“Don’t worry about it,” Miguel said. “You feeling any better?”
I shook my head. Everything was hazy and although my heart rate had slowed, my body was still quivering and I couldn’t feel my legs.
“You think you can stand?” Bryce asked. “We should get you inside. Richard will want to see you.”
“Like this? I’m a disaster. He’ll make me go home.”
I heard the unspoken words between Miguel and Bryce. Maybe that’s for the best. I didn’t want to go home but I didn’t want to stay where I was either. I let them lift me to my feet and they held me upright between them. As I finally shifted my gaze from the floor, relief flooded me when I realised that nobody was staring, and nobody was muttering.
Of course not, idiot. Hardly anyone is here yet. Stop being so damn paranoid!
Once I’d been escorted to Richard’s office, Bryce left to find our boss and Miguel sat me down at the visitor side of Richard’s desk then crouched down in front of me. “You look terrible.”
“Gee, thanks. Always good to hear.” Four weeks with no contact and those were the first words out of his mouth when we were alone? Way to make a girl feel better.
“Come on, you know what I mean. Are you sleeping okay?”
I shook my head. “Not so much. I stopped taking the sleeping tablets the doctor prescribed because I feel shitty enough most of the time anyway. I’m tired, but at least I’m lucid.”
The tablets were a last resort for me anyway; I hated poisoning my body with drugs. I tried everything to get an undisturbed sleep after Will died – exercise, warm baths and hot milk before bed, natural remedies; I even tried crystals for relaxation but none of it helped. Sleeping tablets were the only thing left and while I enjoyed my first few nights of real rest, the pills left me with a foggy feeling that was worse than just being a bit tired.
Worry sat heavy in Miguel’s eyes and he reached for my hand. “If you weren’t feeling good you should have told Richard and asked for more time off.”
“I don’t want more time off.” I snatched my hand away. “No matter when I came back this was always going to be hard. I just… I didn’t expect it to be this hard.”
The memory of my weird attack outside sent a ripple of panic down my spine. That was new. And terrifying. Even though I’d calmed down since I got inside, the after effects lingered in my heavy legs and rapid pulse.
“I’m sorry,” Miguel said. “I know this was never going to be easy.”
His chocolate brown eyes lowered and my heart sank. Still hard to be around him. Seeing Miguel was still an added reminder on top of everything else of what I’d lost. What I missed.
But none of this was his fault.
“I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just frustrated with myself. I thought if I was going to, I don’t know, flip out or whatever, it would happen later. When training had actually started, and I’d look around for Will like always and…” The words stuck in my throat. “It’s been two minutes and I can’t stand being here without him. How am I supposed to get over that?”
“You’re being too hard on yourself. Maybe you should have come here before, just to get used to it before coming back to work. I remember how it felt the first time I came here after… after. It still feels weird now, like something’s missing. But - and I hate saying this - it gets easier to be here. I still miss Will but it gets easier.”
I squeezed my eyes closed against the ache pounding behind my eyes. I knew he was right. Being without Will hadn’t gotten easier yet, but I had gotten used to him not being at the apartment. Well, kind of. I’d stopped listening for his key in the lock, and stopped buying his favourite cereals and making coffee for him in the morning the way I always used to. That was a start, right?
The door opened and Richard entered his office, worry lines etched into his face as his eyes fell on me. “Miguel, could you excuse us?”
Miguel got to his feet, giving my hand a quick squeeze before he left. Once he was gone, Richard closed his office door. “How much more time do you need?”
He spoke kindly, with the same understanding he’d shown me for months, but that only made me feel worse. He’d already been so patient with me and if I took more time off, he’d have to hire another temp coach to take my place.
“I’m okay,” I told him, forcing a smile even though my hands were still shaking.
“Yeah, nice try.” Richard took a few steps towards me. “What happened, Freya?”
With a sigh, I shook my head. “I don’t know. I was shaky before I got here, and then, while we were walking to the locker room, I just… I thought about the last time I was here. The reason I was here. Everything came crashing down on me and I couldn’t breathe.”
I rubbed my eyes, annoyed and surprised to find tears there. Tears of frustration, tiredness, and suppressed grief. That was the thing. I’d cried so much in the beginning that I’d emptied myself of emotion. I didn’t think I could squeeze out another tear, and on the rare times I felt them coming on, I pushed them down, forced myself to stop because… how long could I go on crying for? I was always scared if I started again I might not stop.
“I’m sorry,” I said as my chest tightened again, my breath growing shallow. “I’ll be okay. I just need a minute.”
“You need to go home.” Richard crouched down in front of me, holding my hand the way Miguel had a few moments before. “You don’t need to be sorry. This will take however long it takes. I want you back, but I want you to be okay with being here, and right now, you’re not.”
“But how long before-”