Jason smiled. “If the staff realise how hungover you are, they might make a bed up for you!”
“Shut up.” I smacked his arm as I sat up, blinking the moisture from my eyes. “Tell me how you really are, Jason.”
He paused for a second, as if considering whether or not to tell me the truth. “I’ve been better. I should have phoned you the night before I came here but I didn’t ... I wasn’t sure if you wanted to talk to me." He lowered his gaze, and shuffled a little in his seat. “I know we were okay when you left the hospital. I didn’t know if we’d still be okay once you’d had time to think.”
Time to think was all I’d had. Thoughts kept me awake, stilted my concentration for even the smallest tasks, and made me hurt in ways I never knew were possible. I’d never felt anything other than sadness for Jason. Well, aside from the guilt because I hadn’t realised what he’d been going through.
“We’re okay,” I told him. “I’m sorry I didn’t come back to see you, it was just... being back in the hospital was the worst place to be. I didn’t want to fight through the journalists, I didn’t know how much people knew about what I did-”
“Ellie, wait.” Jason held up his hands. “I know you think you did a horrible thing by lying for me-”
“It was horrible. I could have killed you.”
“No, I could have killed me. I was an asshole for asking you to lie for me. I should have let you do what you wanted to do. What you said in the hospital was right. Either way, I was going to end up in rehab. I didn’t know how much I needed to be here until I sat in my old bedroom, lining up the coke in front of me. It was too late for me to stop when I’d got that far. I should have called you to help me but the cocaine took over.” He paused, shaking his head. “I can’t explain it any better.”
We’d been through this so many times. Jason trying to explain why he did what he did, and me trying hard to make sense of his reasons, but failing because I’d never been an addict. There’s only so far understanding can go when you’ve never been in another person’s position. Battling so hard, and stumbling every time because that thing, that hook they needed to keep them going kept calling out, tempting them back.
“I’m scared, Ellie. I’m scared no matter how hard I try, I’m always going to end up here.”
Jason threw his head back, and I covered his hand with mine, gripping tightly as if my hold could save him, drag him back from his fears. “Hey,” I said trying to control my shaky voice. “I don’t want to hear you talk that way. You managed two years clean at a time when you couldn’t get out of bed without using. You’re more determined now. I saw it in your eyes when you were in hospital.”
“Do you see it now?” he asked, the last of his bravado slipping away.
I gave a weak smile as a tear dripped down my cheek. “Yeah. I do. Buried deep, but it’s there.”
“I can’t feel it.”
“You will. As long as you don’t stop looking.”
Jason released my hand, and pulled me into another hug, clinging to me. I hugged him back equally as hard, our tears raining down on each other. I didn’t care about the other people in the room. Chances were, they’d all had a similar conversation with their own friends and family, and although it would have been better in private, what mattered was Jason’s honesty. Keeping everything bottled up was how he, and all of us, landed up in such a mess. The only way through was by opening up.
“How’s the counselling going?” I asked, eager to move on to a less soul-crushing conversation.
“It’s good. I don’t feel like I’m talking to a counsellor, it’s more like I’m having a chat with someone who knows what I’ve been through. Well, I am. A few of the workers here trained to do this job because they’ve been in my position.”
“What do you talk about? I mean, you don’t have to tell me-”
“Mostly Drew.”
Aaand, back to soul-crushing.
“Have you seen him?”
Jason shook his head. “Not since I was in hospital. Dad said Drew waited around until he arrived, but I didn’t see him after he stormed out.”
That was Drew. Although he didn’t want to talk to his brother, he still refused to leave him alone at the hospital. He cared enough to wait, in spite of his own pain.
A familiar ache pushed at my insides. I missed his face, his smile, the feel of his hand in mine, his hands on me.
Everything.
“One of the reasons we’re not allowed visitors for the first week in here is so we have time to think. And no matter how much you’re going to tell me what happened between you and Drew isn’t my fault, I know it is."
I opened my mouth to speak, but Jason continued. "It’s not only about you and Drew. Dad told me about your illustrating job. I’m gonna... when I get out of here, I’ll do all I can to help you. If I hadn’t ended up in hospital, you wouldn’t have gotten fired. I need to fix it."
“You can’t fix it. I’d probably have lost the job anyway once the author realised I was dating a member of a rock band, and you can’t fix me and Drew because he doesn’t want us fixed. I lied to him. I did everything he was worried I’d do. How can I expect him to trust me?”
“I’m not having that.” Jason shook his head. “Why are you giving up?”