Jason, Mack and Joey were picking up their belongings ready to head home. They stopped as we entered, and I said, “Mack, Joey, could you give us a few minutes, please?”
The guys nodded, picking up their bags as Drew dropped ours back on the floor. Once they left, I took a deep breath. “We need to talk.”
Drew and Jason refused to look at each other; I stood between them, heart racing. My body felt heavy, as if I’d emerged from a nightmare, only to find it was my reality. If the worst thing to happen that morning was me finding myself splashed all over the tabloids, I would have coped. But it was never just about me. It was about Drew and Jason too, and how our lives all tangled together like my grandma’s bag of knitting yarn. She used to dump it out on the floor, prod around with the threads, then give up, deciding it was all too difficult before throwing it back in the bag. That’s how we were. Strands, knotted together. Occasionally, one of us would tug in the hopes it would all unravel, but mostly, we stayed the same. Sometimes the knots got tighter. But the end result was always us stuffing it away so we didn’t have to deal.
“This has to stop. It hurts me to watch you slowly destroying yourselves. Neither of you want to make the first move in sorting this out so I’m doing it for you. Whatever you want to say to each other, say it. Now. Start talking so you can fix this.”
Jason shook his head, leaning back against the wall, and Drew sat down on the bed with a look of defiance on his face, letting me know he had no intention of speaking first.
Jason wasn’t kidding when he said Drew would only hear when he was ready.
“You can’t fix us, Ellie,” Jason said. “If you thought it would be easy, you’d have done this before now.”
He was right. This was never going to be a one conversation thing. Plus, it wasn’t my place to heal their rift, only to be there for them both while they worked it out for themselves. Unfortunately, it had become increasingly clear they were incapable, or unwilling, to do that.
“Please. Can’t you try? You haven’t spoken to each other without arguing since yesterday.”
“We wouldn’t have argued if Jason hadn’t fucked everything up.”
Jason’s shoulders slumped, his hair hung limply around his shoulders. “Yeah, we just had this fight. I fuck things up, and he comes along and clears up all my mess. I know the story. I’ve been hearing it most of my life. I’m an ungrateful tosser who doesn’t appreciate him.”
As a friend, you are useless.
How could I have not seen Jason was in as much pain as Drew? He bounced back from everything without complaining but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel anything. Sometime between him finding out about me and Drew, and our earlier conversation, a door had been opened. A door which, in some ways, had been bolted tighter than Drew’s.
“Is that what you think this is about?” Drew demand
ed. “You think I give a shit that you don’t appreciate me? You never have, I don’t expect you to start now.”
Jason’s head snapped up. “Why don’t you tell me what it is about? Maybe then you can stop using Ellie as a way to prove how much better you are than me.”
My heart stopped, and Drew flew to his feet, grabbing Jason’s shirt and shoving him hard against the wall. “You can say whatever you want about me, but don’t ever suggest my feelings for Ellie aren’t real.”
I’d seen Drew angry a lot of times, but I’d never seen him move so fast, or lay a finger on anyone. It wasn’t a side of him I wanted to see again.
With shaking hands, I tried to pull him away but his grip stayed firm. “Drew, stop.”
“Did you hear what he said?”
“I heard him, but it’s not... I don’t think he-”
“I think what Ellie’s trying to say,” Jason interrupted, pushing Drew off, “is that I wasn’t saying your feelings aren’t real. But don’t try and tell me you didn’t get a kick out of rubbing it in my face.”
Oh God. Why won’t he let this drop?
“Jason, you never wanted me that way. Not for anything more serious than a few kisses when we were young and drunk.”
“But you were my best friend.”
“How has that changed?” I asked, looking right into his eyes. Again, we communicated in complete silence and I used our skill to remind him I’d helped him earlier. Slowly, some of the tension left his body. “I get that you’re still here for me, but it’ll be different. And that’s why he’s so fucking smug. He thinks he’s won.”
I couldn’t tell him he was wrong. It was the truth. Not a truth that was as twisted as it sounded though. In Drew’s eyes, being with me might have felt like a win, and not because I was arrogant enough to believe I was a worthy prize. But because, for once, he let himself be vulnerable and it paid off.
“This isn’t about me.”
I stepped away from them, taking Drew’s place on the bed. The tiredness I’d felt earlier washed over me again. This was too damn hard. Too much anger, too much suppressed agony. Too much hate between brothers who used to have nothing but love and respect for each other.
“Ellie’s right.” Jason said. “This is about us.”