Into the Darkness

“Sometimes the distance can be welcoming.” I was from the West Coast. It wasn’t a coincidence I chose to reside in New York.

“Yeah, I do miss home. But then again, home is where my man is.” She looked wistfully into the sky.

I knew that feeling of being in love. There was nothing like it in the world. If you are lucky enough to have it, then hold onto it. How ironic, I thought, the part about holding on. I did, till the end. Till there was nothing left to hold onto.

“Well, I best head off,” she said. “I’ve got back-to-back meetings today, can you believe that? It’s a Sunday for goodness sakes! It was really nice to meet you.”

“Nice meeting you too,” I said as she took off, her long blonde hair shimmering in the morning sun.

…

Eric was already sitting outside at a table. As usual, his hand was glued to his cell. He looked up as I was walking toward him. He greeted me cheerfully with a kiss on both cheeks.

“Hey Charlie, how’s the hangover?”

“How much did I drink? Everything is such a blur,” I moaned as I sunk down in the chair.

“Let’s see, probably a bottle at the charity event, then maybe...” He started counting his fingers. Oh God. I hung my head in shame, waiting to hear his response. “Maybe five shots at the club? I don’t know. I lost count after you disappeared on the dance floor.” He sipped his latte, grinning.

“Eric I need you to be honest. What happened last night? I don’t remember anything after the shots I had at the bar.” I didn’t tell him about the quick flashes that would run through my head. I didn’t know if that was my imagination running wild.

“After the bar, we went up to the VIP area. P. Diddy was there and oh-em-gee, Charlie, Emma and I went to speak to him and he is the coolest guy ever, and—”

“I mean, what happened with Lex and me…?”

“That gorgeous man was all over you in the VIP. We left to go dance, then when we came back he had disappeared so you and I decided to dance but before I knew it you and Lex were all over each other on the dance floor. Then you guys disappeared.”

I froze. Holy shit, did I fuck him in the club? I bowed my head for a moment, closing my eyes and trying to remember what happened, but everything was so hazy. We were in a dark room and I remembered something felt cold on my back. Shit shit shit! How would I know what happened without confronting Lex?

“OK, so I take it from the silence you are worried you fucked him? To be honest, Charlie, when I saw you coming out of the ladies’ room you didn’t look like you had been fucked.”

“And how in hell would you know what I looked like if I had been fucked?”

“I don’t know, legs wobbly, more disheveled? Your hair was pretty much intact, as was your dress. Maybe he just copped a feel. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.”

Maybe he thought I shouldn’t have worried about it too much but this was Lex we were talking about here! This wasn’t any new guy I could simply ignore. Every touch meant something and I was afraid I crossed the border into up-the-creek-without-a-paddle’sville last night. Suddenly I thought of Julian. The guilt made me nauseous even though I didn’t know what happened. I could blame the alcohol, right?

My thoughts were interrupted by the sight of Adriana strolling toward us. Eric and I stood up and hugged her before we sat down again to order our lunch. I didn’t have much of an appetite so I settled for a noodle salad. We chatted about the charity ball and what gossip was splashed on page six this morning. Adriana proudly talked about her boutique, how she started it and the designs she would stock as well as her own creations. I was so proud of her and what she achieved. She had wanted this for as long as I could remember and to be successful in New York was a very big achievement in the fashion world. Eric excused himself when he got a call from a potential booty call. I was thankful for a moment alone with Adriana.

“Adriana, I need to ask you something.” I hesitated slightly, wondering if I should involve her in the mess I had created for myself. “Have you spoken to Lex since last night?”

She placed her fork down, wiping her mouth with her napkin. “Yes, I have.” She grinned.

“Why are you smiling?” I was nervous. I fucked him, I knew it!

“Were you so wasted you don’t recall last night so you are trying to find out what happened between you and Lex?”

“Yes, kind of. Look, I’m not that kind of girl. I don’t usually go out and get wasted on a Saturday night. Most of the time I’m at Nikki’s house spending time with her son,” I said, trying to defend myself.

“Hey, listen, Char…” It had been a while since she had called me that and everything about it felt so normal. I missed her, my best friend. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. One look at you and I know you aren’t that type of girl. You never were. That’s why Lex loved you so much.”

Her words were like tiny knives, stabbing me one by one in the heart. Loved…that’s why he loved me so much. Past tense, I kept telling myself. He wasn’t my future anymore.

“He didn’t tell me much to be honest, only that you didn’t have sex. He was clear on that when I asked him. Oh, and that stupid bitch Samantha was there,” she mentioned calmly.

“What? Samantha was there??”

Suddenly the vision flashed behind my eyes. We were exiting the club; I heard laughter, familiar laughter. The feeling of wanting to be violently ill on the sidewalk when I saw her face and Lex trying to restrain her from entering the club. There was so much I had wanted to say at that moment, from apologizing for what I did to her, to calling her a whore for what she did to Lex.