Into the Light

I welcomed the drive to Brooklyn, deciding to take my bike out. As I drove onto her street, I parked the bike, pulling my helmet off. Okay, Brooklyn wasn’t my favorite place to leave the bike, but I made friends with the thugs down the road last time I was here and they told me they had my back. Well, so far they did. I made my way up to her apartment and knocked on the door. Elijah answered the door but when he saw me his face looked panicked. I couldn’t blame him, I looked like fucking shit. There are just some things that makeup can’t cover!

“What are you doing here?” he asked, looking back into the living room.

“Fitting. Apparently I’ve lost weight and Bridezilla says I need to fatten up to fit back in the dress.”

“Oh right, the fitting. Wasn’t that supposed to be after eight?" Again he turned around; the sweat beads had formed on his forehead.

“Uh, yeah, but I have to see Will tonight so I was hoping to get this done early. Elijah, are you okay? Did I catch you in the middle of something?” OMG was Elijah having an affair and that’s why he was in a panic? I seriously needed to stop watching The Bold and the Beautiful.

“Just hang on a sec, Charlie...” He scurried out of the room leaving me to stand there confused by his odd behavior. It wasn’t long before I heard the familiar voice. Panicking, my body froze. I stood there unable to move, unable to run away like I so desperately wanted to. FUCK! It was him. I didn’t want to be here, but it was too late… His voice got closer and closer. He turned the corner and our eyes met for a brief second. Adriana panicked as well, asking me why I was early. I explained that I was busy tonight and in a flash he said goodbye to them (ignoring me) and walked out the door.

He looked amazingly beautiful.

And I missed him. So much.

My stomach was in knots when I realized how easy it was for him to ignore me. He truly was done and that inkling, that little ray of hope walked out the door with him. I was left standing there, mustering any bit of dignity I had left.

“Char… C’mon, let’s have tea before the fitting,” Adriana offered.

“When you said tea you meant vodka, right?”

She laughed and we walked into the kitchen as she boiled her kettle. I sat at the small round table, flipping aimlessly through a wedding magazine that lay in front of me. The pictures were all one big blur. I needed a distraction, anything to stop me from remembering the way he looked, the way he gave up on me again.

“We won’t talk about him.”

“Thank you.” It was all I could manage to say.

She led me to her guest room where I changed into my dress. I couldn’t help but look over at the suits that were hanging on the rack, especially the one with the post-it note that said ‘Lex’.

“Adriana, when did you really know Elijah was the one?”

She took the pins out of her mouth and placed them back into her sewing box. “I think it was my first year of college. I mean, yeah, I always fantasized about marrying him and I sure did love him but, you know, it was high school and I was only eighteen. Then the first year of college was rough. We were apart and I had lost you. Lex had gone AWOL and I really felt alone. I made some friends on campus and there was this one guy, Matthew. He was great, your typical college guy, he was sweet and a great friend. One day he made a move and I froze. I didn’t see him that way and I apologized that I gave him the wrong impression. Of course being a great guy he understood but then I asked myself what made me stop. And then I realized Elijah was the only one who’d ever kissed me, the only one who had ever touched me and I didn’t want that to change. I knew I wanted him for the rest of my life but, you know, trying to propose to a guy takes balls.”

“You proposed to Elijah?”

“No, although I was close to doing it. He proposed to me. It was our second year of college and he was studying art. I never really saw much of his work because it was very private to him. One day he invited me to have dinner in his dorm room. Not the most romantic of settings but of course he decked it out with a million candles. Anyways, he said he wanted to show me what his assignment was, it was supposed to be something that captured you. He pulled the curtain away and there was this black and white painting. It was me. But the thing was it looked so familiar, the scene, and then he told me it was when we used to sit by the lake and watch the sunrise. We never took photos of that time but he told me he knew he loved me even back then and that image would forever be engrained in his memory. I was touched, of course, but what caught my eye was that the portrait of me sitting by the lake had something different. There was a wedding band in

the painting. It stood out because everything was black and white but the band...it was gold. I started to cry and then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.”

“Oh my God, Adriana. That’s so sweet. You guys are soul mates, you know that right?”

“I wouldn’t marry him if I didn’t think so myself.” She grinned.

It was well after midnight when I crawled into bed that night. The fitting went well and according to Adriana I’d gain a few (like I needed another reminder of why my boobs no longer felt comfortable in my one hundred-dollar Victoria’s Secret bra). I couldn’t get her story out of my mind. Sometimes things are just meant to be, you don’t really need to work at it. I don’t know why but the thought kept plaguing me as well as the way Lex ignored me. His face tonight, the way he avoided looking at me, the way he couldn’t even say a word to me made my stomach queasy. The images, the memories of us standing in that gazebo saying ‘I do’. He was my husband and it hurt like fucking hell that he had forgotten that. Now what? Do we get a divorce? Annulment? Was is actually valid?

It was the second night I cried myself to sleep.

I spent the majority of the week with Will, taking him to school, picking him up from school. Taking him to the park, museum and library, practically visiting every part of New York. Bulls encouraged me to take the week off since my cases were quiet, and I gladly welcomed the break.

I couldn’t shake how ill I felt. I barely slept, waking up in hot and cold sweats. The vomiting hadn’t stopped so I narrowed it down to Will’s bug. I was sent home by Bulls faster than you could say ‘vomit bug’. That was Monday. By Tuesday I was told to not even step foot in the office. I hated being home alone. It gave me too much time to think. By Wednesday I had gone insane and I didn’t feel any better. I dragged my ass to the drug store to buy whatever I could to stop this. I waited for the pharmacist who was busy talking to a lady who looked like she was about to pop out an elephant. I half smiled at her as she rubbed her belly and complained to the pharmacist about the terrible heartburn she was having. I wasn’t really listening to her but something about her, I just couldn’t look away. Despite her complaint her face glowed; her long red hair had that shine, the one they always say pregnant ladies have. Her loose dress sat comfortably over her stomach and of course her ankles were as swollen as tree trunks. She looked beautiful…and then it hit me like a ton of bricks laced with acid.

My period…

In a panic I scrolled through my phone unable to locate my calendar. My hands shook as I fumbled through the apps, finally locating it. I went back through the months; I got my period like I normally would but my shot…SHIT. Unable to calm down, I searched in panic and there it was, the reminder to get my shot over a month ago.

“Miss, can I help you?”

Staring blankly into her face, I knew I would be lying if I smiled and said everything was okay. I didn’t need help, not when I knew why I was feeling so off. Without warning I fell to the floor vomiting as I cried. A scurry of assistants came to my side with a bucket and cold towel. The voices surrounded me but my body shook, the heaving persistent. Gasping for air I struggled to breathe, another person handing me a paper bag. I took it from her, placing it on my mouth and sucking in the air. I was having a panic attack. In the midst of this breakdown I motioned for my cell. Shaking hands scrolling through the screen, my vision blurred, I found Bulls number. I dialed it and passed it onto the lady beside me. I don’t know how long I was there for, not until I heard that familiar voice that told everyone to back the fuck up.