I closed my eyes, my own heart rate slowing as he relaxed against me. My grip on his shirt loosened, and I moved my hands around to his back, holding him close.
“I’m sorry too.”
“Why today?” he asked, looking up at me. “Why now? I’ve been having a hard time and then this guy just appears with the thing I’ve been craving. I thought it’d be easier to handle now. I thought after talking to my sponsor I was okay. But look at me. I’m still fucked up.”
“Hey!” I said, sharply. “Don’t do that. Don’t get down on yourself because you’re struggling. You didn’t give in. You got away, and you’re okay. You’re okay, Jason.”
He shook his head. “I’m far from okay, Luce. I’m shaking, and I could so easily go back in there and do it. I want it.”
“Then let’s get out of here.”
“You don’t get it!” he snapped. “I could be on the moon, and I’d still find a way to get back here to get it if I wanted to.”
His words made my insides churn. I didn’t want to see him go backwards. He almost died the last time he used, and I couldn’t let him get anywhere near those dealers so he could land himself back in hospital, or worse.
“You must have some tricks,” I said. “Something you learned in rehab to help you.”
He nodded. “I do. And they got me this far.”
“So stick with it. Don’t give in, Jason. You’re stronger than this.”
“Am I? Because I think I’m a fucking mess. Why won’t this stop? Why can’t I just be over it?”
“This is what it does to you. It takes hold of you and makes you think you need it. But just like all those other times you’ve felt like this, you can get through it. This has got to be easier than the real withdrawals, right? It’s not in your system now. You know you don’t need it. You just have to find a way to take your mind off it.”
“It’s not that easy, Luce.”
“I know. But you have to try.” I took his hands in mine. He was still shaking, but a little less than before. “We’re going to take this one step at a time, okay? We’re going to go back inside, and we’re going to walk past those guys to get our things.”
He shook
his head. “I can’t. If I see them, I’ll-”
“No. Don’t think about that. Think about walking past them and getting what we need so we can leave. It’s the hardest step, and it sucks that you have to take this one first, but we have to get back to the tour bus. There’s no temptation there.”
Jason swallowed hard then took a few deep breaths. “Okay.”
I gave him an encouraging smile and we slowly walked back into the club. His hand twitched in mine as we passed the dealers but I squeezed it, not looking in their direction, but keeping my face forward towards where we were going. Jason’s palm grew sweaty in mine again.
“You’ve got this,” I told him. “We’re nearly there.”
He nodded, and as we reached our table I let out another sigh of relief. I couldn’t let go of him for fear he’d run, so I picked up my bag and jacket with one hand, and awkwardly juggled them into a comfortable position.
“We need to tell someone we’re leaving so they don’t worry,” I said. As panic crossed Jason’s face again, I added, “We won’t tell them why. We’ll say I’ve got a headache and you’re taking me back to the bus.”
“Okay.” He swallowed. “Okay.”
I purposely didn’t look for Drew because I knew that would make Jason more twitchy. Instead I scanned the crowds for Mack or Joey.
“There.” Jason nodded to the opposite side of the room. Joey’s head was visible as he jumped up and down to the music.
I chuckled as Jason led the way towards him. We weaved through sweaty bodies until we reached Joey, and Jason tapped him on the shoulder, grounding him. I couldn’t hear what Jason said to him but Joey threw me a sympathetic smile before defying gravity with his dance moves again.
With that done, Jason and I pushed back through the crowds until we finally made it outside, and my ears got some relief from the pounding music. Telling Joey I had a headache was no longer a lie. With the noise of the club and the tension from trying to keep Jason away from the dealers, a steady thud began to pound in my skull.
“Are you okay?” I looked up at Jason and he nodded.
“I think so. Let’s get back.”