Strings Attached

A loud rumble of laughter roared out of Warren so hard he had to clutch his stomach and try not to fall off his barstool.

“You’re a shitty friend, you know that?”

“I’m sorry, but only you, Harrison. I can’t believe you got yourself into this mess.”

“It was only supposed to be sex. To say it was awkward is putting it mildly. My first concerns were Ross and Zander, of course. Zander was… I think he was mortified, really, but that probably has more to do with him telling Ross he had—and I quote—the best sex of his life. Which lo and behold was with his friend’s dad. Ross was likely grossed out, as he has a right to be. He was okay with it, but you know how he is. He’s very go-with-the-flow. Not much bothers him. He just said he didn’t want details, and that if it happens again, to pretend it didn’t.”

“You’re going to fuck him again?” Warren said a little too loudly. The two women beside us turned and looked our way.

“Sorry,” I told them. “Will you keep it down? And no. I already told you I’m not gonna do it again. I want to—badly, to be honest—but it’s a disaster waiting to happen. I can acknowledge that, so I won’t.”

“Yeah right.”

“I’m not.”

“I’m so glad I’ve been in a relationship for twenty years. I don’t envy you this at all.”

“Thank you for the support.”

“That’s what I’m here for. Anyway, go on. I’m sure there’s more.”

There was. “The thing is, we’ve now become friends somehow. We jog together a few mornings every week. He’s…well, he’s an independent little shit, is what he is. Struggles to accept help. He’s funny, passionate, kind, and—”

“Uh-oh.”

“Uh-oh, what?”

“You like this kid.” Warren took a drink of his beer. “You’re incredibly fucked, my friend.”

“He’s not a kid,” was the only answer I could think to give. “He’s twenty-four, so older than Ross.” I groaned. I was now in a situation where my defense was that someone I had sex with was two years older than my son. Warren was right. I was fucked.

“I thought you weren’t looking to get into a relationship? That you didn’t know if that would ever be something you’d want?”

He was only repeating what I’d told him, what was true about me. I’d dedicated my life to my son. I’d wanted Ross to always know he was the most important person in my world because I’d never had that. I’d wanted to provide for him so he never went without in life. I’d accomplished both those things. There wasn’t an ounce of me that regretted it, but…I’d gone without a lot in life. I hadn’t dated much. I’d never brought men or women home, even when Ross was in high school. Sure, I’d gone out and fucked, even the same people more than once, but they all knew it wasn’t serious. That I didn’t want forever.

The little I remembered about my parents other than the partying and drinking were the fights. I hadn’t wanted that for Ross, and then I just didn’t think I wanted it for myself either. When he left for college, I wanted to focus on myself. To fuck who I wanted, when I wanted. To have more of the freedom I’d only teased myself with when I was younger. But even now, at forty-one, I still wasn’t sure that monogamy and settling down were for me. I was too set in my ways. And if I did ever change my mind, it wouldn’t be with someone seventeen years younger than me. Zander had his whole life ahead of him, a career to focus on and men to fuck. He didn’t need to tie himself to an older man…and why in the hell was I even thinking about that?

“I don’t like him as in wanting to have a relationship with him—and I don’t want a relationship at all either. That hasn’t changed. I wasn’t joking about enjoying his friendship. I want to be friends with him. I’m just incredibly attracted to him as well. I know it’s not smart, which is why I’ve kept my hands to myself, but it’s getting harder.”

Warren’s hand clamped down on my shoulder and squeezed in support. “Real talk?”

“Always.”

“Personally, I can’t understand the mindset of never wanting to settle down. That’s not me. I always knew I wanted someone to love and who would love me in return—even if that doesn’t include monogamy—but I know that not everyone is built that way. So if that’s what you say you want, I respect that. But I also don’t believe you should ever close yourself off to possibilities. You never know what’s out there, what kind of happiness you can be denying yourself. That includes more than relationships as well.”

I nodded, and Warren continued. “So that has never sat well with me, but it’s your life and I respect your choices. It also sounds like you might want more from this kid.”