If I Let You Go

“I know what you’re thinking,” I said. “And you’re wrong. I don’t agree with you moving to New York, but I know why you do what you do, and it’s not because you’re a bad father. I see you working every hour of every day to give Tilly everything she needs because you think you need to make up for her growing up without a mother. But you don’t need to try so hard. You’ve done it. You’re successful, you can provide for her, and now she needs you. Just you.”

Slowly, he straightened up. “If there’s one thing I did right for her, it wasn’t working so hard. It was choosing you. Don’t think I haven’t always appreciated you, because I have, but I’m only just starting to realise how much of who she is is down to you.”

“I think it was a team effort,” I said, softly. “But thank you.”

Dominic hesitantly raised his hand a little, then lowered it. The move made my heart race again, and when he smiled at me, I felt it. I felt it in every part of me, like the smallest curve of his lips had the power to cause an energy surge in my body.

The answers to those questions I’d been ignoring began to fall into place.

“I should go,” I said.

When he raised his hand again, he didn’t change his mind. His fingertips gently found their way into my hair, only touching very lightly, but enough to make me tingle. My head lowered as I tried to find the strength to walk away, but he put his finger under my chin and carefully tilted it upwards. I closed my eyes, because looking into his would make me fall harder, deeper than I wanted to go. With my eyes shut, every other sense I possessed came alive, and I knew his lips were a mere fraction from mine.

“Please,” I breathed. “Please don’t make me fall in love with you.”

His forehead rested against mine, his hand moving from under my chin to the back of my neck. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. But I think something’s happening here.”

All it would take is one tiny movement.

I couldn’t let myself kiss him. Even if everything in me wanted him, I couldn’t put myself through it.

“No,” I said, pulling away. “You’re upset about Tilly, and you’re only thinking about me this way because it’s what’s right for her.”

Dominic only ever wanted what was best for Tilly, and he’d suddenly realised that I was it. He thought I was the best person to take care of her, but that didn’t automatically mean he should feel something for me.

“That’s not true,” he said.

“Isn’t it?”

His silence gave me my answer. I took a long, deep breath, then stepped out of the car without another word.

Chapter 8

Day two hundred and sixty-three without any sleep, and Madison Connor is starting to lose the plot.

There was not enough caffeine in the world to get my brain working, but I’d guzzled three cups by eight on Monday morning anyway. I planned to go to Exeter with my mum, so I could see how much the city had changed in the last couple of years, and also

, to try to block out the images of Dominic that had tattooed themselves inside my head.

All night, it was as if he was in the room with me. The look in his eyes when I’d arrived at his mum’s the night before, the way he’d been so open about how he felt, the sensation of his fingers entwined in my hair. It all led me to the one place I never wanted to go.

But is it real?

When I’d told Neil that I thought my feelings for Dominic were based on fear, I truly meant it. Just as I believed his feelings for me were more about Tilly than him, I’d convinced myself I was just panicked because he was leaving.

If that was true though, I wouldn’t have found it so hard to walk away from him when he almost kissed me. I wouldn’t have felt every word he’d said sinking into me, and I wouldn’t have stayed awake all night wishing I’d allowed myself to fall just a little bit further, to really understand.

My plan for the day was disrupted when I got a phone call from Tilly at nine, asking me if I wanted to join her, Dominic, Jayne, Dave and his family on a picnic on Dartmoor. She said her uncle Dave had “requested my presence,” and Dominic would pick me up at ten.

Logic told me to stay away. I was tired, confused and being near Dominic would only make it worse.

But I wanted to be there. And I hadn’t made any official plans with my mum, so I told Tilly I’d be ready at ten, then set about getting dressed. It was the perfect day for a Dartmoor picnic. The sun promised a scorching summer day. I dressed accordingly, slipping into a short-ish denim skirt and a black vest top.

I hadn’t been to the moors in about ten years, and in spite of any potential awkwardness, I was excited to be going back to a place where I’d spent many brilliant summers, splashing in the rivers and watching the Dartmoor ponies. Tilly’s mood was bright when she knocked on my door. She gave me a wide grin, throwing her arms around me, then dragging me down the path to Dominic’s car, her restless night forgotten.

Climbing into the back seat - because Jayne was in the front - made the events of the night before flick through my mind. His car – a Mercedes C-Class Coupe - always smelled of leather, and a scent that was distinctly him. I tried not to breathe it in, but it’s impossible to avoid filling your senses with something that smells so good.

Dangerous thoughts.