Sidelined (Game On 3)

They took their seats, and as the priest stepped forward, everything blurred in front of me again. This time it wasn’t my memory taking me backwards. Tears had clouded my vision.

Words drifted in and out of my consciousness. I heard every word the priest spoke and yet I didn’t remember any of them. My gaze moved back and forth. Casket. Freya. Jude. Casket. Freya. Jude. It wasn’t until Richard stood up to deliver his eulogy that I dragged myself out of my fog and put my focus on him.

The atmosphere inside the church shifted; people shuffled in their seats ready to hear what Richard had to say. Richard held his notes in shaky hands and cleared his throat, casting a nervous look at the faces staring back at him.

“When Freya asked me to deliver a eulogy, I only had one thought. How would I fit everything important about Will into one short speech? You see, Will was sort of low key to the people who didn’t know him well. The guy who did his job without complaint, and always with one hundred percent dedication. But that was just one side of him. Those who knew him best will tell you he was serious, but always knew when to lighten up. They’ll tell you there was nothing he wouldn’t do for his family and friends. They’ll tell you he was never happier than when he was with Freya. That’s what I’d like to focus on today.

“When someone is taken from us, they always leave behind a legacy. It didn’t take too long for me to realise what Will’s legacy is. It’s happiness. It’s going after what you want with everything you have and holding on tight. The longest running joke in the Warriors’ locker room was how long it would be before Will and Freya would get together.” A small ripple of laughter echoed around the church at the truth of that statement. “We all knew it would happen, but Will liked to weigh everything up, make sure he got it right. In the end, he threw that plan away and blurted his feelings out in a hotel room in London.” Again, another laugh. Beside me, Leah smiled through her tears. It was partly down to her persistence that Will made his move. “The amount of time Will took to make his dream come true isn’t important. What I’ll always remember him for is his courage to take a leap of faith, his commitment to loving Freya, and how happy he was every time he talked about his family. Will knew what mattered. He cherished the people he loved.” Richard paused and turned towards Will’s casket. He drew in a ragged breath and brushed a tear from his eye. “Will Carter, we will miss you every day, and I promise I will do all I can to take care of the people you left behind.” Richard turned back to tearful faces of the congregation, his hands shaking harder than ever as he fought to get through the last of his eulogy. “When you leave the church today, and any time things start to get rough, remember Will. Remember him and focus on the little things that make you happy. When you lose faith, think of him and remember that if you don’t take a chance, you’ll never know what you could have had. Most of all, love hard and never hold back. Keep Will’s legacy close to your hearts, and he’ll never really be gone.”

Giving a small nod of thanks, Richard picked up his notes and slowly walked back to his seat, tears falling down his cheeks.

As we gathered around the graveside a short time later, Richard’s words replayed in my mind. Love hard and never hold back. I’d held back from Jude. I hadn’t explained how I felt, and that was how I got myself into such a mess. I consoled myself with the knowledge I’d never stopped loving him, but I could have loved harder. I could have told him more. I could have shown him more.

With just Will’s closest family and friends around the hole in the ground where Will would finally be laid to rest, my mind began to flicker in and out of reality again. I’d hung in there this long, just a little more and it would be over. But with less people around there was less to take note of. My eyes took up the now familiar pattern, with one new addition. Casket, Freya, Jude, hole.

The priest was talking again but I couldn’t listen. I concentrated on the feeling of Jude’s arms around me, holding me against him. Prayers were said, people sobbed and sniffled around me. My own tears continued to rain down my face.

Then, an almighty scream.

Pulled out of my grief-stricken trance, I saw Freya slump over Will’s casket, her hands on the top as if hugging it.

The priest had stopped talking. It was time for Will to go, but Freya’s scream sliced through the air, sending fear, panic and coldness to every part of me.

“No! Please, I can’t, I’m not ready!”

Will’s dad and Freya’s mom rushed over to her, trying to gently prise her away from the casket but she wouldn’t budge.

“Please don’t leave me!” she sobbed. “Please, come back! I need you, you have to come back!”

“Freya,” her mom said, stroking her hair while fighting her own tears. “You have to come away now.”

“No! I can’t leave him, I can’t! Just a little bit longer! Mom, please. Just a little bit longer.”

Out of respect for Freya, and possibly the heartbreak at seeing her like that, almost everyone slowly moved away from the graveside. Both Leah and I began to make a run towards Freya, but Jude and Radleigh held us back.

“Let her be,” Jude whispered. My heart was pounding with the need to go to her, and sobs wracked my body. I needed to hold onto her and let her know I was there. She had to know she wasn’t alone. “Bree. There’s nothing you can do right now.”

Radleigh whispered similar things to Leah, who continued to try to pull away from him but he held firm. He lifted her off the ground, making sure to hold her as close to him as possible while her pain poured out of her. He was still whispering gently in her ear as he carried her away, but all she could do was turn her head, trying to keep watch on Freya who clung to the casket.

In all my life, I’d never hurt so much for another person. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin to make it stop, and yet I’d still have taken on Freya’s pain too, just so she wouldn’t have to feel it. That was my girl. My best friend who was always so quiet, unassuming and calm, screaming because the man she loved was gone.

I let Jude lead me away towards the car because he was right. There was nothing I could do for her. She needed that moment to let the grief take her over in a way she had refused to allow before. She had to cry, and beg, and wish for a miracle she knew in her heart could never happen.

“Jude.” My legs quivered beneath me as we walked. “I have to… I-”

“Ssh. Just take a deep breath.”

“No.” I stopped him then threw my arms around him, hugging him hard enough to break his ribs. I didn’t need to say any more. His body sagged against mine and I knew he understood.

I never wanted to be in Freya’s position but if I ever was, I needed Jude too know how much I loved him. Right there, in the middle of the cemetery, he had to know.

“It’s okay, honey,” he said, gently winding my hair around his fingers. “It’s okay.”

Chapter 14 – I’ll Remember The Daisies

After the funeral, everyone headed to the Warriors’ training ground for the wake. Freya’s apartment was too small for so

many people to fit into, and Will’s parents’ house was a little out of the way, so the training ground was the most obvious next choice. There was plenty of space in the restaurant, and staff on hand to provide food.