Into the Light

“She was admitted this afternoon with breathing difficulties. Chest X-ray found she had a collapsed lung caused by the pneumonia. She was severely dehydrated so we have her on a drip and a mild sedation to help her sleep. I think your biggest concern must be the baby. We ran the tests and all is well.”

I froze. My body paralyzed with the word he said. Did I hear correctly? I rubbed my ear making sure it was clear because I thought he just said the word ‘baby’.

“Sir, are you okay?”

I grabbed the chart and found the room number, eight. I almost gravitated to her room, and I found her there lying with her head facing the other way. I fell down on my knees beside her and held onto her hand placing it against my mouth. The smell of her skin was enough for me to break down inside; I missed her like fucking crazy and now she was carrying my baby. Charlotte was carrying my baby. I closed my eyes, whispering the words even though she was sleeping.

“Why didn't you tell me about the baby?”

I remained by her side, clutching onto her hand like my life depended on it. Only the persistent sounds of the monitors beeping, the glorious sounds of life, echoed in the room. In the dark of the night, the stark white walls and linen couldn’t be seen, only the warmth that radiated off her skin, but that was all I needed. Just her and now our baby. A baby…the word replaying over and over in my head. A human being was growing inside her that was half me and half Charlotte. I had mixed emotions. I wasn’t fucking ready to be a dad, but then part of me knew I would have Charlotte for the rest of my life and we would raise our own family and grow old together. That part of me outweighed all the anxiety I felt. A baby. I couldn’t help but smile as I mouthed the words to myself. I needed her to wake up so I could tell her I was wrong for saying I was done. I loved her so much and now that she was carrying my baby, I wanted nothing more than to take her home and spend the rest of my life with her and our child.

She was very still. I knew she hadn’t heard my words but then I heard a slight whimper. My eyes searched her face for something. She turned her head further in the opposite direction. I waited and waited for her to speak.

“I didn’t tell you, Lex, because…because it’s not yours.”

Chapter 9

Charlie

Far in the distance I start to hear noises, the beeping of machines and the clicking of feet bounce off the walls around me. There is a faint whisper, maybe the sounds of voices but I’m not sure. I remain still, the heaviness weighing me down. I attempt to lift my arm but the weight is so heavy it tires me. I try again. No, it’s too heavy. What is happening? Where am I? I try to open my eyes but all I see is darkness and it tires me until I fall back asleep.

I wake up, this time feeling some light shining on my closed eyes, almost like a pink glow. I struggle to open them and slowly more comes into fuzzy focus. I see stark-white walls, everything bright. It hurts my eyes. I close them to ease the pain. The smell. It lingers in the air. Like the smell of sterilization. It’s familiar, and I know where I am but I can’t say it. I attempt to scream, my throat dry and aching, unable to make any sound and all that comes out is a tiny whisper. “What happened?”

“Charlie?”

I turned to face where the sound was coming from. Bulls and Eric stood by my side, Eric looked distraught and Bulls worried. They both reached out to touch my hand. Frantically, Eric leaned over and repeatedly tapped on the red button that hung on the wall. The doctor walked in and pulled the chart off my bed, his eyes reading the notes before he retrieved his pen out of his coat and scribbled on the piece of paper that would give me the answer to why I was here.

“How are you feeling, Miss Mason?”

“Tired, sore. What happened to me?”

“You have a collapsed lung caused by the pneumonia. We have you on the drip because you were severely dehydrated. Don’t worry, the baby is fine. We ran all the necessary tests and baby is doing very well.”

“Baby?” Eric asked in shocked. Bulls shook her head warning him to shut the fuck up.

“In the meantime, Miss Mason, we need you to get plenty of rest and if you feel uncomfortable the nurses can give you a mild sedation. I expect you will be here for another few days.” He left the room and I closed my eyes wanting nothing more than to ignore everything right now, including the questions that Eric was itching to ask.

“Okay Charlie, I won’t ask until you’re ready. Do you need anything? Food, anything from your apartment?” he asked worriedly.

I shook my head. I just wanted to be alone. Just for a moment I wanted to close my eyes and fantasize that none of this existed and I was in my happy place, my office, working hard. I asked Bulls and Eric to leave me alone, which they understood, but said they would be back later tonight. They both kissed me on the forehead before saying goodbye. I watched as they left, Eric turning around one more time to look at me, a tear trailing down his face before he turned the corner and disappeared.

The hospital ward was busy, the voices carrying up and down the corridor, the faint sound of the radio in the nurse’s station playing. I focused on the sound, I knew what it was, and I closed my eyes trying my hardest not to focus on the lyrics of this one particular song. I wanted to scream at them to turn it off; I didn’t want any reminders that he existed, no sad love song to reiterate how pathetic my life had become.

I pressed repeatedly on the red button, begging them to turn it off. After my outburst, the nurses gave me a mild sedative to help me relax. It wasn’t long before I fell asleep, my body and mind finally resting.

Sometime during the night I felt him. His warmth washed over me. I had to be dreaming. His fingers entwined with mine, that jolt of electricity awakening me but I remained still, closing my eyes. He spoke, like the voice of an angel. But I wasn’t prepared for what he said; I wasn’t prepared for him to know about this baby. And as I attempted to lay perfectly still I began the internal battle of what to do, what to say. I couldn’t do this, not again. There was no strength or will left in me, no fight. I was defeated, beaten down, a shadow of my former self. This journey was no longer one I wanted to take. I needed to destroy him, because if I did then it’d all be over. If I hurt him then he would never return, and then I could go on and do this my way.

Hurt him, Charlie. Hurt him so he will no longer love you, he will no longer come after you. Hurt him so bad that he would wish you didn’t exist. The voice inside was telling me what I needed to do.

So I told him it wasn’t his…

As the words left my mouth, I bit my lip till it bled to stop myself from screaming his name, to stop myself from reaching out for him and begging him to hold me and make all this pain go away. But it was the loss of his touch, the footsteps that disappeared into the night that forced me to come to the realization of what I had just done. The tears rolled down my face and it was déjà fucking vu again, lying in a cold hospital bed for the second time, crying for Alexander Edwards…

August 2005

I sat perfectly still; this feeling of being so insignificant overwhelmed me. Around me it was chaos, people rushing to board their planes, others brimming with happiness as they welcomed family and friends. Then there were those waiting to say goodbye, with tears and hugs, some trying to remain brave, but like most people, it only got you so far. But even amongst all that chaos, there were others that sat just like me. Headphones in place, drowning in their fate, their destination.

“Charlie, you don’t have to do this. Who cares what people think? If they got a problem then tell them to become good friends with my fist.”