Radleigh stared at me for a moment before dropping his gaze to his feet. It wasn’t a surprise, but my breath seemed to catch and I pushed his hands away and stepped back as the emotion I’d been missing came at me in another overpowering wave.
“Leah, I didn’t... it was…” I didn’t need to look at him to know he felt everything I felt. It was clear in the huskiness of his voice, and the slight tremor to his words.
“You need more time,” I whispered. “You need to figure out how you feel.”
“I love you.”
I nodded, trying to swallow the lump in my throat but the tears came anyway, uninvited. “And I love you. But you can’t-” I paused, choking on my words. “You can’t use me to hide away from whatever unresolved feelings you have for her. You have to deal with them.”
Radleigh’s jaw clenched and he shook his head. “I don’t want to go.”
The look of absolute despair on his face caused my heart to split in two, and I was so close to changing my mind, to telling him to stay. But what good would it do? He’d lied to me. Hidden things from me that he knew would hurt me. Even if he thought it was harmless, how could it be? Even if he really didn’t feel anything for her, keeping secrets from me had damaged our relationship. Made me question us. And as much as I wanted him to stay – because what the hell did I know? – maybe taking time apart would push him back to her as much as my paranoia would have.
I had to let him go. To let him work through whatever was happening inside his head.
“You have to,” I said softly. “You have to.”
Radleigh moved towards me again and placed his hands on my face before burying them deep in my hair, his eyes burning through me, then placed his forehead against mine. “When I left on Friday, I promised you I’d be back. And I’m promising you the same thing right now. I’m coming home again, Leah. I’ll go if that’s what you want, and I’ll do what you asked. But as soon you believe that I don’t want anyone else, I’m coming home. And I’m never leaving again.”
I nodded as tears blazed a hot trail down my cheeks. “Okay. Okay.”
He lifted my chin with his finger and pressed his lips to mine, salty tears dropping onto my tongue as he deepened the kiss, reminding me in the best, most honest way how things were supposed to be. My arms wrapped around his waist and I clung to him as his mouth moved across my cheek and he whispered in my ear, “I love you.”
His words weakened my resolve further, but I swallowed back the words that tried to crawl out of my throat and through my lips. Stay. What’s that saying? If you love someone, let them go? I always thought that was a crock of shit. If you love someone, fight to keep them. Do everything you can to make them stay. Yet in that moment, I’d never understood the saying more clearly. Perhaps my thoughts were misguided, messed up, downright wrong. But the only way I could fight for him was by letting him have some space. If I kept him close, questioned his every move, that wasn’t winning. Not to me.
Chapter Twelve – Unbroken and Unbattered
The night Radleigh left ranked right up there with the worst nights of my life. Worse than when I’d left America after he’d broken my heart. Worse than waking up with an overwhelming sense of loss. Before, I’d lost the hope that I’d get the man I wanted. Now? I’d lost the reality of having the man I’d wanted. And I’d been the one to cut the strings and let him loose. I played recent events over and over in my mind, and no matter which way I looked at it, I knew I’d made the right decision. This wasn’t a path I could have taken years ago. Not even when I’d first met him. In fact, if Jen had been around when I was first trying to get with Radleigh, I’d probably have been as underhanded as she was. Back then, though, Radleigh was all I had to lose. Now my whole life was tied to him. And crazy it seemed to let him go his own way in order to have a chance at saving our relationship, to me, it was the only way. Knowing I’d made the wise, mature decision didn’t provide me with any comfort. My insides were hollow and a constant ache hummed where my heart should have been.
The heart I’d given him, and hoped he’d keep safe.
All I really had left while he’d gone was the hope he’d keep on keeping it safe. That it would remain unbroken and unbattered until he returned. Until he chose me.
The last thing I felt like doing on Monday morning was have Bree give me a make-up trial for a wedding I wasn’t sure would happen, but she insisted we carry on as if nothing had changed. Since the wedding hadn’t – yet – been cancelled, she said I still needed to be prepared. We were still many months away from actually needing to go through this part of wedding prep, but since she had the day off, and neither of us had anything better to do, I agreed.
Before heading to her place, I took Jessica over to Mitch and Deanna’s as they’d agreed to watch her while Bree made me look pretty. As I knocked at their front door, the cold weight in the pit of my stomach felt heavier. Not just because I’d asked them to babysit again – although I was starting to feel bad about the amount of times I’d left Jessica with them recently. But because I hadn’t spoken to them since Radleigh left the night before, and we hadn’t discussed Jayden and Jen at all. It couldn’t be anything other than awkward, and instead of running from it, I’d left for their house earlier than I needed to, just in case they wanted to talk about anything – not to mention having to battle through the press who still lurked by their gates. It took all of my strength not to speed up and run over the nosy bastards.
Mitch was the one to open the door, and as his eyes fell on me, the façade I’d spent so long building up before I left the house was stripped away from me. He opened the door wider and I carried Jessica inside, and the moment the door was closed, the tears spilled over and he wrapped us up in his arms.
“It’s okay, sweetheart,” he said, softly. “It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry, Mitch,” I sniffled. “I’m sorry.”
“You’ve got nothing to apologise for, honey.” Mitch released me, and took Jessica from me as she was reaching out for her grandpa. She snuggled in to his shoulder, and I couldn’t help wondering if she loved him so much because he was so like Radleigh. Although Mitch no longer had the same muscle tone as his son, he was tall and well built, and their faces were pretty similar too. I reached over and gently stroked her cheek, and she smiled at me in that way that made my heart melt.
“Leah.” Deanna’s footsteps hurried down the stairs, and I turned to her. She wasn’t her usual put together self; her hair was not in its usual perfect bun, but hastily shoved in a knot at the back of her head. She hadn’t bothered with make-up, and although her clothes were as immaculate as ever, it was obvious she wasn’t entirely in the mood for making an effort.
“Morning, Dee.” I wiped at my eyes a she came towards me and wrapped me in another hug.
“How are you doing?” she asked.
Big question.
“I’m… surviving.” I shrugged, trying to keep the rest of the tears down. I loved Mitch and Deanna so much, and it was the horrifying thought I might lose them too that had caused me to break down. That and the fear that they might blame me for the mess I was in now. “I’m so sorry about everything that’s happened. I just… I hope you know that being apart from Radleigh was never what I wanted. It’s just something we need to do right now.”
Deanna gave me a small, understanding smile. “I understand. We both do. And we want you to know that whatever happens, we’re here for you and we love you. If Radleigh is dumb enough to throw away what he has with you… you’re still part of our family, Leah. Nothing will change that.”
A sigh of relief left my body. I should have known that would be their response to everything that was happening, but Radleigh was their son, and when it came down to it, they didn’t have to keep me in their lives. Sure, they’d see me occasionally because of Jessica, but it didn’t have to go any further than fleeting meetings here and there.