Sidelined (Game On 3)

“There’s more,” Jesse said. “I felt like such an asshole because her mom was here, devastated, and I think she wanted to… I guess be near the last place Taylor was alive. And I just wanted her to go away. She gave me something of Taylor’s and I need you to have it. I don’t want it, and you probably don’t either, but I can’t bring myself to throw it away.”

“What did she give you?”

“A journal. I think Taylor’s mom was trying to apologise for what Taylor did. She said there are things in the journal she thought I should see.”

“Why would she immediately think to look in her daughter’s journal? I mean, that’s kind of weird.”

And sort of morbid. Shouldn’t she have been calling relatives and… stuff?

“Well, Taylor was kind of weird. It had to come from somewhere.”

I chuckled, instantly guilty for laughing at such a time until Jesse did the same at the other end of the line.

“Sorry,” he said. “That was wrong.”

“True, though. But wrong.”

“Her mom was probably searching for answers. I don’t know if she knew Taylor had been stalking me or Radleigh. I don’t even care. I just don’t want this book in my house. Will you come get it?”

“Now?”

I hadn’t prepared myself to see Jesse for a while. The phone call was going well, but I couldn’t see him through my cell. Face to face scared me.

“I’d appreciate it,” he said. “And if you want to avoid me, I won’t actually be here. Now I don’t have to come bug you at your place, Mom’s taking Kayla and me out to get ingredients. We’re gonna cook up a few dinners for Freya so she can heat them up when she’s ready. I can’t imagine she feels like cooking right now.”

A familiar rush of warmth filled me. He wanted to bring Freya something practical and useful, not flowers that would wither up and die. Also, Jesse understanding I wasn’t ready to see him made the answer so much easier. Everyone else wanted to talk. Everyone except me. I wanted to stop the world, make the spinning stop so I could find my feet again.

“I’ll come get the journal.”

Chapter 11 – That Girl Really Loved To Write

In between picking up Taylor’s journal and heading to my favourite thinking spot, Jude called me and said he and Richard were done at Will’s parents’ house and they’d be on their way back after a quick bite to eat.

I had roughly two hours to untangle the mess in my mind, and decide if I wanted to read Taylor’s journal.

Two hours wouldn’t be enough to figure everything out but I had to start somewhere.

After parking the car, I strolled towards the beach, holding the journal close to my chest. The breeze blew my hair as I stepped onto the soft sand, no real destination in mind. I just needed to be close to the water. I needed my thoughts to be as free as the waves, rolling and crashing until they rushed in to meet the sand, bubbling gently before drifting away, less turbulent, a lot more calm.

I walked until I reached Genie’s and a knot formed inside me at the sight of the familiar building. That was the last place I saw Will.

I had to live with knowing the last thing I ever said to him was ‘Go to hell’. Tears spilled down my cheeks because maybe he didn’t know how much I cared about him. Maybe he took my words to heart and died thinking I hated him. The thought made my insides scream in pain. I wanted to hit the rewind button on life and change almost everything I’d said and done in the last few weeks.

Genie’s, the place that once promised fun and the creation of great memories, had turned into a place that made me sick to look at. The same wooden tables sat out front, still as welcoming as always. The sign above the door, purposely tilted at a slight angle, didn’t pull me in this time. I kept walking, head down, as far as the next café where I ordered a coffee and slunk away to the corner away from the few people having afternoon drinks.

I placed Taylor’s journal on the table and let out a sigh. The front cover had bright coloured cats all over. If I’d kept a journal I’d probably have had something similar – fun and slightly juvenile. Not the kind of book I’d have expected Taylor to own. Too jazzy and cute to hold the thoughts of a monster.

My hand hovered over the cover for a second then turned over to see the first page. Taylor’s handwriting, girly and curly, met my eyes. Too innocent for someone who did the things she did.

I didn’t read right away. I picked up the book with both hands and flipped through the pages. Now and again, I’d spot my name, or Jesse’s name. I didn’t want to know what she wrote about me. Not that I couldn’t guess.

When I saw Radleigh’s name, I finally halted my frantic flipping and paused to read:

I don’t get it. Radleigh could literally have any woman he wants so why is he chasing that English girl around? She’s not so special. She’s got a cute figure and a pretty face, but so what? Loads of girls have. Nothing makes her any better than me, or any other girl who wants him. And she’s obviously an idiot. She knocks him back over and over – she has to be missing a few brain cells. I would treat him so much better, hell I would sell my own mother to get in his pants.

I flipped a few more pages:

How could he turn me down???? I mean, seriously??? What’s wrong with him?! No guy ever turns me down. Ever. And he said I acted desperate!! Me! I am not desperate, I’m mad. Radleigh McCoy is a dick.