“Things are different.”
Following my gaze, he pulled away and stuffed his hands into his jeans pockets like a moody teenager. Thirty-one years old, and he’d morphed into a fourteen-year-old again. I wanted to pull his hand back, to be wrapped in his arms, or to run my fingers across his cheek the way I did in the club.
Without a coherent thought in my brain, I placed my hand on his face, then pressed my lips against his. Drew froze long enough to make my heart still, before his arms snaked around me. His mouth moved against mine slowly, like he wanted to savour every second.
Has he wanted this as long as I have?
The question had barely formed before he shoved me backwards away from his warmth.
“What the hell are you doing?” He stared at me as if I’d committed the worst crime ever.
A little shaken from being launched halfway down my hallway in his desperation to get me away from him, all I could do was blindly shake my head.
“I… I didn’t mean to-”
“You didn’t mean to kiss me? Then what was that? Your way of trying to make me feel better?”
“No! I-”
“If you’d listened to anything I said tonight, you wouldn’t have done that.” Drew kept his voice low. “I’m used to being second best, and I know I’ve always been second best with you, too. But you’ve never made me feel that way more than you have tonight.”
My heart began a slow descent to my stomach. His accusation that I’d fuelled Jason’s drug habit was a low blow, but it didn’t cause half as much pain as realising I’d hurt Drew. My insides withered under his gaze, making me ache in places I didn’t know I had inside me. I couldn’t stand it, the intensity in his eyes.
He took a step towards the door, his head lowered, and his slight movement scared me. I had to say something to make him stay, because if he left before I figured out what I wanted to tell him, the moment would pass and we’d both be too awkward to ever bring it up again.
Can’t make this worse, Ellie. Whatever happens, things will never be the same.
I couldn’t afford to stumble over my explanation. If I threw out words that weren’t completely honest, I’d only hurt him more.
The kiss wasn’t about wanting to make him feel better. It was about how he always protected me. How I felt his pain as if it was my own. How we both darted out of the club as soon as the coast was clear to go back to the hotel and watch a movie together.
It was about the man I’d grown up with, not the man who’d never grown up.
Still, the words wouldn’t come out.
“I need to go home,” Drew said. “We shouldn’t leave things this way, but I don’t know what else to do.”
“Drew, wait.”
“I can’t, Ellie.” He raised his head to look at me. “I can’t.”
This time, I knew I couldn’t stop him, so when he opened the door I let him go. He didn’t look back.
I spent the rest of the evening curled up on my window seat, looking out over St. Ives Bay. In the dark of winter, the town was beautiful with the lights from the houses below, and the moonlight shining on the sea. I reached for my phone to call Drew at least ten times, but I didn’t have a clue what to say. No matter how I rearranged the words in my head, I couldn’t find the combination that would make him understand why I kissed him. I knew how his mind worked. He wouldn’t believe me unless I gave him a specific date – rounded to the nearest hour – when I stopped having feelings for Jason, plus an exact breakdown of my thought process before my lips touched his. I didn’t have that kind of explanation in me; that’s not how it works.
But it’s exactly how Drew works.
He was supremely obsessive about things that meant a lot to him. If he couldn’t analyse and pick the situation apart until it made sense, it wasn’t worth the risk. He’d lived his whole life that way. After his mum died, for a while he was the only one who could take care of Jason. Their dad did the best he could, but the loss of his wife crippled him. At twelve years old, Drew became responsible for more than any child should ever be, and learning how to weigh up consequences so young was something he’d never been able to shake. Instead of loosening up, the need to be in control, to protect himself and the people he loved had only got stronger.
Unfortunately, understanding him didn’t make this any easier.
A knock at the door threw me out of my thoughts, and I glanced at the clock. A little past eleven. It had to be Drew. Nobody else would drop by so late. I untucked my legs from beneath me and ran to let him in.
When I opened the door, Drew made no move to come inside. He stood in the hall, hands in pockets, looking as confused as when he left. His hair was a dishevelled mess, and he was rocking his all-too-familiar furrowed brow.
But he’s here. Maybe I didn’t mess everything up. Relief mixed with a new wave of panic because this time… this time I had to find the words.
“Have you been out here all night?”