Fatal.
This was everything we’d always feared. To have it happen at a time when Jason had been so well otherwise was... it was impossible to take in.
Drew’s face paled, and he collapsed down into one of the chairs, pulling me down with him, onto his lap. He held me tightly, both of us quivering against each other.
“What...how...?” Michael struggled to get his words out, and I reached out for his hand again. “Is he okay now? Is he going to be okay?”
Doctor Vaughan sighed. “It’s hard to tell at this point. He’s stable, and he’s responding well to the treatment. But... with ventricular fibrillation, there can be some complications.”
“What kind of complications?”
“There are several things which we will investigate through tests. There’s also a small risk of brain damage, due to lack of oxygen to the brain. Because Jason was already here at the hospital when it happened and we stopped it quickly, the risks are minimal. But we can’t rule anything out at this stage.”
Hospital. Overdose. Fatal. Complications. Brain damage.
The walls seemed to close in on me again. Every spoken word was loud in my ears, but I couldn’t hear their meaning. Everything distorted, everyone too close. I pushed Drew away and started running. Out. Outside to find air. Each step felt as though it happened in slow motion. The only thing reminding me it was real was the blinding pain shooting through my skull, and the sickness climbing out of my stomach.
The moment I fell through the doors into the cold, my knees gave way, and I sank to the ground, shivering.
It was easier to breathe away from the confines of the stuffy waiting room. Away from the people whose lives I might have contributed to ruining. All it would have taken was one word to Drew, and this would never have happened. Or if I hadn’t pushed Drew and Jason to talk, maybe it wouldn’t have come to this. All logical thoughts about how, if Jason wanted to use, he would have no matter what I said or did floated around my head, but I couldn’t shake the guilt. Earlier, Jason said the dealer practically lined the coke up for him. I didn’t ever expect to feel like I’d done the same thing.
“Ellie.”
Drew’s arms raised me off the ground, then firmly secured me in a hug that threatened to crack my ribs. I didn’t care. I needed it. Needed to feel the comfort, before I told him the truth and maybe ruined everything between us before we’d really got started.
“I’m sorry I ran out.”
His hand burrowed inside my hair. “It’s okay, Ells. We’re going home now.”
“Home?” I asked, pulling away. “But... aren’t we going to stay with your dad?”
Drew shook his head. “He wants to be alone for a while."
“What else did the doctor say?”
“Nothing much. We just have to wait. Jason’s better, but there still aren’t any guarantees he’ll make it through the night.”
“That’s more reason for us to stay! If something happens to him-”
“Ellie, I can’t.” His gaze dropped. “Dad said he’ll call if anything happens but I can’t wait around here. It’s too much.”
I spent the drive home trying to figure out how to tell Drew I knew about Jason craving cocaine. Then trying to talk myself out of it. Should I drop this on him when Jason’s life is hanging in the balance? Drew felt responsible. I wanted to take the burden from him because it wasn’t his to carry. It was mine, at least in part. There was no ‘good’ option. Either way, it would result in more pain for Drew.
And what about Jason? From the minute Drew woke me, I’d stopped thinking about Jason as a person. My brain flicked into some weird preparation mode, readying me in case the worst happened. All normal human emotion disappeared, and while I was still terrified about whether or not he’d make it, I felt disconnected. From him, and from the situation. I knew for sure, if he could, Jason would tell me to keep my mouth shut, but he once had lying down to a fine art. That wasn’t me.
It was after two a.m. when we arrived back at my flat. Instead of a comfort, the silence was eerie. That strange stillness you feel when something big is happening, and you know the world is turning the same as always, but your own has stopped, waiting for the next piece of news.
Drew hadn’t uttered a word since we left the hospital. I didn’t need to ask what he was thinking; it was all there on his exhausted face. I couldn’t recall ever seeing him so afraid, but that wasn’t eve
rything. A glimmer of anger lurked in his eyes, contributing to his guilt. I’d seen it so many times. I’d felt it myself. How could Jason keep doing this to himself, to us? And how could we be mad at him when he was suffering too?
“Thanks, Ellie.”
Drew’s voice startled me.
“What for? I was no help whatsoever. I ran away.”
“You stopped me knocking that nurse’s head off. You kept me calm. You kept Dad calm. You didn’t blame me for this when we both know I had something to do with it.”