Play On (Game On 4)

“So, I haven’t been brave enough to visit for a while,” I began. “I’ve been ashamed, scared, confused, and a bunch of other feelings too complicated to explain. Here’s the thing, though. I didn’t know how to talk to you with so much craziness going on. Maybe it’s true what people say, that you’re watching over me. If it is true then you already know what’s happening. If you know, I hope you don’t hate me. I doubt you could hate me more than I hated myself at first.” I placed my hand on Will’s headstone then leaned my head against it, my entire body filling with grief as strong as the day he died. “I miss you so much, Will. I’ll always love you and you’ll always be the one. The one I should have spent my life with. But you’re not here and I’ve had the hardest time accepting that. How could I? Everything we had planned was snatched away in a second and I was left here trying to figure out what to do. It’s not over yet. I’m still going to struggle every day, but something happened along the way. Something unexpected.” I paused, ready to speak my feelings out loud, not just to Will but for myself. “Miguel and I… I don’t even know what we are, or what it means, but I think it means something. Maybe we’ll fall in love, or maybe we’ll just hold onto each other until we feel whole again. I don’t know where it’ll go, but I hope you understand. I hope you know nobody could ever replace you. But right now, this is what I need.”

I closed my eyes, relief flooding through me. I couldn’t know if Will had heard my confession, or felt the love I held for him, but somewhere inside me I believed he did. The words needed to be spoken aloud, for me and for him, and now it was done, all I could do for the next few hours was wait to check off the next important thing on my list.

I sat at Will’s grave for a long time; longer than I had in months. Part of the reason was because I had a long wait ahead of me, but mostly I just needed to be there, thinking about him and what was to come. When I eventually left and headed home, I felt as if my batteries had been re-charged and I was actually ready to do something without the weight of guilt hanging over me. Something that was just for me, and screw what anyone thought.

At seven-thirty that evening, I sat on the steps in front of Miguel’s house, my feet drumming anxiously as I waited. He’d be arriving any minute, and my stomach was knotted up, my heart pounding a noisy rhythm in my chest. I was like a one-woman band that nobody could hear but me.

I wasn’t sure what made me so nervous; maybe it was simply the admission of the truth but there was also a bit of me that thought Miguel might have given up on me. I wouldn’t have blamed him, not when I’d been so back and forth, and then pushed him right away when things got tough. At this point, I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I’d realised I didn’t need Miguel, or at least not as much as I’d needed him before. I wanted him back in my life, and I wanted to have a life again.

When the cab stopped outside Miguel’s house, my vision blurred the way it did when I was about to have an anxiety attack. This was a big deal, but not something that had the potential to set me back. I internally told the panic to leave me alone; I was stronger than that now and I could do this. I rose to my feet as Miguel got out of the cab, and when he saw me he stopped abruptly.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Miguel dropped his suitcase to the ground and watched me, waiting. On quivering legs, I walked down the steps and joined him on the sidewalk as the taxi drove away. My heart continued to pound, beating harder when his brown eyes locked on to mine and he smiled.

“What’s up, Freya?”

This was it. The moment I’d thought about since I woke up. The words I’d wanted to say dried up with him looking at me so intently, so I remained silent for a little longer, studying his face while I waited for the words to re-appear.

I’d looked into Miguel’s eyes a million times, seen his smile a million times. I’d never drowned in the depths of those chocolate browns before, though. Never allowed myself to stare at his full lips and think about kissing them. Now it was all I could think about, and I reached for his hand, linking my fingers through his.

“Six months ago, I lost the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with,” I began, looking down at our joined hands. “That still hurts every single day. It’s going to hurt for a long time, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. I don’t need to tell you how much I loved Will; you already know. And nobody could ever take his place. But then there was you.” I lifted my head, our eyes connecting again. “One of my best friends. Everything between us has shocked me and confused me, but it’s also helped to heal me. You know what I did yesterday?” Miguel shook his head. “I sat with Leah through most of her labour. I was the second person to meet her and Radleigh’s baby girl.”

Miguel smiled. “That’s awesome.”

I nodded, tearing up at the memory. “It was, and seeing Leah and Radleigh with their baby made me realise something. It doesn’t matter how unconventional a relationship is, or what other people think about it. What matters is what’s happening within that r

elationship.” I let go of Miguel’s hands and lightly rested my hands on his waist, taking a deep breath. “I think you were right. I’d like to do what you wanted to do all along. I don’t know how this will work, and I’m not ready to make any kind of commitment, but I want us to just go with our feelings and see where we end up. Life is way too short not to try to be happy. I want to try.”

Miguel closed his eyes for a second then reached up to hold my face in his hands. “Are you sure about this?” His gaze seemed to stare straight through to my soul.

“I’m sure.”

“So… it’s okay to kiss you right now?” he asked, his feet shuffling forward slightly.

I nodded. “Yes.”

A smile graced his lips before he softly pressed his mouth against mine and pulled me close. I wound my arms around him, letting his warmth soak into me, relishing the feeling of allowing it to fill me up instead of pushing it away.

“I understand, you know?” he said against my cheek. “I understand what this is, and whatever happens, I’ll always be here for you. Let’s take things slowly and… we’ll see.”

I looked up at him, nodding again. “We’ll see.”

Wherever this took us, I knew I’d never lose him again. I knew because we were both entering this thing carefully and without rushing. For some people, this non-commitment wouldn’t have been enough, but it was all either of us could handle for the time being. What mattered was admitting there might be a base for us to build on, and allowing ourselves a chance to explore it without hating ourselves.

We’d both lost someone who meant the world to us, but we’d found something too. Now it was time for us to step forward.

Together.