If I Let You Go

I had no idea why that question came out of my mouth when there were so many others to choose from. But it had been irking me because Dominic usually kept his private life to himself. The same way he’d kept Serena to himself – but that was a road I really didn’t want to go down. No matter how much I didn’t want to discuss what happened between us, there is only so long a topic can be ignored. It was time. My heart pounded, but it was time.

“I can’t believe he spoke to you about that,” Dominic said, shaking his head. “I asked him not to bring it up.”

“Well, he did. He told me what you said about how you felt.”

“Of course he did, he’s got a big mouth.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? You just asked me if I love you. And you told Dave you loved me.”

“That’s how I felt. But you wouldn’t talk about it. Every time I got close to mentioning it you changed the subject, or made an excuse to leave.”

He was absolutely right. I never gave him much of a chance, but the risk was too big. What if we didn’t feel the same way? What if we did?

When did I even decide how I feel?

I took a step back. “Walking away is the right thing to do. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought this up again.”

Dominic reached out before I could scurry to my room to hide. His hands rested lightly on my waist, and I almost, almost, put my arms around him. We’d been here before. Barely clothed in his bedroom, but this time, I refused to let anything happen.

“I know this is a mess,” he said. “The timing is awful, but even if we don’t talk about it, the feelings will still be there.”

“I can cope with the feelings. I can’t cope with acting on them. Not when you’re leaving in a few weeks.”

I looked into his eyes, willing him to let it go. To understand why it was better to carry on as if nothing had happened like we’d done for the past couple of weeks. A moment passed, and finally, he nodded, letting go of me. I turned to leave again, but jumped when I noticed Tilly standing in the doorway. Her cheeks were streaked with tears, and she clung to Mungo and Patch.

“Why are you in Daddy’s room?” she asked.

She couldn’t have been there for too long, but my heart still thundered. If she saw Dominic’s arms around me or heard anything, it would only confuse her, and things were complicated enough for her already.

“We were just talking,” I told her, as she walked towards me and reached out for me to pick her up.

“Did you have another bad dream?” Dominic asked, taking her hand in his.

She nodded, then buried her face into my shoulder as we all sat on the bed.

“Come here, darling.”

Tilly let me go and crawled onto his lap. “Do you want to sleep in here with me tonight?” he asked, and she nodded.

“I’m gonna go to bed,” I said.

“Wait!” Tilly said. “Can’t you sleep here too?”

If only everything in life was as simple as it seems through a child’s eyes.

“Not really,” I said. “This is Daddy’s bed.”

“Yeah I know, but he doesn’t mind, do you, Daddy?”

Dominic shrugged. “I don’t mind. But Madison has her own bed to sleep in.”

Her lower lip stuck out a little. “But I’ll be safer if you’re both with me.”

She was totally playing me because she knew I hated leaving her after a nightmare. I wouldn’t usually let her get away with it, but it was late, she was tired and I figured I could sneak out as soon as she fell asleep.

“Okay,” I told her. “I’ll sleep in here.”

“Yay!”