Steel 7 (Multiple Love)

Eventually, I slump into bed for a few hours of what feels like half-awake sleep. When there’s a knock on the door to wake me, my eyes are dry and stuck together, and my shoulders feel tense.

Breakfast is yogurt and berries when all I want is waffles with butter and maple syrup. Conversation happens around me but never includes me. It’s as though I’m invisible, and it makes me feel even hollower inside.

This was the day I’d planned to go sightseeing in London. I imagined taking an open-top red bus tour around the city. I’d picked out places that I wanted to see. Big Ben, the Houses of Parliament and Westminster Abbey. Tate Modern and St. Paul’s Cathedral. Buckingham Palace and some shopping in Regent Street. I imagined strolling around with my men, laughing, and having fun. Instead, I’m trapped in my hotel room all day, waiting for the limo to pick me up to take me to the television studios later.

I watch TV, enjoying the numbness of mindless entertainment. I keep my phone on silent because there is no one that I want to talk to right now. My aloneness has become a cocoon of safety. Any kind of conversation would just bring my sadness welling back to the surface.

I don’t bother putting on makeup before we head out. I wear my slouchiest jumper, a warm coat, leggings, and a baseball cap to travel to the studio.

When we arrive, I’m hustled into my dressing room for the evening and fussed over by a team of people who are there to make me beautiful. The hairdresser uses a giant curling tong to set my hair into large, loose curls, then pins it up on one side with a diamante clip. The makeup artist focuses on my eyes, making them dark and smoky and using thick false lashes to exaggerate them even further. The dress I have to wear is made from jade-green satin. It has cut-out sides and wraps across my breasts in a way that enhances my curves. When I’m ready, I stand in front of the mirror, and I almost don’t recognize myself.

They’ve made me beautiful, yes. But somehow, it’s erased the essence of me at the same time. The outfit and makeup are like a disguise. Is this what happens to all celebrities? Their image smudges out the authentic truth of who they really are?

I warm up my voice, going through the motions but not really focusing on my actions. My stomach roils with nerves as I go to wait in the green room, coming face to face with a Hollywood actor who ignores me and a British comedian who doesn’t stop telling jokes. I try to smile in all the right places, but I’m not really listening. My fingers twist in my lap as my nerves build and build.

It’s not like me to feel this trembly. Even when I first started singing, I went out into each performance too hyped up to feel the flutter of winged creatures in my belly. When I had the Steel 7 around me, I fed off their appreciation and confidence. Now, my team of bodyguards stands around the perimeter of the room, making everyone feel on edge, as I watch the other celebrities being interviewed by the annoying host.

My performance is last, which means I have a long time to wait. There’s a live studio audience who clap and cheer in all the right places for the other talent. I just hope they’ll be as kind to me.

Eventually, I’m called to take my place on a stage to the side of the main interview area. The stage is dark, and the audience is focused on the Hollywood actor who is now all smiles and filled with entertaining stories. Such a fake. There’s no stool for me to perch on, just a single microphone standing like a lonesome baby tree in the middle. My silver sandals click on the hard floor as I make my way to my mark. The stage manager smiles, checking the microphone by tapping in gently. “You ready?” she asks.

I give her a simple nod, but inside, I feel anything but.

I try to feel the words that Asher spoke to me last night. You sparkle like that brightest diamond, he said. He called me a superstar. That’s the Luna they want me to be. It’s the Luna that everyone wants me to be, but who do I want to be?

I don’t even know anymore.

The crowd begins to clap, and from the other side of the stage, I hear the host begin to introduce me.

“Discovered on the side of the road, singing for change, Luna Evans’ rise to the top has been remarkable. She’s here to sing her new single tonight. Give a round of applause for Luna Evans.”