diffuse the tension and keep things the way they were, but that wasn’t going to happen this time. She pictured Izzy’s face and stood up a little straighter.

“She doesn’t know that, Jack. You can’t talk to someone who doesn’t want to listen, and you don’t want to listen. You’re so sure that she doesn’t have a problem, but I can tell you she has a big problem. There is a lot worrying her. And maybe she’ll be mad with me for telling you this and never forgive me but I’ll take my chances on that because this is more important than anything.”

“Becca was five months pregnant when we met. I was there when Izzy was born, when she took her first steps, started school. I’ve been there for her whole life. She knows I think of her as my daughter.”

“But she also knows she’s not your daughter. And she’s feeling lost and terrified.” Why couldn’t he see it?

“She isn’t lost and terrified. I have kept a really careful eye on both girls since Becca died. I made sure they both saw a therapist, although both of them chose to stop pretty quickly. Izzy said she didn’t need it. She has held it together better than any of us.” His voice wasn’t quite steady and he seemed so upset she almost didn’t tell him the rest of it.

It had been hard on him, too. And she hated to say what needed to be said because it was kicking him when he was down, but she knew she had to say it.

“Yes, she’s held it together, not because she was doing great but because she was desperate for you to still need her around.”

“What?” He dragged his hand through his hair, impatient. “Of course I need her around.”

“She is anxious that now her mother has gone, you no longer have a reason to give her a home.”

The only sounds were the relentless patter of rain and the rustle of leaves.

His hand dropped to his side. He looked stunned. “That’s not— I have never—”

“You told her you could manage fine without her and that she should leave and start living her life.” She saw him mentally rewind everything he’d ever said to Izzy and saw the exact moment he recalled those words.

“I didn’t mean it that way. You know that.”

“I do know that, but those words fed the fear Izzy is already feeling. I think it might have been the timing rather than the words. When we first met you told me Izzy had really stepped up. You said she was your little star. That she was coping better than any of you.”

“She was.”

Flora felt water slide off her hair and down her neck. She was almost as wet as she’d been when she’d fallen in the lake, but she wasn’t going to end this conversation until she had the outcome she wanted. With this new information, the whole thing was falling into place in her head. “I don’t think she was coping. I think she was trying to make herself indispensable.”

“But—”

“Did she ever complain? Did she have moods or tantrums? Was she ever difficult?”

He shook his head. “Barely ever.” He ran his hand over his face, clearing droplets of rain. “That’s not normal, is it? I missed that. Damn, I missed that.” He went from defensive to humble in the blink of an eye and if she hadn’t been so upset with him she would have been impressed that he could admit his mistakes so willingly and openly.

“I’m no expert but I’d guess no, it’s not normal. She thinks she’s a burden, so she has been trying to make herself useful to you. It was desperately important to her to feel loved and needed. I threatened her feeling of security by bonding with Molly, because it seemed to her that Molly no longer needed her, either.” It was difficult to imagine how hard it must have been for Izzy to see Molly crawling all over Flora. And she could see it clearly now. As her relationship with Molly had deepened, so her relationship with Izzy had become more fraught. “Her behavior makes so much more sense now.” And while part of her was relieved that her relationship with Izzy had taken a giant step forward, another part of her was aware that her relationship with Jack wasn’t what she’d thought it was. Maybe her aunt had been right. Maybe she expected too much of relationships.

Jack was still processing. “It still doesn’t make sense to me. I’ve been her dad for seventeen years. Why would she think she doesn’t have a place here?”

“I don’t know.” That part didn’t make sense to her, either. “It seems to have something to do with Becca. She thought that with Becca gone, you wouldn’t want her.”

“So all that stuff about not going to college—”

“I’m guessing it’s all linked.”

“I had no idea all this was going on in her head. You’re right, I should have talked to her more about her mother.” He gave a groan. “I guess I don’t find it easy to talk about and so when she didn’t seem to want to talk either I was relieved rather than worried. I tried so hard to give the girls the support they needed, and I’ve totally messed it up. It’s no excuse, but it’s tough doing it on your own.”

She wanted to point out that he didn’t have to do it on his own, that she was here and willing to be part of it and that if he’d involved her maybe, just maybe, she might have been able to help. But was she deluding herself? Perhaps he didn’t want that. Perhaps she was always going to be on the edge of his family and never fully a part of it.

An outsider.

She felt numb. Empty. The pain would come later, but for now she just needed to keep the focus on Izzy.

“I think you’ve done a great job, Jack, but you do need to talk to her.”