Nobody Knows (Razes Hell 1)

I rolled my eyes. “You really have all the answers, don’t you?”

“Yes. I do.” He smiled, and for the first time in forever a little sparkle flickered in his eyes. Relieved as I was to see it, it appeared for the wrong reason. He couldn’t force me to do something that terrified me to the point of nausea.

“Ellie-” he stopped abruptly, focusing on a point over my shoulder, his eyebrows pulling together in confusion. I twisted around, and my breath hitched.

Through the glass doors at the far end of the room, Drew was talking to a member of staff.

Drew. I’d avoided him since the hospital, and now I’d seen him two days in a row.

Even from a distance, my body reacted. My pulse raced with the need to run to him and launch myself into his arms. Since that wasn’t an option, I turned back to Jason. “Were you expecting him today?”

Jason shook his head. “I’ve no idea why he’s here.”

I flicked my head towards the doors again, hoping to gauge what was happening, but I was too far away to tell. Drew nodded to the guy he was talking to, his face serious, and when he turned to leave, his gaze fell on me. For the briefest second, his eyes brightened. The light faded as quickly as it appeared, and after a few moments, he walked away without looking back.

Everything inside me dissolved, emptying me of the last of my hope, but at the same time, something else rose inside me and I sprang to my feet.

My body and my brain disconnected as I ran across the room, through the glass doors to the reception area, then outside.

“Drew!”

He’d just reached his car, and he stopped, turning at the sound of my voice. He stared at me expectantly. I couldn’t read anything else in his face. His eyes didn’t flicker with happiness this time. They just stared at me, waiting. He’d already put up his protective barriers so he wouldn’t have to deal with his feelings. The emptiness in his eyes was familiar. He’d gone to that place in his mind where emotions didn’t exist. I always hated that; the way he slipped into denial. But in that moment, standing so close to him and knowing I couldn’t go to him and help him open up, I wished I could do the same.

My brain jolted back to life and I realised I had absolutely no idea why I’d sprinted out to him. No explanation for me speeding through the rehab centre like Superman on a mission to rescue someone from danger.

Maybe it was me I was trying to rescue. Or Drew. To stop him getting wound up about me visiting Jason. Whatever. I’d sprinted in a way that would have made Mo Farah proud, so I had to say something.

“I’m here because Dad asked me to visit Jason,” Drew said. “I don’t want to be here.”

He didn’t need to add the last comment, his feelings were clear. Well, his I’m a hardass alter ego was clear. That wasn’t Drew talking. Not really.

“You should stay, Drew. I’m nearly finished, anyway.”

“What’s the point? I have nothing to say to him.”

“So why did you come?”

“I told you. Dad wanted me to-”

I shook my head, halting him. Had he really forgotten already that I could see through any lie he attempted to tell me? That I knew him better than anyone? That after a few seconds of really focusing on his eyes I wouldn’t see the pain inside them? Inside him.

“What does it matter?” he asked. “I’m here, and surprise surprise, you beat me to it.”

His tone was like a sucker punch to my gut. I wanted to scream. Why didn’t he understand that I hurt too? That being around Jason was a lifeline. He was my friend, I wanted to be there for him, but part of me visiting him was about me scrabbling around, trying to cling onto what was left of my life before the band, before the publicity, before my world exploded and crumbled at my feet.

But screaming would do no good. Drew had built up his barriers to keep me out and that made it so much easier for him to lash out at me. To say things he knew deep down were unfair.

Blinking back tears I breathed deeply, building my own barriers up again.

Drew scrubbed his hands over his face, his hand reaching for me then stopping and falling to his side again. “Ells.”

“I have to go.”

What else could I do? I wanted him back. God, I wanted him back so much. He wasn’t ready to hear me. Wasn’t ready to let me try.

As I walked away from him, the fractured remains of my heart shattered, yet just as I’d held on to the smile he gave me the day before, I grasped onto the brightness in his eyes when he saw me. Gathered it in tight because I needed something. Something to let me know he still cared.

Over the next three weeks, many things happened: