Into the Darkness

The coffee and brownie were placed on the table as he asked me questions about what I did, where I studied. I don’t know why I answered him, but when I mentioned Grandmother I choked up a little, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. He reached for my hand like he understood the pain, but again I felt like he was pushing me. I wasn’t ready; I didn’t want to discuss the past.

Thankfully my cell started ringing. It was Michael calling to tell me that one of our clients, Mrs. Vandercamp, was demanding a larger alimony from her divorce settlement. I apologized for the call, then Lex got into the whole topic of work. When I asked him what he did for a living he squirmed. I don’t know what part of that question made him feel uncomfortable but he quickly changed the subject, asking me if the brownie was delicious. I told him I’d had better. As he dipped his fork and had a small bite, he licked his lips and told me it tasted perfect. Just watching his lips was stirring things down south; I needed to get a hold of myself…or he needed to! Why oh why does he always do this to me? I wasn’t sexually deprived. I had sex with Julian just last week, so why wasn’t this ache going away? Focus, Charlie… Focus. Do not look at his pants!

When he mentioned flying back to London, my reaction took me by surprise. I was fucking angry. At him, at me. He was sitting here in front of me and every part of me hated the fact that I missed him, even though I no longer knew him. I asked him how long he would be away, letting my guard down, then I regretted it immediately. Fuck, I was stronger than this! I no longer belonged to him but then again did I ever? I told him I had something important to do at work, then I quickly grabbed my things. He asked if he could call or text but I rambled on about being busy during the week. Then he mentioned Julian. I was too weak to get into this right now so I told him to just stop.

I walked away as fast as I could, hailing the first cab in sight. As I sat in the back of the cab, I tried to calm myself down. Why did I let all this happen? I should have been more firm from the get-go, but no, I let him dance with me, I let him kiss me and I even let him finger me. I was screwed and so sick of feeling this when I was around him. Things had to change. My attitude towards this had to change.

…

“You look on edge, sweetie.”

“Mrs. Vandercamp, thank you for your concern but let’s get down to business.”

“Man troubles?”

I laughed. “Honestly, it’s not worth talking about.”

“I heard you attended the charity ball. Unfortunately with Mr. Vandercamp and his bimbo there, I wasn’t able to attend.”

“Right, Barbie with an overkill of fake tanning lotion on,” I couldn’t help but add.

“Sounds like her. I can’t thank you enough for helping me fight this.”

“It’s my job, plus you deserve it after all the humiliation Mr. Vandercamp put you through.”

“I didn’t think things would turn out this way. George was the love of my life, and now we can barely be in the same room together, even for the sake of the kids.” She paused. “When I first met George, it was love at first sight. I was dating another man, a man that had asked my father’s permission to marry me. He was great but he wasn’t George. I thought I could tame him. I thought I was the woman who would be his wife, have his babies. He wouldn’t need anyone else. I was so naïve…” She trailed off.

“A leopard can’t change its spots. Perhaps it’s time to move on. The ship has sailed and you need to focus on the future.”

As I said the words it dawned on me that I was a total hypocrite. Everything I had just said was the opposite of what I was doing or had done with Lex. We had history, plenty of it and no matter what happened, it could not be erased. I knew I wasn’t meant to look back. Move forward, work towards the future—that was my mantra. But how could I see the future when the past kept biting me in the ass?

“I’ve been seeing someone,” she said. “He treats me like a princess, but I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to screw this up.”

“If he feels the way you do, you won’t screw it up. Some things have a way of working out. Relationships are hard. It’s trying to find that right balance, enjoy each other’s company, be considerate of each other’s feelings and most importantly trust and honesty. Without it you’ve got nothing.”

Sheesh, talk about channeling my inner Dr.Phil.

“Perhaps I should hire you as my shrink?” She laughed. “I don’t remember the last time I was smiling so much, not since George and I first started dating. Maybe I do deserve this. If George wants a different girl on his arm every week then so be it. I want more, Charlie. I want a real man.”

Smiling and laughter couldn’t exist in my world. There was no longer a blank canvas ready to paint a future. Instead there was this painting of a man and a woman and the history behind it was too much to paint over. It could never be the same, yet I allowed myself to remember the pieces of the past. These pieces brought me so much happiness, the moments that stuck in my head. First loves, they always stick with you. Maybe that’s what this was, this unwarranted pining for him. That first love feeling.

But the truth behind it was, I didn’t trust Lex and I wasn’t honest with him, therefore we had nothing. Why was that the most gut wrenching feeling in the world right now?

May 2005

I sat in the waiting room a nervous wreck. I had heard enough hor

ror stories to know that unprotected sex led to teen pregnancy and I couldn’t have thought of anything worse at eighteen. After a sleepless night, I decided to bite the bullet and drive to a clinic the next town over so the doctor could prescribe me the Pill. Maybe I was jumping the gun; we hadn’t had sex yet but it was inevitable. He was twenty-three and anytime I was near him his cock practically waved hello and invited me over for tea and crumpets.

“So, Charlotte, how can I help you today?” Doctor Hanson asked.

“I…uh…want to go on the Pill.”

“Charlotte, before we continue, do you have any concerns with my intern sitting in?”

“Uh…no. If it helps the medical community then it’s fine with me.”

He left the room and I sat there for a few minutes playing with a model of the human body that sat on his desk. As the door opened, I fumbled with the heart which fell to the ground. Surely I wasn’t the only one who touched this? I reached down to pick it up thinking this couldn’t be any more embarrassing until a hand reached it before mine. I recognized the hand immediately.