Final Score: Part One (Game On 5)

“And what would we do with Jessica while we’re both at work? While we’re both on the road?”

“We could hire someone to watch her or…” I stopped abruptly, not wanting to confess I’d spoken to his mother about this first.

“Or what?”

I got to my feet and Radleigh sat up straight, waiting for my answer.

“Your mum said-”

“You talked to my mom about this?” He stood up too, pacing the room. “For God’s sakes, Leah! You didn’t come to me to discuss this. You’ve obviously already made the decision!”

“I haven’t,” I said, reaching out to stop him pacing, but he shrugged my hand off. “Radleigh, come on. Why is this such a big issue for you anyway? This is just an idea right now.”

“It’s more than an idea if you’ve figured out all the answers before talking to me about it.”

“You’re not being fair. If I’d tried to talk to you without considering the problems that would have been wrong too.”

He stopped, glaring at me for reading him so well. He wasn’t mad at me for thinking ahead, he was mad at me for springing this on him out of nowhere.

“Radleigh, please listen to me. I know this is sudden. I know I haven’t mentioned wanting to go back to work before, and the truth is, I hadn’t really considered it. I said I wanted to be here for Jessica and that’s what I wanted to do. I’m not saying that has to change, I’m just asking how you feel about it.”

For a moment my words hung in the air and I held my breath, waiting to see if he would calm down and listen or continue to yell. With a sigh, he sank back onto the sofa. “I don’t like it.”

His words were spoken, not shouted, but even though he’d said he didn’t like it, his tone told me he was willing to discuss it, and my muscles slowly unclenched.

“Tell me why?” I asked, softly.

“You know why. For all the reasons we talked about before.”

All the reasons I was hesitant. Because we wanted Jessica to have a life that didn’t involve both of her parents working all the time in jobs that took them away from home. Because we didn’t want strangers taking care of her. Because me being at home was what we’d both agreed.

I took a step towards him. “I know. But you have to understand, no matter how much I love Jessica, I still need something for me. Something that means I have things to talk about other than Jessica. Our friends adore her but they don’t want to hear baby talk all the time, and I don’t want to only talk about that. I miss having things to say that don’t revolve around the inside of this house.”

“We’re supposed to do what’s best for Jessica, not what’s best for you.”

His words hit me like a fist to the face. “Did you just accuse me of being selfish?”

Was I being selfish? Maybe. But whether I’d realised it or not, the things I’d said were all true. I loved my life but I did miss adult conversation; conversation that centred around more than Jessica’s daily routine.

Radleigh stared at me. After a moment he shook his head. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. Selfish is the last thing you are.” He held his hand out to me and pulled me on to his lap, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

“Me too. I didn’t see this coming either.” I kissed him lightly on the lips. “If you really, really hate the idea of me going back to work, I won’t. But I’d like us to think about it.”

“We can.” Radleigh pulled me in closer. “But with the wedding coming up and… earlier you said we could talk about having another baby-”

“Is that what this is about?” I wrapped my arms around his neck, searching his eyes for the truth. A little like earlier, when he’d avoided my gaze, I couldn’t read him properly at first. But then he nodded, and his eyes sparkled.

“Partly. I want us to have the big family we both said we wanted. I know Jessica isn’t even a year old yet, but she soon will be and what if we’re not so lucky the next time we try? What if it takes longer to get pregnant?”

A smile tugged at the corners of my lips. On rare occasions, Radleigh’s strong façade dropped and the real reason I fell in love with him shone through. This guy who was concerned about our family was the guy I fell in love with. The guy who had flipped out wore a mask to hide the fact that he actually had feelings. After all the time we’d been together, he should have been okay with throwing that mask away because he knew I could see through it anyway.

“I want that too,” I told him. “And when the wedding’s over, yes, we can talk about having another baby. But I’m not sure we’re ready just yet. You know how tiring it is with just one. Jessica is better than I could have hoped for when it comes to sleeping, but we’re still tired a lot of the time because having a child is hard work. What if next time we get one that screams all night long? No two kids are ever the same, and I don’t know if we’re ready to face any potential challenges yet.”

“But if you go back to work, maybe you’ll feel like we’re never going to be ready. It’ll always be something. There’ll always be a reason why we shouldn’t try for another.”

I nodded. “That’s true. But I am promising you right now that no matter what decisions we make about me going back to work, we will have more children. And if I have to give it up again, I will. If things don’t work out with me being back at Westberg, I’ll stop. I’d just like a chance to go back to the job I loved.”

Radleigh and I talked things through for a long time. After we both laid out our concerns, we agreed that I’d talk to Richard again about the possibility of him getting a temp in for the rest of the season because working and planning a wedding would be a challenge, and me rejoining the team next year on a part time basis. Part time was the ideal compromise for me. It meant I could go back to work without feeling like a terrible person for palming Jessica off on my in-laws five or six days a week.