Sidelined (Game On 3)

“What did you think it was about?”

Jude shook his head. “Doesn’t matter now.”

“You thought it was your fault.”

“Right. But it’s not. It’s not my fault you want someone else.”

“I don’t! I don’t want anyone else, and I don’t want to be anywhere else. I… I got confused. You stopped listening to me, and Jesse-”

“That’s all it took?” Jude stood up, walking towards the window and pushing his hands through his hair the way he always did when frustrated. “I’ve given you everything you wanted, and because I wouldn’t listen about a damn make-up course, that was enough for you to decide you don’t want me anymore?”

“I never decided I don’t want you, and it’s more than just the make-up course! Jude, I’m twenty-one years old, I’m already married, and I have everything I could ever need. I’m lucky. I’m so lucky but I’m too young to sit back and spend my life waiting for you to come home, or waiting for my friends to finish work. This house is spotless. There isn’t even anything I can do in here. Everything has been taken care of. I don’t want to keep on living day to day watching the clock. I want to do something I love, like you do. Everyone around me has these amazing jobs, and they have things to talk about. What do I have, huh? I can tell them I cooked a meal for you, or I spent the day on Rodeo Drive but those things don’t lead to a conversation.”

A stabbing pain radiated through my stomach because of the way I sounded. Every reason I’d wanted to avoid this conversation weighed down on my already heavy heart. I wasn’t ungrateful for anything I had, yet I still sounded like a whiny child who couldn’t get the one toy in the store I wanted. But I’d have swapped every designer label I owned and lived in rags for a chance to try something for myself.

Jude slowly turned to me and the stabbing inside me sharpened, thrust deeper. Tears scorched the backs of my eyes when he fixed his gaze on me. “Do you regret marrying me?”

I wrapped my arms around my stomach again, trying to hold myself together and keep the ache under control. If I turned away, I may as well have packed my bags and walked out on him. I had to stay focused. Had to make him understand.

“Jude.” His name caught in my throat and I swallowed hard to push away the sobs threatening to escape me. “I love you. I love you so much. I don’t regret a single second of the time we’ve been together. Well, I regret some of the last few weeks, but marrying you? I’d do that all over again every day if I could. “

His shoulders loosened a little but words were nowhere near enough to make up for my stupid, stupid mistake.

And it was a mistake. I knew as soon as it happened. No. Before. My feelings for Jesse were real, but they were more about what I wanted in the life I already had, not a desire to throw everything away and start again.

Ha. If my life were a Facebook status, it would read: That moment when you realise everything you always wanted, you already have.

“I can’t shrug this off, Bree. I won’t pretend it doesn’t matter that you tried to kiss Jesse. But I can’t blame you for everything. I had a part to play in this, too. I’ve been a… what’s that word Leah uses to describe Radleigh when he pisses her off?”

“Pillock?” I choked out a laugh, not expecting even a second of lightheartedness when he hurt so much.

“Right. I’ve been a pillock. I shouldn’t have made such a big deal out of the make-up thing. You weren’t asking for anything crazy or reckless. You told me what you wanted to do and I shut you down. It’s not because I don’t think you’ve got it in you. I live with you, Bree. I know what you can do with some lipstick and an eyelash curler. Also, I’m a guy. I shouldn’t even know what the hell an eyelash curler is. I do listen to you.”

“I know you do.”

“I got scared. I always knew it was a risk when I married you that at some point, you might wonder why you settled for me.”

“Jude-”

“You deserve to have everything you want but when you said you wanted to do the course, I thought it might lead to you realising what you could have if you weren’t tied down with me. I was being selfish because I didn’t want to lose you but I just made you run faster. I wanted to tell

you this last night. When you said you wanted to sleep somewhere else, I thought I was too late. I thought I’d already lost you.”

I took a couple steps towards him, needing to be closer, a lot closer. I wanted to wind myself around him and hold him until he didn’t hurt anymore. I didn’t deserve for him to hold me back. Not when I was the one who did this to him.

“You haven’t lost me. I’m here. I want to stay. If you want me to.”

The pause before he spoke again crippled me. My legs turned to jello and I held my breath while I waited. Waited to hear if I’d ruined our marriage.

“Last night I didn’t know what would happen with us. I didn’t know if you wanted to be here, and I didn’t know how to stop being scared of losing you. Then today, when I heard about Will, everything I’d worried about seemed insignificant. Freya lost the one person she loved and there was nothing she could do to stop it. I realised if you wanted to leave, you’d leave, and me stopping you from going on the make-up course wouldn’t make any difference. You could realise at any point you want something else. I just didn’t expect Jesse would be the thing you wanted.”

“I wanted what he represented. He has this incredible, warm family, and his parents live in a cute house that’s the perfect size. When you weren’t listening to me, Jesse was. I love your family but I’ve never felt like I could call your mom and go out to lunch with her, or talk to her if I had a problem. And this house. It’s so beautiful. But when I’m here alone, it’s too big. Too empty. You know I spent so much of my life living in cramped bedrooms, and sometimes out on the street. I don’t need much in the way of material things. It’s not that I want more. I sort of want… less. Whatever I was thinking about Jesse wasn’t because I fell in love with him. I just really liked being around someone who understood what I was trying to say. I handled it all wrong.”

I had no idea if what I’d said made things better or worse. Or if it made any sense. I was sure I’d missed something out but I’ve never been good at putting the right words in the right order during important conversations. Words got lost, mixed up. I couldn’t afford to mess up with my marriage on the line, but more than that, I couldn’t say anything other than what I felt. My heart squeezed hard inside my chest, causing a real, physical pain at the idea Jude might not appreciate my honesty. Might think I was trying to find a way to tell him we were through.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the kind of family you need.”

My legs weakened a little more and I stumbled towards him, planting my hands on his chest, desperate for him to understand. “You did. You do. I’m so sorry about what happened with Jesse, but I know what I want now.”