If I Let You Go

“Screwed.”

“You don’t want to go with them? It would be amazing to live in New York!”

My thoughts ground to a halt. Why didn’t he ask me to go with them? I’d been looking after Tilly for three years. She’d never really known any other female. The rest of her family – the rest of both of our families – lived in Devon, and her mother … well, nobody knew where the hell she was. The Hartleys had moved into the house next door to my parents while I was away at Uni. I only met Dominic’s wife, Hayley, once or twice because by the time I left Uni, she’d run away with some bloke she’d met at work. She hadn’t made any attempt to contact her daughter in more than four years.

“Oh,” Erica said, noting my expression. “I see. Well, that’s just rude. Didn’t he give you any explanation?”

I rolled over onto my back with a sigh. “I didn’t give him much of a chance to explain anything. I just wanted to get out of there.”

“Well, maybe before you blow a fuse, you should listen to what he has to say.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” I told her. “Not yet. I need some time to calm down and let it all sink in. And by that I mean, I need to get drunk and jump around with a bunch of sweaty strangers. And we need to find you a new boyfriend!”

Erica rolled her eyes. “I should probably get over the last one first.”

“Probably,” I agreed. “No chance of getting him back?”

“I don’t think so. He said I’m too obsessive, but I’m not, am I? I mean, I called him a few times a day to arrange a third date but I don’t think I was obsessive. What do you think?”

I giggled. “Haven’t you learned that men don’t like to be called twelve times a day?”

“Okay,” she said, matter-of-factly, “I definitely called less than twelve times, and what was I supposed to do? Wait around for him? I know there are all those stupid dating self-help books that say you’re meant to hold back, maintain a bit of mystery, but screw that! What’s wrong with a girl asking for a date?”

“Nothing at all,” I told her, sitting up. “But maybe you should … try waiting. Or at least calling less.”

She shrugged, as if to say, ‘Why change the habit of a lifetime?’ and I laughed harder. “Erica, there is no hope for you.”

“I know,” she moaned. “I’m going to die alone!”

I stood up, and placed my hands on her shoulders. “You are too lovely for that to happen. Now, practise your smile while I go and get changed!”

**

The nearest decent nightlife was in Kingston-Upon-Thames, a fifteen minute cab ride from Esher. Talking about Erica’s love life over dinner helped take my mind off my own problems for a while, but I couldn’t completely rid myself of the knot of annoyance that had tied itself up inside me. By the time we got to the nightclub, I was desperate to start throwing cocktails down my neck.

Dominic had tried to call me seven times since I left the apartment, and each time, I’d ignored him. I didn’t want the sound of his voice in my head all night.

We’d only been at the club for an hour before Erica found a new guy to attach herself to. I watched from my spot at the bar as the handsome stranger wound himself around her on the dance floor. It never took her long to find someone else. Her unwavering faith in true love both amused and inspired me, although in honesty, I hadn’t looked for anything serious since … well … ever. I’d had boyfriends and heartbreaks during college and university, but I’d never been the kind of girl who needed a man in my life. For the last few years, I hadn’t really had time for dating because Tilly had been my focus.

The knot in my stomach tightened as I thought of her. God, I loved that little girl. She’d stolen my heart from the first moment I met her, and watching her grow into such a beautiful, kind-hearted kid had been nothing

but a pleasure. An unexpected lump rose in my throat at the prospect of losing her, but a fresh wave of rage soon pushed it aside. Dominic can’t have thought his decision through properly, or he would have seen what a big mistake it was. Tilly could be cheeky at times, but for the most part, she was shy, especially around new people. It would be doubly hard for her if Dominic went away on business, and she had someone unfamiliar taking care of her.

“Well, good evening, Madison.”

The husky voice in my ear made my irritation melt away, and I turned around, smiling.

“Neil. It’s good to see you.”

“I didn’t know you’d be out tonight, you should have called.”

It was a mark of how stressed I’d been. Any other night I knew I’d be in Kingston, Neil was always first on my to-call list. A friend of Erica’s, I’d met him six months ago, when she’d invited me to celebrate her birthday with her and her friends. The attraction was instant. I couldn’t resist his dark hair, dark eyes … and his muscles? Wow. We never got into anything serious, but we had an unspoken agreement that we’d hook up whenever we could. Seemed like a pretty good deal to me. We had great sex, and didn’t have to worry about the pleasantries. It wasn’t nearly as cold as it sounded, in fact, I loved the familiarity of being with him. Neither of us ever wanted anything more serious.

“I’m sorry,” I said, genuinely. “There is a lot going on in my world at the moment, and I only just managed to escape tonight.”

“I’m glad you did,” he said, squeezing himself into a gap between me and the thirsty hordes surrounding the bar. “You look gorgeous.”

I’d gone for a slightly uncharacteristic retro look, at least with my dress. It was fifties style, with the kind of cut that moulds itself to every curve. The neckline was low and square, but I’d teamed it up with modern accessories to create an interesting mix of old and new.