Into the Light

“No, it’s okay, Julian. We need to talk anyway.”

“Yes, we do need to talk. So, how about I pick you up around seven?”

“Um, how about I meet you there? Just text me the details.”

I hung up my cell, guilty for avoiding having him here. I remembered Lex’s voicemail from last night. I remembered how I felt when I read his words, when I heard his voice. I plopped myself on the couch and scrolled through my inbox. I found the deleted items folder and recovered the emails he sent me. He had apologized, over and over again. He promised me nothing ever happened or ever would happen. But it wasn’t those emails that made me look at him in a different light. It was the ones he sent me quoting one my favorite poets. I studied Lord Byron in senior year; the memory of the words as I spoke them to him, resting against his chest, in our safe haven that was our cliff top back home.

A tear fell upon my screen as the words lingered. How does one stop what the heart wants? It was impossible to not see the pain I was inflicting on him and it made my heart hurt, a part of it crying for the sorrow he was feeling. But this was about my pain; how was I to rise above it? How was I able to place my trust in him and let all the fears wash away? Could I hand my heart over to him? It thinks it belongs there but once upon a time it was asked to leave, and when it left it took me along with it to a very dark place. Had he changed...had his heart changed too? Would he see me and understand my fears, understand how fresh this all was? Or would he push me into the dark by questioning my insecurities, belittle me for my ability to run?

I could either hand my heart over or place it in a panic room.

I walked to my vanity and opened the little wooden box. Inside sat the engagement ring Julian gave me and the wedding band that Lex placed on my finger. Two rings, two different people. I picked up the diamond ring and slid it on my finger.

I didn’t know what I was doing, all I knew was that tonight I needed to smile and if there was one person that could make that happen, it was Julian.

June 2005

I tried his cell again, damn voicemail. It was the morning after I saw him at ‘our’ place, and during the night I had tried several times to call him. Maybe he was tied up with work. I hoped, because the alternative was unbearable.

Something was off yesterday. He was demanding, physically, and while he had shown that side several times, this was different. He wasn’t his usual self.

I walked into the kitchen, grabbed my wallet and headed to the store. It was Saturday morning; the streets were quiet, just the regulars eating their breakfast at the local diner. I walked into the store and grabbed a box of Cheerios. Oh hell, and a Butterfinger while I’m at it. Taking my items I walked towards the counter.

Kaley. She had been the death of me since junior high. I honestly believed she was some sort of human robot put on this earth to annoy the living daylights out of me.

“Hi, Kaley,” I reluctantly greeted her.

“Shopping alone today? No, um, boyfriend to help you out?” She smirked.

“Excuse me? Seriously, you need to keep your lips shut and by lips I don’t just mean the ones on your face.”

“Oh please, Charlie. You’re a fool for thinking Alex would leave his wife for you.”

I played dumb once again. This wasn’t the first time she had insinuated that Alex and I were a couple. It had occurred several times now since prom.

“I mean seriously, Charlie, he has a family to worry about now. You wouldn’t want to tear that baby’s life apart, would you?”

What? My heart started pounding in my chest, my skin suddenly felt on fire, the pit of my stomach threatening to cave in right there on the floor tiles. I must have heard wrong or she was making up lies. Yes, remember, Kaley has a degree in serial bullshitting. But she stood grinning like she won the lottery. No… No… No…

“What the fuck did you just say?”

Her face lit up as if she was happy to see my world fall apart. “I said that Alex and Samantha were sitting in a tree. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby sitting in a carriage.”

Everything started spinning, my world caving as I took in this information. I ran outside the store, vomiting all over the pavement. My chest felt tight, my breaths uneven. I pulled myself up, noticing Adriana standing across the street. No, she would tell me it was all one big fat lie!

I ran across the street to my best friend. She didn’t greet me, her face bursting with rage as she stood there waiting for me. What the fuck was going on?

“How dare you Charlie?! HE IS MY BROTHER!” she screamed.

“Adriana, please just listen to me! Tell me it’s not true. Please Adriana, I

’m begging you, tell me it’s not true.” I no longer cared that she knew. I sobbed waiting for her response.

Mrs. Edwards was sitting in the car, her head down refusing to meet my eyes. I ran over and banged on the window but she remained still. I pleaded with her to look at me, to give me the answer that would either allow me to continue breathing or the answer that would end my life right here, right now. But she sat...silently still, immune to my pleas.

“Charlie, you have ruined our friendship, broken my brother and embarrassed yourself in front the whole town. Leave us alone. Leave my brother alone, WHORE!” she screamed. “Oh, and another thing, if Alex really loved you, how come it’s Samantha carrying his baby?” She walked to the car and they quickly sped off.

She answered my question, and so my life slowly started to disappear, the light was fading, the air was too heavy to breathe. I felt my body weaken. This was too much, I needed him. Where was he? He promised to never leave, he promised that his heart belonged to me, he promised that he would never touch her again. My hands were shaking uncontrollably; I dialed his number again.