“If you want to you’re welcome to join us. If you want to stay here that’s okay too. Try to hang in as long as you can. Why don’t you grab a coffee then come out and say hello to everyone?”
A coffee meant going into the restaurant, where Will’s wake was held. If coming into the grounds was hard, going there would be impossible. I’d had enough of the flashbacks already.
As if he saw my feelings shining in my eyes, Richard said, “Maybe you can save that hurdle for another day.”
I nodded. “I might go later. Right now I’ll just wait here.”
Richard tipped his head in understanding before running back onto the grass to his team. They knew better than to stop doing drills, even when Richard stepped away. Again, I watched without truly seeing, trying to picture myself coaching again. Trying to find my way back into the team camaraderie we used to have, knowing it would never be the same. From where I sat it felt as though everyone else had moved on. I didn’t begrudge them any happiness; I wished I could find my own. But it was hard to hear their laughter when my heart continued to cry.
“Excuse me.”
I didn’t recognise the male voice or the pale blue eyes that met mine as I looked up, but I knew who he was. His brown hair was cropped short at the sides, longer at the front and sort of swept up into a trendy peak. He was the epitome of L.A cool.
“Hello.”
With slight hesitation, the stranger sat on the bench beside me. “Freya, right?”
I nodded. “You must be Ethan.”
He held out his hand for me to shake and I accepted. The warmth of his fingers around mine negated the sweatiness of my grasp since he was already hot anyway. I guessed he was about twenty-four years old, and this was probably his first major job since college. Although he shuffled awkwardly where he sat, his overall demeanour was of confidence and kindness, and a tiny bit of my terror over meeting him dwindled away.
“I’ve been waiting to meet you,” he said. “I didn’t intend to pounce on you thirty seconds after you arrived here, it’s just, I thought I’d meet you yesterday and I got myself prepared and then… well, you had to go. I probably should have waited until you settled but the waiting made me antsy and I really just wanted to get it over with. Not that I thought meeting you would be bad, but… I think it was always going to be a little weird.”
I gave him a smile of understanding because I totally related to everything he said. Meeting the man who took Will’s job, even though everyone had told me he was a good guy, had played on my mind as my work start date grew closer. It was hard enough knowing Will wasn’t there, but knowing someone new would be in his place scared me. I didn’t know how I’d react to him, if I’d instantly hate him because he wasn’t Will, or if I’d avoid him as much as possible because of the pain of what I’d lost. As it turned out, Ethan’s nervous chatter made the introduction easier somehow.
“It’s good to meet you,” I told him, sincerely. “Thank you for being brave enough to talk to me first. And for understanding.”
His easy smile relaxed me more and I noticed some of the tension leave his body as his shoulders lowered and he let out a breath. “I don’t really know what to say now, other than I’m so sorry for your loss. This is the worst way to come into a job.”
“Thank you. I understand it must have been rough for you to come onto the team like this, with everyone…”
“Wishing I was someone else? Yeah. But I get it. I get that the whole team lost someone special. I may never have met Will, but the way everyone speaks about him, I can tell he was someone to look up to. Someone who was respected.”
“He sure was.” Tears pricked at the backs of my eyes. Partly at the mention of Will, and partly at the kindness of my new team mate. He didn’t have to make the effort. Most people would have been too intimidated to approach the woman falling apart on the sidelines.
“If I knew you better, I’d hug you right now.” Ethan gave a small laugh. “But since I don’t, I’m gonna get back to work.” He held his hand out again and I shook it. Again. “It’s great to finally meet you. I’m looking forward to working with you as soon as you’re ready.”
A small part of me wished he had hugged me; it would have been an excellent bonding exercise and it might have glued together the pieces of me that had started to fall away at the mention of Will. Sometimes that was how I felt. Like little parts of me were flaking off, dropping away and leaving behind an empty shell. In truth, I was the only person who could glue me back together but I was at a loss for how to make it happen.
Coffee. Some people think chocolate is the universal answer to life’s problems, but for me, it’s coffee. I really couldn’t avoid the restaurant forever, and maybe watching everyone from above through a pane of glass would make being there easier. Like I was watching through a TV screen or something. Buoyed by Ethan’s introduction – because, let’s face it – that was a gigantic worry crossed off my list, I stood and slowly made my way to the restaurant.
As soon as I entered the first set of doors, the ones that led to the physio’s office, Richard’s office, and the changing rooms, the smell hit me. Swe
aty men, soccer boots, testosterone. Yup, I was home. The stairs to the restaurant loomed ahead, spiralling upwards, challenging me to climb them and face my fear.
With a deep, shuddering breath, I took a few steps forward then my feet froze, rooted to the spot just like they did in the parking lot.
“Come on!” I snarled at myself, curling my fingers in to clench my palms. “Normality is just up those stairs. Get your shit together.”
I shook my head at my need to talk to myself. Besides, normality was not up those stairs. Normality was a foreign, unreachable land. Even so, finding it would be easier if I could take the next few steps. Another deep exhale and I shuffled onwards. With each step up, every miserable image I’d had pushed into my consciousness. The stale stench of sadness, the sympathetic eyes of friends and family, my mind flicking back to the sight of Will’s coffin being lowered into the ground and me screaming, begging them to stop so I could hold on to it for a little longer.
That vision. It knocked me down every time and I sank onto the steps as my legs collapsed beneath me, heart racing and a searing ache ripping at my guts.
I need this to be over. I need to move on. This constant back and forth of feelings was killing me. I wanted to feel alive again, or I may as well have jumped into that grave too. But how was I meant to move on? My best friend, the love of my life, died just a few months ago – when should the grieving process stop? In my head, I felt like there should be some kind of time limit because nobody can grieve forever. Can they? I didn’t know where the line should be drawn between letting the process do its thing in its own time, or trying to crawl out of it and get back to being myself again. I thought back to how I’d felt after hearing Leah and Radleigh arguing the night before. How I’d neglected my friendships because I hadn’t known they might have problems, or at least that Leah wasn’t happy. Maybe that was the place to start. Finding my way back by opening myself up to the lives of my friends.
I just had to persuade them to let me.
I didn’t stay at work for nearly as long as I wanted to. Although I only set myself a goal of one hour, I really wanted to see the whole day through. After battling my way to the Warriors canteen and forcing myself to stay for the duration of a cup of coffee, I was exhausted. Being there drained my energy and left me feeling disappointed, unhappy, set back. I’d only tried twice but frustration at the slow, almost non-existent progress took hold of me, and to top off my horrible day, I’d stupidly agreed to meet a few of the guys from work at a club later as part of my “trying to re-connect with my friends” mission. It wouldn’t be a late night – or not too late, anyway, since the Warriors had a match the next day, but the thought of getting dressed up when I wanted to climb into my pyjamas didn’t appeal to me in any way.