Into the Light

She had something on tonight after eight. Like a date? Or an all-night fucking session with Julian? My mind was going crazy. That guilt I had felt when I saw her eyes suddenly turned into rage and I knew I had to leave before I said something I would regret later. I kissed my sister goodbye and walked past Charlotte, not flinching for a moment. Closing the door behind me, I rushed for the closest cab, escaping as quickly as possible.

August 2005

I was lying in bed reading Time Magazine – the only thing keeping me sane these days. She walked into the room not saying a word. She removed her earrings, sorry, one earring. Why would she wear just one earring? She slid off her dress, her naked body reflected off the mirror. The bump was now evident which made me cringe every time I looked at it. Slipping her night gown on, she climbed into bed.

I was just about to ask her how her night out with the girls was when I smelled it: Brut.

I had my suspicions but what the fuck could I do? It wasn’t like I was innocent in all this. Hell, we only fucked once since we moved here and even then it was a fucking chore.

“Alex, we need to talk.” She looked down at her hands where I noticed the missing wedding ring.

“About the fact that you smell like Brut or that you are not wearing your wedding ring?”

She looked at me, her face turning from sad to bitter. “I don’t need a lecture. I fucked up, just like you did.”

I put the magazine down knowing all too well we would have this conversation again. No matter what I did she held my affair with Charlotte over my head. How the fuck were we supposed to raise a baby in this?

“Alex, the baby, it’s...” She broke down crying. It was rare to see her cry. Suddenly I felt guilty for treating her like shit.

“What’s wrong with the baby?”

“It’s not... It’s not yours,” she sobbed.

“What did you just say?” I was trying to control my temper but it was impossible, every thought swirling in my head. What the fuck did she say?

“It’s not your baby. I lied, I’m sorry! We didn’t make love that night. You were out drunk and I saw you. I saw you holding her. I saw the way you looked at her. I couldn’t handle it and, well Rodney was there.” She continued crying before reaching over to touch me.

“Don’t you dare touch me, Samantha! You fucking spiteful bitch! Do you know what I gave up for this baby? AND IT ISN’T EVEN MINE!” I could feel my body shaking, my fists clenched and without thinking I stood up and smashed my fist through the bathroom door, my hand throbbing in pain but the physical pain so much more bearable than the pain I felt in my chest, knowing I left Charlotte for this fucking bitch.

“I thought I was doing the right thing for our marriage. But no matter what it always comes back to her. I am so sick of living in her shadow. Do you know you talk in your sleep at night asking her to come back to you?! Do you know how it feels to be second best!” she screamed. “Rodney is different, he wants me. He wants our baby.” She had calmed down. Too bad I hadn’t.

“Fucking hell, Samantha, I LOST CHARLOTTE BECAUSE OF YOU!”

I went to my closet, changing into my jeans and sweater. I

grabbed my overnight bag putting in some spare clothes. Leaning into the back of my closet, I rummaged around in my old football helmet. There, in a loose cavity in the lining, was the one thing I kept: a picture taken of her on prom night. I allowed myself after three months to finally look at the picture, my heart sinking as I didn’t expect the tsunami of emotions that came with seeing her face again, even if it was only a picture. Placing the final things in my bag, I walked out of the closet. Samantha was still sitting there on the bed sobbing.

“I’m so sorry, Alex,” she cried.

I walked over to her, my anger intensifying. I took my wedding ring off my finger and placed it on the bedside table. I left the house, knowing what I had to do.

I called my sister. I needed her right away. “Adriana, can you meet me at the airport in two hours? Bring your passport.”

“Yes, Alex.” She didn’t have to ask why. She was my sister and no one in the world knew me better than her.

Chapter 7

Charlie

They say if you love someone you’re supposed to set them free. What if it was the other way around? They set you free. Was I supposed to fly back? Or was I supposed to leave it up to fate? There was a high chance fate wasn’t on my side, my wings had been clipped and without them I couldn’t soar, couldn’t be free. This was me after Lex told me he was done.

The storm set in that night at the restaurant where I broke the heart of the one guy who actually loved me enough to want to be with me despite what I’d put him through. But it wasn’t fair, life wasn’t fair. Why didn’t I love Julian the same way I loved Lex? Life would have been easy then. Okay, so it wasn’t the love that set me on fire, but he was safe and solid. No past, no memories. But he deserved better than me, better than this rollercoaster I put him through. I did to him just what Lex had been doing to me. How could I cause so much pain when I knew firsthand how much it hurt to be treated like that?

It started to pour but I walked at a normal pace, the people around me scurrying for cover and looking at me like I belonged on another planet. But I didn’t care. It all felt so insignificant now. The cold rain drenching my barely covered body as the fabric of my dress clung to my skin, I shivered uncontrollably. As I entered my apartment, I made my way to the bathroom. Turning the bath on, I let the hot water steam up the room. I wiped the mirror with my hand to look at my face. My mascara had smeared under my eyes, my lipstick long gone, and my hair was a wild, tangled mess. I stripped out of my clothes and climbed into the hot bath, a small slice of heaven in a fucked up situation. Sinking down further I let it spread over my body. The warmth provided me with security for just a split second. But of course, the water slowly became cold and the reality hit me just as hard. I climbed out and made my way to the bedroom. Placing my pajamas on, I tucked myself in, willing myself to close my eyes.

It was the first night I cried myself to sleep.

The next day I did everything possible to keep myself busy. I went for a run, but without Kate it wasn’t the same. I did my laundry and my grocery shopping even though I had zero appetite. I cleaned my entire apartment and then watched three movies back-to-back hoping for some comedic relief. It was only 6 pm but I decided to go to Adriana’s early for the final fitting for my dress that she kept nagging me about. It wasn’t until about an hour ago that I realized I had promised Will I would watch the meteor shower with him on his rooftop at eight.