Nobody Knows (Razes Hell 1)

“It was a hug, Drew. You’ve seen us hugging a million times.”

And I felt more in the five seconds I touched your cheek than I did in the few minutes I was with Jason.

“Yeah. Well, now it bothers me.” He wearily rubbed his hand across his forehead, turning away. “I didn’t want to get into this with you, Ells. It’s too complicated.”

“What is?”

“This. You. Me. I can’t handle it.”

“Why not?”

He spun around to face me. “Aren’t you afraid of what might happen?”

His shoulders were tense and I ached to go to him and ease it away. I got why he was so scared but he hadn’t given me anything to hold on to. Nothing to tell me exactly how he felt when I kissed him, or what he’d been thinking, or why he came back.

“I’m more afraid of what will happen if we don’t talk about this.”

“I don’t know where to start. I don’t remember when I started to…” he paused, suddenly twitchier than Jason used to get after a hit. He pulled at his sleeves, and I hated that he was so uncomfortable, but I wouldn’t let him sidestep the conversation. He forced me to talk, now it was his turn.

He sighed. “I’m not good at this.”

“Can you try? Please?”

Drew turned to me, his gaze softening. “I’ve wanted you to look at me the way you looked at Jason for so long. Now you are, and I don’t know if I can act on it.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to be second best, Ells. Not with you.”

I stared into his eyes, willing him to understand. Willing him to push aside his fears. When I was sure the truth was seeping into his brain, I stood up and reached for his hand, but pulled back, afraid of moving too fast, of messing things up before they started.

A thundering beat pounded in my chest, and Drew stepped forward, gently resting his hand on my cheek. With his other hand, he pulled me to him, closing the gap between us. The simple gesture of him stroking my cheek shouldn’t have affected me so much, but it sent a shiver through me, and when his lips met mine and he buried his hand in my hair, everything around me disappeared.

God, his kiss was intense. Soft and slow, but every brush of his lips told me how much he wanted this, maybe for even longer than I had. My arms circled around his waist and it took every ounce of strength I had not to whimper. For a big guy, his touch was so gentle. His fingers moved in little circles across my lower back, the way they had when we danced, shooting sparks up and down my spine.

When I woke up, I could smell Drew on me. On the clothes I’d fallen asleep in. He didn’t stay. He’d covered me with a blanket, and left me a note with three simple words.

See you tonight x

Those words set my head spinning. My insides swirled with nerves, which was ridiculous considering I’d known him forever and never been nervous around him before. But this was different. We were about to have our first official date. Granted, it was going to be at my flat because we were nowhere near ready to go public with our relationship yet, but it was still a big deal. Drew said if we couldn’t go out, he would bring a romantic restaurant experience to me. Well, he never said “romantic”. Romance is kind of implied on a first date, though, right?

We’d spent a lot of time talking the night before, wrapped up in each other. His arms circled around me; me leaning back against his chest, occasionally tilting my head for more kisses. There was a long way to go before the ghost of Jason was chased away forever, I understood that. One magical evening wouldn’t fix Drew’s insecurities. It wasn’t a guarantee of a happy ever after. It was a beginning. A promise to find our way through the mess together.

There’s a belief an artist can make beautiful creations out of anything. I was the definite exception to the rule. I thought I had some cloth napkins tucked away somewhere, but all I found in my cupboard was leftover paper Christmas napkins, frosty blue with cartoon elves on them. Not ideal for a romantic dinner, but they’d have to do. After spending more than an hour on the internet, trying to work out how to fold them into swans so the Christmas patterns wouldn’t be as obvious, I gave up and folded the squares in half to make triangles.

Uber creative.

I was a little behind schedule since I’d spent the afternoon perfecting and submitting my bunny to the publisher, and then faffing around with the napkins, so I showered quickly, and slipped into my sexiest underwear. There was no chance of Drew seeing my underwear yet – probably – but every girl feels more confident wearing her finest lingerie. I needed any extra confidence I could muster because nerves had taken hold of me in a big way.

I’d imagined a first date with Drew on the rare occasions I opened the Stop Thinking About Him compartment of my brain. I imagined I would feel excited, but I hadn’t counted on nerves rattling around me too. The night before, we’d crossed the friendship line. We were about to take another leap, and what if he changed his mind? What if Drew decided he was wrong, and couldn’t take such a huge gamble on us?

I rooted through my wardrobe until I found the item I was looking for; my black, knee length dress with full skirt that flared out at the hips. Perfect. The straps of the dress resembled belts with buckles, and although I deemed it the trendiest item of clothing in my wardrobe, I’d never worn it before. Once I was dressed, I set to work curling my hair, and added a little make-up.

When Drew arrived, the candles were lit, the lights were low, mood music played in the background, and my stomach turned over in a way it hadn’t done in years.

Butterflies because of my best friend. So. Weird.

I opened the door and greeted Drew with a smile that may have looked fake. Damn nerves.