I watched the first half of the game with only a fraction of my attention on the pitch. Radleigh had spotted me pretty early on, and he’d given me a kind of relieved smile. Somehow, just that small gesture relaxed me, just as I knew seeing me there had relaxed him too. It was a long forty-five minutes until half time, and I knew I wouldn’t get much time with him, but… I needed to connect with him. I was more than used to spending a night apart from him, but it was easier to handle when he was away for work, and not because things sucked between us. The night before was long and restless, spent wriggling around the bed trying to get comfortable. Impossible. The only thing that would have made the night comfortable was having Radleigh’s arms around me, the two of us holding on to each other in a silent promise that everything would be okay.
As Radleigh came back through the tunnel with his team mates, my heart began to speed up at the sight of him. The other players called out hellos to me as they went into the locker room for the mid-match pep talk, and while I answered them, my focus remained mostly on my man. He didn’t bother to usher me away from the hordes of people swarming around, he just wrapped his arms around me, taking in a long breath as if breathing in my scent. I did the same thing, even though he was hot, sticky and sweaty from running around for the last three quarters of an hour. I didn’t care about any of that, I just held on to him, my head resting against his chest, listening to the pounding of his heart.
“I’m glad you came,” he whispered.
“I just… I needed to see you.”
He smiled down at me. “I missed you, baby.”
“Missed you too.” I let out a sigh. “I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“For everything that happened yesterday.” I looked up at him. “I stand by what I said about us needing a little breathing room, but I didn’t mean to make you feel like I don’t care about what you’re going through.”
He shook his head. “I don’t feel that way. I’m mad at myself for lying over something so stupid, and if a few days apart is what it takes to get us back where we need to be… it’s okay. I’ve done a lot of thinking since yesterday, and you were right. I do have some stuff to figure out, but it’s not about whether I have feelings for Jen. I don’t. I look at her, and I feel nothing. But I do need to get my head straight because when she’s involved, everything is like a whirlwind. She breezes in, waltzing through everything in her path and then looks back at the mess she’s made with a fucking smile. I can’t let her do that. I need to figure out how to deal with her, with all of this. First on my own, and then with you. Because I don’t want you to ever worry that I feel anything for her but indifference.”
His words should have made me feel better. In his mind, I understood why he thought they would. And I did believe him when he said he didn’t feel anything for her, but in his eyes, buried deep, I could see he remembered everything. Everything they went through before. Everything he used to feel.
I reached up and placed my hand on his cheek. “Radleigh, it’s okay to feel whatever you feel. She isn’t just someone you casually dated. Once she meant everything to you and she’s the mother of your child. Your first child. I can’t tell you that doesn’t hurt every second of every damn day, but it’s a reality. What I don’t want you to do is pretend. That’s why I wanted us to take this break. I need you to think what you’re thinking and feel what you’re feeling, and… while you’re doing that it’s better that you’re on your own. Just you, with no distractions.”
Radleigh turned his head and placed a kiss on the palm of my hand. “She means nothing, Leah. Nothing. On Monday, I’m coming home and I’m not leaving again.”
Tears stabbed at my closed eyelids but I blinked them away, wishing we could fast forward to a time when all this was settled and our lives made some kind of sense again. My fears eased a little when Radleigh’s lips met mine in a soft, sweet kiss.
“Okay,” I whispered. “Okay.” Taking another deep breath, readying myself to change the subject, I said, “I’ve left Jessica with your parents. I thought, if you’re not doing anything tonight, you could keep her overnight and spend the day with her tomorrow.” He stiffened, and my guard instantly shot up. “What’s wrong?”
He shook his head. “No, nothing’s wrong. I’d love to have her tonight, but… I do have to tell you something.” I said nothing, just watched him shift awkwardly before he began. “Jen wants me to meet Jayden tomorrow.”
Fast mover. Not that she hadn’t made it clear she wanted this to happen as soon as possible.
“Okay,” I said, trying to control the shakes that were trying to overtake my body. Obviously, I knew it was going to happen, but this was the first step in a massive change in Radleigh’s life, and subsequently mine too.
“Jen said it’s okay if you want to come too.”
My eyes widened. Didn’t see that coming. I couldn’t help but wonder if there was some underlying motive in her generosity, because it seemed to me what she really wanted was to drag Radleigh away and re-plant him in her life.
“Do you want me to come?” I asked, gently.
Radleigh nodded. “I do. But I understand if you’re not ready. I’m not sure I’m ready but…”
He didn’t need to finish the sentence. I heard him. Jayden was his son. No matter how much of a shock, he needed to see him.
Running my hands down his arms, I took his hands in mine and squeezed them. “If you want me there, I will be. But, honestly, I think for the first meeting, maybe it’s better if it’s just you.”
Radleigh nodded again, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “I think you’re probably right.”
“Do you want me to pick Jessica up in the morning, or…?”
“If it’s okay, I’d like to spend the day with her. I won’t be out for long when I meet Jayden. Jen thinks it’s better to keep it short, and I don’t know how long I can handle it for. I’ll leave Jessica with my parents when I go, and I’ll bring her home in the afternoon.”
With a nod, I said, “Okay. That works.”
After staring at me for a moment or two, Radleigh sighed. “There’s one more thing.”
“What is it?”
“Tomorrow is going to be low key, but I’ve had to talk to our PR people because if we’re seen, and we probably will be, questions will be asked. The truth is going to come out and I want you to be prepared. News outlets will probably call the house, they might even be outside and they’ll be looking for a reaction from you. You know the drill; don’t speak to them, and let our management take care of it. Annie said she’ll send extra security over to keep us safe while we’re getting in and out of the house, and there’ll be people stationed at my parents’ place too.”