Sort of an understatement. Crappy is when your car breaks down. I’d gotten myself stuck in a rut I didn’t know how to get out of, with a husband who wasn’t listening, and a head full of questions about what I wanted from my life. How would I even start to explain? Where would I start?
“Is this girl talk again?” Radleigh asked. “Do you need me to leave?”
“No. Nothing I have to say is more important than Freya, and that’s who we should be focusing on now.”
One thing Leah always did well was know when to quit. I had some stuff to think through before I could talk so she stopped pushing. Instead, she reached over and gave me a hug. Aside from Jude’s. Leah’s hugs were my favourites. She didn’t do that lame half-hug crap, she wrapped me up and held me firmly.
“Call me when you’re ready, okay?”
“I will.”
I had to tackle the conversation with Jesse next. Jude hadn’t called to say he was on his way back yet so I left Leah and Radleigh and drove home. They were headed back to Freya’s for a while, and I promised I’d join them later.
After I’d had the conversation I’d been dreading.
Once inside, I didn’t give myself time to wimp out. I grabbed my phone and dialled Jesse’s number, breath held while I waited.
“Bree.” He let out a sigh of relief. “I was about five minutes away from asking my mom to drive me to your house.”
“I didn’t hear my phone before. I’m sorry.”
“Are you okay? You scared the hell out of me when you ran out yesterday.”
Nothing sounded different in his voice. He still sounded like Jesse, although a touch more serious under the circumstances. But he didn’t sound awkward like I’d expected.
“I’m okay,” I said. “Well… sort of. As okay as I can be after...”
“Leah said you were at Freya’s before.”
“Yeah. A bunch of us were. She didn’t want to talk or anything, though. Are you… how are you doing?”
“Not so good. I have something to tell you and after what happened yesterday, I don’t know how you’re going to react. I need to talk to everyone else, too, but I thought you should be the first person to find out.”
Dread bubbled in my stomach. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.
“What is it?”
“There was an accident at the end of my road late last night, a little after midnight. We didn’t leave the house but we saw the flashing lights from ambulance and the police cars. Someone got trapped under a huge tree branch. We actually heard the crack when it fell. The person underneath was taken to hospital but the injuries were too bad. Bree, it was Taylor. Her mom came to the house to tell me.”
I fell backwards onto the stairs, trying to stop the room swimming in front of me. First Will, now Taylor?
“I… Did you… What?”
I saw her. A few hours before, I talked to her and she laughed at me. I hit her. Did I contribute to her death? Maybe after I slapped her, she got so upset she… No. I left hours before midnight. And she didn’t seem upset. At all. She must have just parked farther up the road where she wouldn’t have even been able to view Jesse’s house properly, unless she had night vision goggles or binoculars, which honestly wouldn’t have surprised me. God, what was she doing there? After I left, why would she stay? Jesse was never going to leave his house at that time of night in a storm.
Another piece of the disjointed jigsaw in my brain flipped over, fell away. I wanted to flip all the pieces over so I didn’t have to look at the messed up picture I’d created for myself.
Friends dead. Confused about my marriage. Confused about my whole life.
“I don’t even know how to feel, Bree. Aren’t I supposed to be sad? She used to be my girlfriend. I loved her once.”
He should have felt relief. That was the first emotion emerging within me until I squashed it down, because what kind of person is relieved to find out someone’s dead? That would make me a terrible person.
But Taylor wasn’t a good person, either.
“Jesse…I… Thank you for telling me first. I don’t know how to feel either.”
I just want to feel something real. Something to show me I’m not a horrible, selfish bitch.