“Maybe the universe is trying to correct itself. Maybe I should never have had everything I have now. So it’s trying to take it all away. Starting with my baby.”
Freya glanced at me over her shoulder and I bit my lip, trying not to cry. The very British part of me wanted to bark at her and tell her to get a grip. But I knew what she meant. I’d pondered the same things recently and I hated that now she was going through it too.
The fear of losing someone, of losing everything, comes at you in a rush of panic. It’s like you’re trying to stay calm, but the what ifs crash over you, and the worst outcomes possible feel real and so close that they start to suffocate you. I wondered how long she’d been sat in that room, working herself up into this state. All I knew was the limited information I’d gotten from Bryce. Not that it mattered. This was where we’d come in. This was what we had to try to heal. An aching heart and a gaping wound that was rapidly being filled by everything Bree hated about herself.
“Bree,” I said, gently. “I’m not going to try telling you you’re wrong right now. Right now you need to feel whatever you feel, even though it hurts. But I am going to tell you that there’s a man outside this door who loves you more than anything else in the world. And whatever you’re telling yourself right now, however mixed up and inaccurate, he is going to keep on standing outside that door until you let him in and tell him what you’re feeling. And when you do, he will tell you what you already know deep inside. He loves you and that isn’t going to change. Ever. And we love you too. We’ll be here as long as you need us to be.”
Slowly, Bree’s eyes opened, and the pain in them made the tears I’d tried to stop spill down my face. “I want to go back,” she said, her voice cracking. “I want to go back to yesterday when I was still pregnant. When everything was good. I want my baby back.”
Unable to speak myself, Freya stepped in for me. “Honey, if we could make that happen, we would.”
“I know.”
“What we can do for you is be here until it hurts a little less.”
Bree nodded and tried to smile. “I’d like that.”
What followed was two hours of tears and talking. There was no way Freya and I could heal her suffering in that time. My girl had wanted to be a mum so badly, partly, I thought, because she wanted to finally have a family of her own and make sure her own children didn’t suffer as much as she did when she was younger. Bree without her bubbly personality was strange to be around. She could be optimistic about pretty much everything, but this had her stumped. I knew she would bounce back like she always did, but until then, she was going to need all the support she could get.
I walked back into my house at a little after ten o’clock, emotionally drained and in dire need of something to drink.
I found Bryce with his feet up on the sofa, idly flicking through the TV channels. I couldn’t help chuckling. I’d often arrived home to find Radleigh in exactly the same position.
What is it about guys and channel hopping?
“Hey,” I said, dropping my bag down at the end of the sofa. I kicked my shoes off as he turned around, placing the remote on the coffee table.
“Hey. How is she?”
I shook my head. “Not good. She’s staying at the hospital overnight but she’ll be able to go home tomorrow. I kind of think she might prefer being out of her own house at the moment, though.”
Although Bree and Jude hadn’t gotten too carried away with preparation for the baby, Bree had sneakily bought some newborn baby clothes already, and some magazines with nursery-decorating ideas had been strewn about the house too.
Without a word, Bryce stood up and pulled me into his arms. Trying not to cry anymore, because I’d already done more than enough of that for one night, I rested my head against his chest.
“I’m sorry,” he said, quietly.
“What for?” I asked, puzzled.
“I’m sorry you had to come home to me and not Radleigh. He should be here for you.”
After what had happened earlier, Radleigh was the last person I wanted around me. It all seemed a million years ago now. But I’d rather have come home to an empty house than to him in that mood. It occurred to me, with horror, that when he’d been fucking me against the wall, it was probably around the same time Bree had gone to hospital.
The memory combined with the emotion of the evening made another wave of sadness
wash over me.
“Actually, Bryce, what I need right now is a friend. Someone who isn’t interested in starting petty fights and wants nothing from me. That’s not what I’d get from Radleigh at the moment. I’m glad you’re here. Thank you for taking care of Jessica tonight.”
“It was no trouble at all. She woke up about an hour ago but I sat with her for a while and she settled again.”
“Okay. I’ll go up and see her shortly. I just need a minute.”
“Do you want me to get you anything? Tea? Coffee? Wine?”
I laughed. “A bottle of red would be great but I try not to drink at home, especially when there’s nobody else here. I know Jessica’s fine, but I never drink more than a glass just in case anything happens suddenly and I need to drive. I’m sure it sounds stupid but-”
“It’s not stupid. It’s responsible. I wish Sarah had the same beliefs as you.”