Play On (Game On 4)

She gave an understanding smile. “Realistically.”

“Realistically, I don’t know. This is going to sound weird in light of what I’ve told you but I can’t make any sense of my feelings for Miguel. He’s been amazing. He’s amazing. When I’m with him everything’s easier but it’s not okay to think about him in a romantic way. It’s not okay that we slept together, or that we kissed last night. I don’t know if I want to be with him, but I do know that I don’t want to be with him like this. When I’m so damn confused. It wouldn’t be fair. Last night he asked me to just let this be whatever it is, and I was so close to saying yes. To letting us go with our feelings and see where they lead us. Now everyone knows and that choice is gone.”

Silence fell between us and I let my head fall onto Leah’s shoulder again, waiting for her advice. She was weighing it up in her head, I knew it. Eventually she said, “Whatever you decide to do, I’ll be here for you. So will everyone in your life who matters. Don’t

rush your decision because you think people are judging you. You and Miguel have both been hurt enough.”

“Am I weak, Leah? I mean, I turned to Miguel for comfort. Am I weak for needing a man in my life?”

“You don’t need ‘a man’ in your life. You’ve done the single thing. You did it for years. You need Miguel. And at this point, I don’t think you need him as much as you think you do.”

“It feels really wrong. Dating? Already?”

Leah shook her head. “Who says you have to define it?”

“Everyone else will define it.”

“Screw them.” Leah sat forward a little, placing her hands on her swollen stomach. “Remember how things were for Radleigh and me? Everyone was talking about us before they knew the truth – before we even knew the truth. I ran away when I should have stayed and fought for what I wanted, because even when I came back, people were still talking. But those people weren’t the ones who mattered. The people who matter are the ones who will wait for the truth and stay by your side. You’re enjoying being with someone who understands how you feel, and whether you label it or not, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“What if… what if we’re just using each other and we both get hurt?”

Leah shook her head again. “Don’t you see? You and Will… you wasted so much time worrying about the what ifs. I’m not saying Miguel is the right person for you to be with forever, but if you don’t take a risk now and again, you might miss out on something else that could be amazing. I love you both and you deserve to be happy. If people judge you for trying to move on, they are the ones with the problem.”

Chapter 10 - Space

I wanted to keep Leah’s words in the front of my mind at work the next day. Unfortunately, believing them was impossible when people kept staring at me. My colleagues, my friends, had almost all turned on me based on Tommy’s tiny snippet of gossip. I truly felt as if we’d gone back in time to when Leah cheated on Miguel, and everyone stopped talking to her over a situation they didn’t fully understand.

I tried to put myself in their position. What if this had happened to someone else on the team? Would I have been so quick to judge? Maybe. Probably. One thing I’d learned from Leah was to gather the facts before making a decision but I could see how, on the surface, I looked like a cold-hearted bitch.

Miguel got similar treatment, and every now and then our eyes would meet across the field and we’d have a moment of understanding, a moment of knowing at the end of the day we would get together and talk things through, but we couldn’t do that at work. Not with people watching us. The atmosphere was suffocating; I didn’t feel free to relax because I was over-conscious of what everyone would think if I moved within ten feet of Miguel so I kept as far away as possible.

At lunchtime I didn’t even contemplate going to the restaurant. I slipped out of the training ground and across the street to the diner where there would be fewer eyes on me. Bad move. For whatever reason, I wasn’t the only person who’d chosen to eat there but I’d already ordered a coffee and a wrap before I spotted Tommy and Cody. Hoping they hadn’t seen me, I slipped into the nearest booth and took a few deep breaths.

Of all the people who could have been there.

“Hiding, are we?”

Tommy’s voice caused goose bumps to ripple over my skin. He and I had never been friends but he’d never spoken to me so coldly before. Cody was by his side, his feet shifting awkwardly.

“Please. I just want to eat my lunch.”

“You’re all about getting what you want, huh? You and Miguel been going at it on the side the whole time? Or did you just spot an opportunity?”

“Tommy, come on,” Cody said, as the stabbing pains began in my stomach. “Don’t do this.”

The world blurred as Tommy turned to Cody, snarling. “I know you don’t think what she did is okay. You just said-”

I didn’t want to know what Cody “just said”. My heart pounded, and moisture covered my palms again as anxiety gripped me in its hold. I couldn’t move.

“Quit it,” Cody interrupted. “This is not our business.”

“We’re a team! And she fucked Will over! She’s probably been fucking him over the whole time!”

I clutched my hands to my stomach as sickness crept up my throat. Heartbeat too fast. Palms sweaty. Dizzy. Blurry. I leaned forward slightly, trying to draw in some deep breaths but I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. Tommy’s words crashed over me, raining down on my body like physical blows and allowing the anxiety to drag me in further, to where it had threatened to pull me all morning. I wanted to scream, or move, or cry, but I couldn’t make my body do anything. It froze and all I could do was hug my arms around myself to block out the oncoming chill.

“Stop it!” Cody squeezed into the booth beside me, trying to unwind an arm from around my stomach but I held firm, not wanting to let go of my little cocoon of safety. “Freya, you need to calm down, okay? Give me your hand.” When I shook my head, Cody took a firm hold of my wrist and pulled it away from me towards him then wrapped his fingers around mine. Instantly the panic grabbed me again and I gasped out a breath as I looked up at him.

“It’s okay,” he said gently, pushing his dark hair out of his green eyes so he could focus on me. “You’re okay. Breathe with me.”