Into the Light

The b

attle had been fought. I had lost and had no fight left in me.

“I deserve it, Logan. What on Earth was I thinking?”

“You weren’t thinking. You were infatuated with him. Okay so what, he’s a college major in medicine, c’mon Charlie you could have anyone you want. He’s married…”

“You don’t think I know that? Logan – I didn’t choose this…I mean it was my choice in the end but it was impossible to push aside how I felt about him and I thought he felt that way too…”

“Charlie, he’s a guy, he thinks only with his dick.”

“No…that’s not true. What about you?”

“Well, I was thinking about my dick when we had sex…yes I know, even though my dick couldn’t follow directions for shit.”

I laughed, for the first time in a month, and it intensified to the point that people with their headphones turned around to look at me, but I couldn’t stop. It was the relief I needed and Logan just sat there looking at me, slightly amused and slightly offended by my ability to laugh so much at his pathetic dick.

“Gee, Charlie…I know it wasn’t great but OUCH,” he complained.

“I’m sorry…” I laughed harder. “I was remembering when you were looking for the hole…”

“Oh c’mon, Charlie, it happens to the best of us…”

“…and you were like, are you sure this is your vagina!” I roared.

His grin widened and uncontrollably his shoulders moved, his laugh barreling out as he remembered the moment. “Well, I didn’t think our first time should be doing it back door…Jesus, Charlie, I was hopeless. If it’s any consolation, I have gotten better, much better,” he said with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

Catching my breath, the laughter slowed down and I smiled at Logan. He was a massive part of my life that would no longer be a five-minute walk down the road and so the tears fell, and without fail he pulled me into him as I clutched his chest.

“Hey, listen to me… I know where the hole is now… Jen can attest to that.”

“Logan…” I scolded softly.

“I know, Charlie, we’re not gonna have these moments but you’re only a five-hour plane ride away. We can still call each other every day and you are gonna kick ass in college and make me proud. I know you can do this. You need to move on, I know you loved him but you need to face the facts that he chose his life and it was without you. You’re eighteen, Charlie, plenty more guys out there and now it’s your turn to break their hearts.”

“I can do this,” I chanted to myself. “You’re right, I’m eighteen. It was just my first love and I have so much to experience in college. I’ll forget about him…won’t I?” I asked, hoping for reassurance.

“Maybe…maybe not. But I’m certain that even though you may not forget about him, there will be someone else that’ll knock your socks off and know where your hole is.” He laughed.

“I love you, Logan, I couldn’t have asked for a better best friend.” I smiled.

“I love you, too, Charlie, always will.” He hugged me tight until the announcement came on for final boarding call. As I said my goodbye, I realized that it wouldn’t be forever; Logan would always be a part of my life as much as Alex was. With my headspace slightly clearer, it occurred to me that Alex really was my first love. The kind you read about in romance novels. Everything I felt was textbook, the grieving for the loss of what we had, and while I wouldn’t have wished for an ending like this, I was able to, for a moment, believe that I could put this behind me. All I had were memories, he was gone in the flesh – where to, I had no idea – and so I boarded the plane with a glimmer of hope that across the other side of the country I would find Charlie Mason again because I missed her. I missed the girl I used to be.

Chapter 10

Lex

I dropped her hand. With my head bowed, the words she whispered shattered every part of my existence. Was this another chapter in the nightmare that existed in my head? No, this was real and I was fucking living it. Barely able to stand, I walked out of the room with no sense of direction. I didn’t know where I was going. I had no idea how to get out of this hospital, how to get out of this nightmare and how to pretend she never existed. I had nothing to look forward to. I had nothing. The realization that the control of my life was taken away was the biggest burden I now carried. Outside in the cool night, the rain started to pour as I stood there unable to move, unable to decide the simplest thing: where did I go now? Maybe it was hours later, maybe it was minutes, but somehow I found the strength to lift my arm enough to hail a cab. The yellow cab with its bright lights pulled up and I climbed in.

“Where to, buddy?”

The question was simple, but I stared blankly at him. He asked again, this time with a lot less patience.

“JFK.”

The huge blackboard with all the flights listed was spread out before me. I stood there reading every line, memorizing the destinations, flight numbers and times. I don’t know how long it had been after I arrived that a large gentleman in a security uniform walked towards me.

“Sir¸ is there a reason why you’ve been standing here for over an hour?”