“I’m not self-deprecating. I know how amazing I am.”
“Not about the things that matter.” He handed me a cup of coffee, and I mumbled another thank-you. “My work here is done. Have a great day.” Ross clapped me on the shoulder and headed to his room.
I finished my breakfast, grateful he’d made it. Ross hadn’t been wrong. I would have likely forgotten to eat or just been too nervous to, but since he made food, I wouldn’t let it go to waste.
I gathered my things and checked my bag three times to make sure everything was in it, then tried hard not to let myself freak out too much as I made my way to my car…as I sat in traffic on the way to the middle school…where I worked and would be responsible for twenty-five kids, for five periods a day.
My thumbs drummed on the steering wheel the whole drive. There was already half a lot full of cars when I arrived. It wasn’t until I got inside that I realized I’d forgotten my lunch at home. How did one triple-check things and still leave something behind?
“Hey! Are you ready for this?” Leticia Holly said when she saw me in the office. She’d rebraided her hair, and there was blue in it now.
“Yes and no,” I answered honestly.
“That’s understandable. You’ll get used to it.” She smiled at me and then was on her way.
I checked my box, which I was told to empty each day. I’d already been given my class lists, but there were some new papers inside. I grabbed them and headed for my classroom. The school wasn’t open for the kids to come in yet, but would be in about fifteen minutes.
When I passed Cameron’s room, I peeked inside.
“Oh! Hey!” he said, grabbed something off his desk, and jogged over. “I brought your sign.”
“Thank you.” I took it from him, and he walked with me to my classroom. “I’m going to hang it up right now.”
“Good. I think it’s nice for everyone to know on the first day that they’re welcome and affirmed.”
“Me too. I can’t imagine seeing something like that when I was in middle school.”
“You and me both,” he replied as I pinned it on the door. “Are you nervous?”
“Is it that obvious?” Holy shit, the kids were going to eat me alive.
Cameron chuckled and held his hands up. “No. That’s not what I meant. You look like you’re holding it together much better than I was in the beginning. It’s what you’ve always wanted, what you’ve worked so hard for, but it’s also one of the most frightening things to ever happen to you.”
That…helped, knowing that someone else got it, that they felt the same way I did. “Exactly!” Except he didn’t mention the doubt that kept hammering into me about how bad I would be at this. How maybe I wasn’t even smart enough for it.
“Well, I hope you have a good day, and I’m right next door if you need anything. I should head back now and finish getting things ready.” Only he didn’t go right away, lingering there for a moment, and then he grinned. “I like the bow tie. It’s cute.”
“I wasn’t sure how it would go over. Harrison talked me into them.” Shit. Why had I mentioned him?
“That’s your friend from the other day, right? The older guy?”
“He’s not much older. Forty-one, but yeah.” As often as I joked around with Harrison about his age, he didn’t feel much older than me. He was just…my friend. I knew forty-one wasn’t old. What was age anyway? I hated it when people talked about acting your age. Was there a handbook on how we were supposed to act each year? I loved that Harrison was silly, sarcastic, and fun-loving. That it didn’t feel like there were seventeen years between us unless you took into account that he was much more successful and settled than I was.
“Good call on Harrison’s part,” Cameron said, tugging me out of—Jesus, I really needed to stop thinking about him so much.
“I would tell him you said that, but it’d just go to his head,” I teased.
Cameron snickered. “All right. Good luck. I’ll see you later.”
“Bye.” I waved, and he left the room.
I tried not to lose my shit.
Paced.
Fought to steady my breathing.
Tried to shut down the constant spin of thoughts in my head.
Looked at the list I’d made for the day. Made sure my alarms were set on my phone.
I could do this.
I was going to fucking rock at this.
The halls started to fill as I organized my paperwork and what I needed to pass out for each period.
The warning bell rang, echoing through my head, making my heart shake with it, but I didn’t let it get to me. I could do this. I would do this. I had to keep telling myself that.