Four Letter Word (Dirty Deeds 1)

How could he go from wanting me insatiably to not at all? How does that even happen?

Tori leaned forward and exchanged her glass for the bag of chocolate-covered pretzels off the table.

“How long has it been?”

“Three months,” I blurted out.

“Three months?” She whipped her head around and gaped at me. The bag crumpled in her grasp. “You haven’t had sex in three months? Really? Jesus, that’s …” She paused, blinking several times with her mouth hanging open, then leaning closer and whispering as if she didn’t want her neighbors to know, “Three months? Did you at least try?”

I rolled my eyes.

“Of course I tried, but after the third rejection I gave up.”

“I don’t blame you.”

She bit into a pretzel and offered me the bag.

I shook my head. Not even one of my favorite snacks appealed to me at the moment.

“And you just thought he was too tired for sex?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

God, that observation sounded ridiculous now. It was so obvious, but denial can fool you. Hope can fool you, too. I knew what I wanted to believe, and that was the only thing I allowed myself to focus on.

For three months, I didn’t just think my marriage was fine and my husband still wanted me, I knew that was the only possibility. I left no room in my head for doubt.

“Does he know you’re here?” she asked.

“No. I just packed up and left. I didn’t talk to him.”

“Good. He doesn’t deserve to know what you’re doing. Fuck him.”

A bubble of laughter caught in my throat. All I could think of was …

I tried.

“I’m going to say something, and I know this is a huge risk because there is a possibility you and Marcus could work out your shit and get back together, but I think he did you a huge favor tonight.”

I slowly turned to look at Tori. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.

“What?”

“I know. I know. Just hear me out. Don’t yell at me yet.” She sat the bag of pretzels down and turned her body, angling herself toward me. She tucked a chunk of hair behind her ear. “I’ve always liked Marcus. You know that. But I think he kind of dulled you out a little, hon.”

I narrowed my eyes at her.

“Dulled me out? What does that mean?”

She motioned at me. “You weren’t you with him. I don’t know. You two were always so serious together. It was like the guy couldn’t take a joke.”

I shrugged. “So what?”

“So what?” she repeated, sitting up on her knees. “I never saw you laugh with him, Syd. I mean, you two seemed happy, otherwise I would’ve said something to you, but …it was like you weren’t friends at all. You were just married. He never played with you.”

I slid my hand around my neck and squeezed while my eyes lost focus on the carpet.

I couldn’t dispute what Tori was saying. Marcus wasn’t really a playful guy, but I never needed him to be. He always, up until recent months, made me feel like I was the only woman he ever saw. He was affectionate, most of the time, and caring. He supported and encouraged me through college. I didn’t need him to joke around or make me laugh. That wasn’t important. I just needed him to love me. And he did.

He just didn’t anymore.

Tori sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to upset you further, it’s just …I’ve known you forever. I know the person you are when we’re together. You’re silly and a complete nut. Remember how we met? Seventh grade? You told me your name was Tori, too, because you wanted us to be best friends and you thought it would happen faster if we had the same name?”

I smiled faintly.

“Had you calling me that for a week,” I said.

“I know.” Tori laughed. “I yelled at everyone who called you Sydney. Even teachers.” She nudged my shoulder with hers. “I’m just saying, I missed that girl when Marcus was around. That’s all.”

She said those final two words on a shrug.

I slid down farther and rested my head on the cushion, staring up at the ceiling.

Tori joined me, putting herself into a similar pose.

After a minute or two of silence, I finally responded.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe Marcus and I weren’t friends. Maybe we didn’t play with each other and laugh all the time. But you know what? It doesn’t matter anymore. Whatever we were, he no longer wants it. He’s done. And I need to think about my life without him, starting with finding a job around here.”

“Oh, I got you covered on that.”

“You do?”

I stared at her profile. I had no idea what she was driving at.

She tilted her head to the side and smiled.

“Hell yeah I do. Come work with me at Whitecaps until you find an x-ray job.”

“As a waitress?”

“Yep. Nate will work you into the schedule no problem. He’s cool. And I’ll make sure he puts us on the same shifts.” She slapped my knee and stood, stretching her arms above her head with a yawn. “I’m beat. Do you need help bringing the rest of your stuff in?”

“Nah, I got it. When do you think I could talk to Nate about getting a job?”

I got on my feet to join her, both of us grabbing a bottle and the trash from the snacks we’d devoured during our conversation.

We carried our handfuls to the kitchen.