Nobody Knows (Razes Hell 1)

“Don’t make it sound as if I don’t care. I know how his mind works and no amount of t

alking will take back what I did. You of all people should understand how hard he clings onto the things that hurt him.”

“If you give up on him, you’ll hurt him more.”

“I’m scared, okay? I hate being away from him, it’s killing me. But I can’t win him back with a few sweet words, and I can’t try because I don’t ever want to hear him tell me it’s over again. I can’t do it.”

I’d relived the moment Drew walked away from me so many times, and it never hurt any less to visualise the look on his face before he said his last words to me. At the time, I couldn’t imagine hurting any more. Each day, I was proved wrong. Regular visits from my parents didn’t do much to lift my mood. They came, forced me to eat, tried to make me call Drew, then left. I’d expected Jason to understand my reasons for not talking to Drew, even if my mum and dad didn’t.

“Ellie. If you let this go, you’ll regret it. I saw how you were together and how much he needed you when he was arguing with me, and I’m a dick for not seeing it before. Because it’s been obvious for a long time. He’s completely in love with you, and that isn’t going to change overnight."

I closed my eyes, the ache taking over, colliding with my hangover and ripping through me so I folded in half, resting my forehead on Jason’s knees.

I wasn’t sure if it was my raging hangover or the emotion I cried out with Jason, but every part of my body hurt. It took days to recover, and I spent all of them thinking about the things Jason had said. I loved that he wanted to help me, I just couldn’t see any way he could. There was no “fix” for Drew and me. I could have apologised again. I could have waited outside his window and grovelled, and I would have if I thought it would make a difference. The fact remained, I’d broken his trust and he’d closed off from me as though we never existed. I didn’t know how to fight that.

At some point, I knew I’d have to get back to normality, so I dragged my miserable arse out of my flat and headed out to visit my parents. I hadn’t been to their house since the night Jason overdosed; hadn’t been anywhere other than the supermarket and the rehab centre. I figured Mum and Dad would be glad to see me wearing proper clothes instead of pyjamas or trackie bottoms and a hoodie, until I realised that at eleven a.m on a weekday, they probably wouldn’t be in.

As I pulled up outside my family home, I did a quick scan around for Drew’s car, just in case by some weird coincidence, he was visiting his dad. All clear.

Great. Now what?

“Ellie!”

Lucy must have seen my car through the window. She stood on the doorstep, beaming, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

Sheesh, she needs to ease off the coffee.

“Morning, Luce.” I climbed out of the car, my bag slung over my shoulder.

“I’m so glad you’re here!”

“What’s up?”

Lucy ran down the path, her fingers digging into my arm as she pulled me into the living room and sat me in my dad’s armchair - a strong indication he definitely wasn’t home.

“Wait there,” Lucy said, before skipping out and thundering up the stairs.

Okay. My sister had always been sunny, but the way she darted around the house, all smiley and secretive was downright creepy. She’d hardly spoken a word, yet she appeared giddy with barely contained glee. I felt as though I’d slipped into the start of a horror movie, where the person who looked like Lucy was actually some alien life form from another planet on a mission to take over the world, one human at a time.

When she returned, she had her hands behind her back.

“Seriously. What’s going on?”

“I’m about to tell you, dear sister.” She paused to giggle. “Okay, I have a gift for you, but you can’t look until I’ve gone. I need to take a shower, and when I come back, we’ll talk.”

My immediate thought was she had a pregnancy test gripped in her hands, and needed the time to shower for me to calm down enough not to strangle her. Based on our conversation a few nights ago, I knew I was letting my mind run away with me. Besides, she was way too happy for that to be the case.

“What is it?” I asked, a hint of nervousness creeping into my voice.

“It’s nothing bad. It’s... an idea. From Jason.”

“Wait. How have you been getting ideas from Jason?”

Her words came out in a rush. “I went to visit him yesterday. I booked an appointment because... I wanted to see him.”

Any hope I’d had that her feelings for Jason were a passing phase vanished when my brain registered the look on her face. Somewhere between happiness at seeing him and sadness... maybe because he showed no sign of thinking of her as anything more than a little sister.

“How is he?” I hoped to distract her with facts, rather than allowing her mind to wander.