Help me.
I nodded, tears filling my eyes as I sent up a silent prayer I was doing the right thing. “Okay. Okay.”
Relief made him fling his arms around me. I shrugged him off and went to the bathroom, unwrapping Jason’s stash and shaking it off the cling film and into the toilet. When every speck had gone, I stuffed the wrapper inside an empty shampoo bottle in the bin and went to the sink to wash my hands. The hot water burned my skin as I scrubbed all traces of the drugs away. Therapeutic. If only soap could wash away guilt.
You could tell him. Tell Drew, and the guilt will be gone.
My heart lurched as I thought of him because the situation wasn’t that straightforward. Revealing the truth would only intensify the old resentment, put the band under strain they didn’t need, and for what? A one-off. I’d known Jason long enough to spot a lie, and everything he said was true. I felt it.
“Jesus, Ellie, stop!”
Jason grabbed my waist, pulling me out of my thoughts and away from the sink, hands bright red from the violent scrubbing I’d subjected them to. I stared down at them, realising tears were streaming from my eyes.
“Here.” He took a towel from the rail, and gently dabbed my raw digits so as not to hurt them more.
There he is.
The Jason from the old days, who would rather throw himself in front of a bus than risk causing me pain. I didn’t see this guy often anymore. Our friendship was solid enough to survive the changes he went through, but he could never go back to who he used to be. Too much had happened. These little glimpses of my first ever best friend reminded me he still lived, deep inside the man who stood with me now.
“What can I do to make this okay?”
“You could tell Drew, and not make me do this. You could not put me in the position where I have to lie to him.”
“Ellie-”
“I know. I know why you can’t. But I don’t… I don’t want to be-”
“If I could do today again, I would. I don’t want you in this position either. I’ll do anything else for you, but I can’t tell him.”
I had to try. It didn’t lessen my guilt any, and I knew what Jason’s answer would be before I asked the question. The worst part was, I understood why he didn’t want Drew to find out. It would tear them apart, rip another hole in their already damaged relationship. I couldn’t see any other way to protect both of them besides keeping Jason’s secret.
Even if it killed me to do it.
“All I need from you is a promise you’ll never touch cocaine again. Not even if someone tries to force you.”
He stopped drying my hands, and his fingers closed around mine. “I can do that.”
He meant it. Maybe more than anything he’d ever said in his life. I only hoped it would be as easy to resist the temptation the next time someone presented him with a quick fix, because there would be a next time. That much I was sure of.
Jason wrapped his arms around me again, and I hugged him back.
“I’m sorry. For the way I acted last night. And for... for bringing up the stuff from the past.”
Right. The stuff none of us ever spoke about.
“Why did you?”
“Because I am a narcissistic prick,” Jason said, and I let out a small laugh. “This thing with you and Drew has nothing to do with me, or us, or anything that happened when we were younger. It’s just... I always thought of you as mine. My Ellie. The girl who never gave up on me when you had so many reasons to walk away and never come back. You being with Drew scared me because I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want the way he thinks of me to affect the way you think of me.” I pulled back from him a little, and he continued, “I’m not blind. I’ve seen how he’s been around me the last few weeks. I know what this feud is doing to him. To both of us.”
“Why didn’t you say so? Why didn’t you talk to him?”
“Because… you know how he is. He’ll only hear when he’s ready.”
True story.
I should have given Jason more credit. It wasn’t fair of me to assume he didn’t notice the problems because he never complained. The small part of me that held onto the pain Jason caused allowed me to believe he was selfish and oblivious. When it came to Drew, I should have expected more from him.
“He’s my brother, Ellie. I love him, but he’s not the only one who’s still angry.”