Play On (Game On 4)

And he did make me feel something. Safe, secure, like I was a part of something again. As much as my heart ached with missing Will and my insides shrivelled at the knowledge I’d done something so wrong, I couldn’t deny Miguel had provided me with a warmth that took the edge off the ice that had flowed through my veins since the second I got that phone call.

Miguel reached for my hand and I glanced down at our lightly intertwined fingers, unsure whether to close mine around his. He’d held my hand a million times, but this time the implications if I didn’t let go were different than they were before. If there even were implications. Maybe I was reading too much into everything.

While I tried to figure it out, Miguel moved his hand away and gripped his mug instead. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

Shaking my head I moved one of my hands over his, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m sorry. And I think you were wrong. This probably does have to be awkward but I’d like us to move on. Quickly. Can we maybe go back to how we were? Pretend Friday night didn’t happen?”

This time it was Miguel who stared at our joined hands, but when he looked up, he smiled. “Sure. What do you say we finish our drinks then go bug Jesse for a while?”

I laughed, relieved at how fast he’d agreed. “Sounds good to me.”

True to Miguel’s plan, we stayed in Genie’s for a while longer, the conversation moving to safer ground as we made small talk, then we headed over to visit Jesse. Since he’d moved back to his own apartment once his knee was healed enough that he could move around, he was a lot happier. A little lonelier without his family around him, but less suffocated by them fussing around him. Miguel and I stayed at Jesse’s for a couple of hours, and with each passing second, more of the tension between us ebbed away. By the end of the day, things were almost normal between us again, the only hint of weirdness popping up when it was time for Miguel to leave, when our goodbye hug was stiff and kind of formal.

When I went to bed, my thoughts were still a little tangled, but I’d tackled the situation with Miguel head on. I hadn’t run away from it, and the next day, it was time to try the same thing at work.

Chapter 6 – It’s a Process

“Here she is!” Richard greeted me with a smile as I walked across the pitch towards him. Once again, Bryce was at my side holding me up, but my feet were still moving in the right direction. Bonus.

“Morning,” I said as we reached him. My eyes scanned the soccer field, the sheer size overwhelming me for a second but I focused on Richard again and breathed through the rising panic. Bryce put his arm around my shoulder as if he’d sensed my inner discomfort and I leaned into him a little.

“How are you feeling this morning?” Richard asked, surveying me closely.

“I’m okay. Not great, but okay.”

“You look a whole lot better than you looked last week, but you know the drill. Stay for as long as you can, and if you need a break or you need to go home, just let me know, okay?”

I nodded. My heart pounded harder when I spotted a few of the guys from the team walking out from the locker rooms, ready for work.

This would usually be the part of the day when Will and I would have snuck up to the cafeteria for an early coffee, and once again, my palms moistened at the painful reminder we’d never do that again.

“Come on.” Bryce squeezed my shoulder. “Let’s go grab some water before we get started.”

Again, I nodded; it was the only thing I was capable of as my quivering legs carried me towards the main building.

How is this so hard? How is this harder than sleeping with Miguel?

I blinked a few times as fog clouded my vision. What sort of question was that for my brain to ask?

An honest one?

“Hey,” Bryce said, and I realised we’d stopped. “You okay?”

I glanced up at him, the concern in his eyes mocking me because all my good intentions of being brave and making it through the day had slid away with my horrid thoughts.

“Yeah,” I lied, forcing myself to nod. “I’m fine.”

I’m not fine. I’m freaking confused. And nothing is easy anymore. Nothing.

My thoughts continued to shout over each other as I let Bryce lead me up to the cafeteria, and when he left me to get our drinks, I rested my forehead on the table and drew in some deep breaths while giving myself a pep talk.

Point number one; sleeping with Miguel was not easy. Sure, it happened quickly and without a whole lot of thought about what might happen after, but it isn’t like I’ve hooked up with a bunch of guys to drown out my pain. I made a mistake. We made a mistake. Point number two; four months is no time at all. This is your third day back, what did you ex

pect? Grieving doesn’t go away just because you want it to. It’s a process. Some days it involves starting all over again, and the stupidest things can take a long time to get used to. Work is one of those things.

“Freya?”

Miguel’s voice made me lift my head, and I forced a smile when his brown eyes met mine. “Hey.”