I have to take off my hat, scarf, sunglasses, and earbuds to pass through the scanning equipment, and it’s then that I hear “Is that really them?” and notice some of the security team whispering behind hands cupped furtively over their mouths.
Someone whistles the way people do when they get a bill that’s too high, or they see something surprising. I’m used to unwanted attention, but this doesn’t feel right.
When I’m approved to fly, I reapply my disguise like a shield that I’m grateful to cower behind.
As soon as we board the flight, the atmosphere changes. Connor sits on one side of me and Hudson on the other. The weight of unspoken words curls Connor’s shoulders and prevents Hudson from directly meeting my gaze.
As I fasten my seatbelt, I pull a sheet of paper and pen from my pocket that I stashed for emergency communication.
Please tell me what’s going on, I write.
Connor exhales, his shoulders slumping even further.
“Someone took pictures of us in the sea in Melbourne,” he says. “They’ve been published worldwide.”
A shivery feeling passes over my face, and my grip loosens on the pencil. Even though Connor warned me about this possibility, I never imagined it would come to pass. We were careful. The only time we did anything in the open, it was so dark I could barely see who was in front of me. How did they get pictures? Stupid question, I think. When people want to uncover dirt badly enough, they’ll find a way to dig.
What’s going to happen? I write.
Connor shrugs a single shoulder; the hopelessness he’s feeling is evident in every movement and gesture he makes. “Blueday is going to fire us. Most likely, we’ll be relieved of duty when we land in London. I’ve avoided talking directly to my contact so we can get you safely to your next destination. You will need to speak to your agent and to the record company and decide whether you will comment on the photos or not. How you deal with it from your side will be up to you. From our side, we won’t make any comments about the images. Everything that happened will remain a confidence between us.”
As I take in what Connor is saying, tears prickle my eyes and constrict my throat. These men who are such an important part of my life will be removed from it, and I don’t have the power to disagree. They’re losing their jobs because of what we’ve done, and their first thought isn’t about themselves. It’s about protecting me and my reputation.
I don’t want them to leave me. I don’t want to face the rest of this tour without them. I won’t feel safe, even in the care of another bodyguard team. I don’t want to be protected by men who don’t care for me. I want the love and affection that we’ve built up together.
But I can’t tell them any of that. My voice has been taken in more ways than one.
Reaching for Connor’s hand and then Hudson’s, I hold onto them like I never want to let them go. Tears slide down my cheek, but I don’t bother to wipe them. I’m so sad inside; my heart is broken into shards that radiate ache right through me.
I don’t even care about my reputation. I don’t give a fuck that Blueday is going to be raging about the damage I’ve potentially done. I mean, what parent is going to want to bring their child to see a singer who is sexually promiscuous? Not exactly ideal role-model material.
This tour is already sold out. The tickets have been purchased. Blueday is going to make their money whatever happens, and I will too. The only people losing out here are my bodyguards.
“It’ll be okay,” Hudson says. “Blueday will hire you a great team, I’m certain of that. Your performances are perfection. All you’ve got to do is keep going the way you have been. Keep your mind on the job this time, and everything will be fine.”
I pull my hand from his to write. No one they hire will be as good as you guys.
“I’m sure they’ll protect you just fine. And they’d better keep their hands to themselves,” Connor growls.
We all laugh at the ridiculousness of the idea that anyone could replace what they are to me. We laugh because Connor’s jealousy doesn’t fit with a relationship that started the way ours did. I made it clear what I wanted was men in my bed. They don’t know that I’ve fallen in love with each of them. They have no idea that when they walk away from me in London that they’ll leave me bereft.
Even though I know it’s impossible, a childish and ridiculous part of me wants them to fight for me. It wants them to argue with Blueday and demand that they stay on to look after me. It wants them to be willing to tell the world that they love me and show that the love we share is the most important thing.