I looked into her eyes, searching for a sign that my sister and best friend was still in there somewhere but I couldn’t find her. She was too caught up in fear and anger to think or speak rationally, and nothing I said could change that. I tightened my hold on Jason. “And I’m not going to say anything. I’m not getting into a fight that shouldn’t be happening.”
“You think he’s right. You think someone should have called instead of us trying to come to terms with what’s happening?”
My eyes widened. “Of course someone should have called! The only reason we weren’t here was because Mum told Jason to go back to the hotel and get some rest. Since when did Jason stop being a part of Drew’s family? Since when was it not important for him to come to terms with what happened? And since when did we stop working through things together? Especially things that affect both of our families.”
I bit my lower lip to stop myself saying anymore, because I hadn’t really meant to say anything. But she wasn’t being fair.
“Lucy’s right,” Michael said. “This was my mistake, though.” He turned to Jason and me. “I’m so sorry, but it was a huge shock, and I just didn’t think. I would have called you, but I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner.”
Jason shook his head. “It’s always the same, Dad. Always.” He took a step away from me, but reached for my hand. “I need a break, Luce. I’ll be back later.”
There was a darkness in his eyes I didn’t recognise, and fear vibrated through my body. It was clear he was struggling with everything that had happened; not just Drew’s diagnosis but the loss of Mack, and being in the crash. The last thing he needed was to be on his own, yet if I didn’t let him go, I was going to be another person in his life who smothered him. Just like last time, I had to hold in my fears and let him go his own way. I had to trust him.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Just away from here. I’ll call you in an hour, okay?”
With a weak smile, I nodded. Honestly, I couldn’t believe he was going to leave me there knowing how awkward it would be, but I understood why he had to go. I just wished I could go with him.
Jason kissed me on the cheek then practically fled out of the waiting room. I took a couple of deep breaths, reminding myself it was only for an hour. One hour and he’d check in with me, and hopefully he’d let me go to him.
“See?” Ellie said. “He left you. He left Drew. And this is a guy you want to be with.”
I rounded on her, eyes blazing. I knew I was supposed to be understanding,that she wasn’t thinking straight, but her words were downright out of order and I was done.
“I don’t know what the hell has been wrong with you for the last few weeks, but I am sick of it! Remember who was there for you last year when everything fell apart for you? Me. I was there when the press were hounding you, when you outright lied to cover for Jason, when Drew left you. I was there the whole time until you sorted things out. My repayment? You treating me like a child, and treating Jason like he’s an asshole for caring about me. You are way out of line for the things you just said to him. He was there when the bus crashed. He lived it. He saw his brother almost dead, and he lost one of his best friends. And one more thing to note. If it hadn’t been for all the drama, I would have been on the bus too. While you were ignoring my existence, maybe you should have considered that I could be lying in a body bag right now too!”
Tears rained down my cheeks as I realised how true that was. On shaky legs, I ran out of the room and somehow found my way to the hospital’s cafeteria. I wasn’t sure how I’d got there, but I found a seat in the corner of the large room, curled myself up on one of the plastic chairs and cried my heart out.
The stress of the last few weeks, the worry of the last twenty-four hours, the pain of feeling so distant from my sister and my mum poured out of me in body-wracking sobs. I cried for Drew, and for Mack, and for Michael, and for Joey, and for Jason because he was suffering, maybe more than all of us because while he experienced the same worries as the rest of us, his own guilt and the torment of being in the crash weighted down on him along with everything else.
I cried until I was out of tears and a dull pounding ached my head. I peeled myself off my chair and ordered another coffee; there was no way I wanted to even think about going back to the waiting room, so I spent the next hour in the canteen, waiting for Jason to call.
After an hour and fifteen minutes of no phone call, the uneasiness in my gut began to make itself known again. I hadn’t thought through what I’d do if Jason didn’t call me. Trying to think rationally, I realised we were in a strange place; it wasn’t like we were still in Munich and Jason would know where to score some cocaine if he wanted to. Maybe that wasn’t even on his mind, but the idea that it could be, because it was his go-to thing when times got rough, made my palms sweat. I pulled out my phone to call him, but it went straight to voicemail. I waited a few minutes, just in case he had temporarily lost signal, but still nothing. What I needed to do was go back to the ICU waiting room and check if anyone else had heard from him. It was unlikely he’d have called Ellie, but maybe his dad, or Joey. Just as the thought had formed in my mind, Joey entered the cafeteria and I jumped up from my seat. How was that for timing?
When he saw me, he walked towards me and I met him in the middle of the room.
“Lucy, are you okay?”
I shook my head. “Jason didn’t call, his phone’s off and I’m not sure what to do.”
Joey blew out a breath. “I thought this might happen. That’s why I came to see if you were still around.” He put his arms around me and gave me a hug. “We’ll go back to the hotel and look there, and if he isn’t there, we’ll… well, we’ll think of something.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
We headed out of the hospital and got a cab to the hotel. As Joey and I sat on the back seat, I tried to control the sick feeling that had curled itself in my stomach. Beside me, Joey sat, rigid, and I knew he was as anxious as me. In fact, it was probably worse for him because his family still hadn’t arrived, and he was very much alone since he’d lost his best friend. I suspected, much like Jason, he was still in shock and denial, and keeping himself busy was the best way he knew how to deal with it.
“How are you doing, Joey?” I placed my hand over his, and he turned his head from the window towards me.
“Tired and confused.”
I only just noticed how much darker the circles under his eyes had gotten in the past hour, and his skin was still void of colour. Seeing him that way was unsettling. He was the joker of the group, the one who was always carefree. He was rarely seen without a smile on his face, high on living the life he’d always dreamed of.
“I can’t believe any of this has happened,” he said. “One minute we were having the time of our lives, the next we were all in hospital and… Mack was gone.”
“I can’t believe it either. From the second Mum told me what happened it’s like I’ve been in some kind of bubble. I understand that this awful thing has happened, but I can’t seem to take it in properly. It doesn’t feel real yet.”
“I don’t think it will for a long time. Not until the funeral at least. Maybe longer.”