Bree smiled at the sound of my voice. “This is the place, isn’t it?” she said. “Where you go when something happens and you need to clear your thoughts.”
“Yup.” I pulled my shoes off and let my toes sink into the sand. Beside me, I saw Bree had done the same thing. “How are you doing?”
She opened her mouth to speak then closed it again. After a moment, she sighed. “I don’t know. For a while I think I’m okay, but then, out of nowhere, I’m not.”
“It’s only been a week, babe. Nobody is expecting you to be okay this fast.”
“I expect it of myself. I’ve been through worse, right?”
I shrugged. “Depends how you look at it, I guess. You’ve suffered other losses before, but this one? This one was growing inside you. You can’t really say it wasn’t worse than the others. Just different.”
“But the baby. It was so tiny. Not even fully formed yet.”
“Still a part of you, though.”
My heart clenched inside my chest as I remembered, almost ten years ago, I’d had a similar conversation with myself as I tried to justify having an abortion. There was no justification for it, really. Not for me. I messed up and didn’t want to deal with the consequences. I told myself the things Bree was telling herself. It’s a baby, but it’s hardly formed yet. I had to pretend I didn’t feel anything for the life inside me because I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to want it. I was too young and too selfish. That didn’t stop it ripping out my heart when I went through with the abortion, though. Didn’t stop me hating myself, or hating the guy who got me pregnant for not loving me as much as I loved him. He didn’t love me at all. And I realised I didn’t love myself a whole lot, either. Got to the point where I hated looking in the mirror because I didn’t like the person looking back at me. I wanted to be someone else, somewhere else.
What had really changed between now and then, though? I’d grown up, and I had no problem looking myself in the eye, but that scared kid who didn’t know her future still very much existed inside me. And she was still waiting on the man she loved, not knowing if he loved her back just as much.
“What brings you out here?” Bree asked. “And where’s Jessica?”
“She’s staying with Radleigh tonight. And I’m out here for the same reasons as you. Trying to clear my head. Trying to figure out why things have gone so wrong.”
Bree straightened her legs out in front of her and put her arm around my shoulders. My head rested against hers, and she said, “This year sucks. I started off thinking it would be awesome. Everything seemed to be going well for all of us and then, out of nowhere, crazy happened.”
“Maybe it’s just our turn. Last year it was Freya’s. Nobody has it easy all the time.”
“Seems unfair. We’re doing all we can to create good lives for ourselves, but you never know when something will come along to take it away.”
“I think the key is to keep looking forward. Get through the rough stuff and stay focused on where you’re going.”
“Where are you going?” she asked, raising her head to look at me.
Blowing out a breath, I said, “Match.com?”
For the first time in what seemed like years, Bree laughed out loud, and I chuckled too. “Leah, come on. Radleigh isn’t stupid.”
“Yes he is. When it comes to her, he’s stupid.” After taking another breath, I told Bree everything that had just occurred at Mitch and Deanna’s. W
hen I told her about my dress, she gasped and held my hand tightly.
“Leah, she is the devil. Who the hell does that kind of thing? And why? God, if she wants to stop you marrying Radleigh, there are better ways than wrecking your wedding dress.” She paused and sighed. “I know the one you chose was perfect for you. Totally perfect, actually. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be another that’s equally as perfect. You can get over that. And she’s dumber than she looks if she thinks that’ll be enough to make you call off the wedding.”
“You know what scared me? Radleigh didn’t yell at her. He said nothing about it. Like it didn’t matter that she’d encouraged her kid to do what he did. To ruin my wedding dress. The dress I was supposed to wear to marry him.”
Another surge of anger rippled through me at his apparent lack of care for what had happened. In that moment, I’d barely recognised him. And not only did I not recognise him, he was reluctant to let me. Even when he finally let his eyes meet mine, the barriers were up. He heard me. He understood. But he wouldn’t let me reach him.
She squeezed my hand. “I don’t know what’s going on with him, but you’re right. This doesn’t sound like him. He’d usually rip the head off anyone who hurt you. I think you two need to reconnect. You’ve had your time apart. Now maybe it’s time to find your way back to each other.”
Chapter Two – Radleigh McCoy’s Girl
I thought a lot about what Bree said that night. And while she was right, I also believed Radleigh still wasn’t done thinking. I’d told him what I wanted. Where I stood. It was still on him to tell me what he wanted. Whether he wanted to come home to me.
I didn’t hear anything from him all night or the following day. When I picked Jessica up, Deanna was still seething, and as much as I loved her, I didn’t want to be around that much anger. I stayed for the duration of a cup of coffee, but then I made an excuse to leave and went home. I did make plans to go out with her the next day, though. She wanted my opinion on an outfit for a wedding she was going to – not mine – though really, I thought she just wanted to keep my mind off what had happened the day before.
I spent another day at home with Jessica, once again enjoying the peace. I got a text from Bryce at lunchtime, and he invited himself over for dinner again. His message made me laugh because, just like Deanna, he wanted to keep me busy, and he knew cooking was a good way for me to stay occupied. I decided to make creamy lemon chicken with pasta, and Bryce arrived while the chicken was cooking. I’d been in the living room with Jessica, trying to encourage her to take her first steps. She’d been edging her way around the furniture for a while, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before she let go and started to walk unaided, but she hadn’t quite found her confidence yet.
“Has she still not done it yet?” Bryce asked, laughing, as I stood behind her, her little hands gripping onto my fingers.