Sidelined (Game On 3)

“How did things go with Will’s parents?”

“Not great. Will’s mom blames herself. She says if it weren’t for her surgery, Will wouldn’t have been out in the storm. She’s inconsolable, and scared to talk to Freya in case she blames her, too.”

“Freya would never blame her. She loves Will’s mom.”

“I know. Richard did his best to talk to her, and to Will’s dad, but… they’ve just lost their son. Richard was a mess on the way home. He wanted to go back to Freya’s but I made him promise to go right home after he dropped me off. I’d like to go see her soon, though.”

I nodded. “Me too.”

“You wanna walk?”

“Sure.”

When Jude’s fingers closed around mine, the warmth made my fingers tingle. That’s more like it. We began a slow walk in the direction of Freya’s apartment, and I quickly gathered up the tiny pieces of my fragmented mind I’d slotted together, checking they were in place for real so I didn’t mess up my words.

“While you were gone today, Jesse called me,” I began. “Will wasn’t the only person not to survive the storm.”

Jude stopped me, panic in his eyes. “What happened? Was it someone in his family?”

“No. Taylor. Taylor died last night.”

Jude reached out for me, like he needed to steady himself and I held onto him until he’d regained his balance. Our reactions to the news were pretty much identical. I had a sneaking suspicion he felt the way I did at first, too. Shock, relief. Guilt for feeling relieved.

“Taylor? Taylor’s dead?”

“Yeah. She was at the end of Jesse’s road. I have no idea why, I guess she was stalking again.”

“Huh. Well at least she died doing something she loved.”

My mouth dropped open for a second and Jude clasped his hand over his own mouth. “I can’t believe I said that.” His words came out distorted since he spoke through his fingers, surprised by the words he’d said.

“Me either.”

A laugh, a totally inappropriate laugh, burst out of me so hard my shoulders shook. Taylor’s death wasn’t funny at all. Jude’s comment was so out-of-character-insensitive, I couldn’t stop the giggles. After a second Jude laughed too and we didn’t try to move or speak until we’d stopped. I couldn’t recall the last time we’d done this. Laughed together to the point of tears. We used to do it a lot. When I got to know him first as a friend, and for most of our marriage, there were always silly things that had us cracking up.

I needed that bad. If only for a moment it felt so good to release some tension.

I wanted to tell him the rest. How confused I’d been and why I acted the way I did. After the laughter, I didn’t want to break the mood yet. Our serious talk could wait a little longer.

When we were done laughing and we’d put our serious faces back on, Jude took my hands again.

“Come on, honey. Let’s go take care of Freya.”

Nothing much had changed at Freya’s which was weird because for me, everything seemed different. I’d begun to re-connect with Jude, and most importantly, with myself. With what I had. None of those things took away from my grief over Will, but the bubble I’d been living in had burst. I didn’t feel like a stranger in my own life anymore. In some ways it might have been welcome to stay in my zombie-like state. There’s no pain when you’re so distant. But you also don’t feel love. That was the one emotion surrounding all of us at Freya’s apartment. It bonded us. Freya’s family and friends came together because they loved her, and they loved Will. As people drifted in and out, offering a kind word and even more flowers, we cast understanding, grateful glances at each other. I had no idea if Freya was aware of how many people had passed through her apartment. She thanked them, forced smiles, and put on a much braver front than she had earlier but she wasn’t entirely present and the people who knew her best weren’t fooled by her act. She kept it together but any time she thought nobody was looking, the façade slipped. Her eyes dimmed, her shoulders sagged, and she became the living embodiment of heartbreak. Jude and I stayed for a couple of hours but there was nothing we could do for her. There were too many visitors and she wouldn’t talk with so many around. Before we left I promised I’d be back the next day, and told her to call if she needed me. So lame in light of what she was going through but there wasn’t anything else I could offer. If turning back time to get Will back was an option, I’d have done so in a heartbeat.

Exhaustion crept over me on the drive home, and beside me, Jude tried to stifle his own yawns. I couldn’t wait to get into the house, order a takeout, and snuggle with my man.

Apparently, someone had other plans for me.

As we pulled into our driveway, I spotted Kayla standing by the front door, arms folded, head down. Her bike leaned against the wall beside her.

“Were you expecting Kayla?” Jude asked, as he stopped the car.

“No. Jesse said they were spending the afternoon cooking and then taking some food over to Freya’s.”

Kayla lifted her head and right away a chill ran through me. That wasn’t the face of the girl I’d spent a morning modelling with. Her cheeks were tear-stained and her eyes were dark.

“That is one pissed off teenager.”