Chapter 1 – That’s Progress
“People keep asking me if I’m ready. I’ll never be ready.”
I let out a sigh, tucking my knees up to my chest and resting my head against Will’s gravestone, the coldness denying me the comfort I so desperately needed. Even the warmth of the sun beating down couldn’t block out the chill inside me.
“Four months, Will. How could that possibly be enough time to be ready?”
Four months. Actually, to be accurate, one-hundred and nineteen days. One-hundred and nineteen days since I kissed Will goodbye before he went to visit his mom. One-hundred and nineteen days since I received the call.
One-hundred and nineteen days since I felt normal. Since I felt anything much more than sadness and indifference to the world around me.
Numbness set in a little after Will’s funeral. All the pain, anger and unfairness balled up inside me then vanished, leaving a gaping hole in its place. After four months, perhaps I was supposed to feel better. Or at least not feel as if dragging myself out of bed every day was a waste of effort. There were moments when my world brightened, but mostly I carried around a cold, heavy weight inside me that pulled me down, keeping me on the ground and I was powerless to free myself from its hold.
“I’m trying, Will. I’m really trying. I try to think about what you’d tell me if you were here.” A small, hollow laugh slipped out of my mouth. “If you were here, I wouldn’t need you to tell me anything. Everything would be right.”
The urge to wrap my arms around Will’s gravestone as if it were him overtook me as it so often did. Maybe I’d be able to feel just a fraction of his warmth. Maybe he’d be able to feel me and hear my words. Maybe that would be enough for him to give me a sign that he heard me instead of me just talking to a piece of rock in a cemetery.
Of course, I knew better. Hugging a headstone could never give me what I needed.
I was due to start work again in the morning. My first working day without Will, and no, I wasn’t ready but I didn’t think I ever would be. I had to go back sometime though. Richard had already been more than generous about giving me time off, and I needed to fill my days with something more useful than replaying everything about that day over and over as if I could change the ending, or parking myself on Leah’s sofa and watching mindless TV for hours on end. It was time to get back to reality. Work, travel, less late nights and more time away from home.
Less time to sit beside Will.
It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Calling my time in the cemetery “sitting with Will”. Obviously, I knew that wasn’t really the case, and it certainly wasn’t normal. I couldn’t see, hear, or feel him but it was the closest I could get. I could pretend he was listening because I wasn’t ready to stop telling him about my day, or my feelings, or how much I missed him.
With a sigh I raised my head and pulled myself to my feet, dusting off my jeans to get rid of any stray grass that might have stuck to my butt.
“I should go. But I’ll be back soon. I love you.”
If I hadn’t so badly needed to tell him I’d have rolled my eyes at myself.
Normal didn’t exist for me anymore.
**
I peered out of my bedroom window and spotted Bryce Warren’s car pulling up outside. My heart sped up to an intense thump and I drew in a few deep breaths, wiping my sweaty palms on my shorts. Bryce had offered to drive me to work, partly for moral support, and partly because we all knew if he didn’t, I might not make it.
I hadn’t slept much the night before. Instead, I’d tossed and turned, got up and paced around, trying to prepare myself for the day ahead. It was like starting school for the first time; stepping into the unknown. Obviously work wasn’t unknown, but at the very least it would be a little unfamiliar for a while. I hadn’t stepped foot inside the Warriors training ground since the day of Will’s funeral. I hadn’t seen most of my colleagues since then either. I’d talked to some of them on the phone, but aside from my closest friends and Richard, I hadn’t seen anyone. Couldn’t face them. Couldn’t face going back to my workplace, not even to say hello to everyone, or to meet my new colleague; Will’s replacement. I sort of felt bad for the guy, coming onto the team the way he did. It must have been uncomfortable for him. It was uncomfortable for everyone, but they’d had four months to get used to it. Everyone said he’d settled in well and was a hard worker but… he wasn’t Will.
Blowing out another breath I straightened up, grabbed my bag and headed out to meet Bryce.
Show time.
“Morning.” He greeted me with a smile as I climbed into
the passenger seat of his car, still trying to control my racing heart. “You okay?”
I swiped a hand across my forehead then pressed my fingers into my still-perspiring palms. “I’ve been better.”